Could my Stepdad be exagerating my mothers situtaion

[canary]

Apolgies that I cannot thank or 'like; all those that have commented which has been very very helpful but I cant see how to

No, we dont have likes on here, but Im glad that the replies have been helpful.

I agree with @karaokePete , it wont do any harm to step back a bit. If your step-dad is in denial he will probably want more and more support, so not responding all the time might be a bit of a wake up call to him.

BTW, your mum might not be fazed come the morning because she probably doesnt remember what happened during the night. I didnt previously mention that when mum got me up all through the night because she could hear "noises in the kitchen" (that wernt there) and was obviously upset and worried about it - the next morning I got up, bleary eyed, and when mum came down she told me cheerfully that she had slept really well.............

 

[karaokePete]

The point @canary makes about the lack of memory is a good one, and one that I use to my advantage all the time.

Many people feel guilty if they upset their loved one, or some event happens to distress them. I don't stress these things because I know they won't be remembered.

 

[Mudlark]

It is enormously helpful to read others experiences and is helping me to understand what is inherently almost impossible to understand given the contradictory and chaotic nature of this illness. This 'hostessing ' or hosting mode is something I had not previosuly come across and is very strange - my mother ( and she looked so sad when she said this) told me that she was trying so hard the other day when talking to me - she said ' Sometimes I just need a little word, a little something and then I can remember but people dont give me enough time...' it's these moments of lucidity and insight which make me think, are we doing enough can we do more to help - After the police incident which now seems to have been brushed aside as 'nothing' I am wary of presuming anything and as others of you have recommedned will step back, even if only emotionally, as the toll of becoming so involved - yet also distant from the daily chaos of it is very draining - can only imagine how drained by stepdad is....

 

[karaokePete]

Hello again @Mudlark.

Your Mum's comment about needing a little extra time to find words etc is a good point. As my wife's dementia has progressed she has visibly slowed in both body and mind. When someone, like your stepdad, takes on a 24/7 caring role they have a lot to do and may become inpatient with their loved one and not have that little bit of time to give. I think that this is one of the reasons why it's important to accept outside help as allowing that little bit of time may improve life for everyone.

It's so easy to get caught up in the frantic pace of dealing with dementia that we lose the ability to stand back and look to see tiny things that may improve matters.

Maybe it's another reason to give your loved ones in relation to seeking help.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It seems the police incident has opened your eyes to how your mum really is. I imagine your step dad brushes it off simply because these things must have been happening for a long time but increasing gradually in severity. He's already got used to your mum's behaviour and this is probably not the worst thing he's had to deal with.

The poor man must be really struggling - can you get him some help? If they won't accept carers as such, maybe a cleaner or someone who could just come and sit with your mum to give your step dad a break. Talking of which, the easiest way to see for yourself exactly how things are would be to swap places with your step-dad for a week (covid permitting.)

 

[DreamsAreReal]

I don’t know if it’s already been mentioned and I didn’t see it, but a UTI can cause a drastic change in behaviour. I know your mum doesn’t want to see a gp but you can buy urine testing strips quite cheaply on ebay and elsewhere (you’d have to do the dipping for her). My mum had a uti before xmas and I honestly thought she was going to need a care home. She was having hallucinations, trying to escape and all sorts. Took 2 lots of antibiotics to fix. Apologies if it’s already been said.

Also, the slow thinking. It took me ages to realise my mum needed a lot of thinking time to process what was being said (or seen, re the tv - barely watchable for her now).

 

[Mudlark]

My Step Dad IS really struggling - I have LPA for my mum jointly with him and so have spoken to her GP about getting soemone up to do an assessment - (that's if she allows them in) - I have found a care provder who can do cleaning 'sitting' and he can afford it - but has not taken the offer of help - I think he is scared of 'letting go' some of the responsibility to outside 'people' as I think he is running on adrenalin and he thinks he will collapse if he relaxes for a moment. I see my mother for an hour or two twice a week so he can have a break but it is very little. My mother is very very resistant to other people ( always has been) 'helping' which adds to the problem. I would go up for a week and help out, but I have two children with their own 'needs' and even as it is I feel I am not giving them enough time!! My Mum and Stepdad have just accepetd an offer on their very unsuitable house and so I am in the process of finding them a bungalow nearer to me - my mum seems to be looking forward to moving as does stepdad as they are very isolated where they are - but honestly I am not sure npw they/ we are going to cope with the move. They have to move as the very steep steps up to the property and inside are a major hazard - I know this is rather a ramble but I feel my stepdad and to some extent me too are overwhelmed. The UTI tets I did nto know about but can order one. Thanks p.s. 'frantic pace of deaking with dementia ' is so apt - it does feel 'frantic' and I know we my stepdad and I , but mostly him really do need to 'stop' and take stock.

 

[Emerion]

Apolgies that I cannot thank or 'like; all those that have commented which has been very very helpful but I cant see how to - but thank you I have read eveything and it is so very ......I struggle for the word but maybe ..encouraging and fortifying spring to mind!

Last night, at 3am my mother phoned the police who came round - she believed that her husband was dangerous and asked them to take her away - they didnt and logged it as a domestic - she phoned me at 4 am I didn't hear the phone as I was asleep bu later woke to hear her distressed but lucid message plus a text message from my Step Dad to say what had happened -
so all this has happened probably the most dramatic thing so far and yet both of them sort of shrugged it off this morning - I am left shell shocked by it all but feel that I need to step back turn off my phone and let it play out until my stepdad actually fully takes on board what is happening - I am exhausted from supporting my stepdad and my mum - and sad that my children are seeing me so stressed! I do beleive him, I do see it for what it is...and I do see how much worse it will get....I struggle though with the fact my step dad appears not to...

Hi, your mum sounds so much like my dad. I expect this is your stepdad’s way of coping. Don’t worry too much about that, as long as he is coping. But I agree with everyone, you need a break. Don’t beat yourself up about this. I know it’s really hard not to, but everyone on this forum will understand and say the same thing. If you push yourself too far, you will be no use to your mum, stepdad, kids, or yourself. It is so easy to get into a downward spiral without realising how bad it’s got. Rest, and come back better able to handle it. All the best ?

 

[canary]

I can understand how your step-dad feels @Mudlark . I did not want carers coming in and OH was not keen on having them as he didnt think he needed any help. Then, just over a year ago I reached carer breakdown. Our children contacted SS, OH went into emergency respite in a care home and carers were organised for OH for when he came home - I had no choice and it was presented to OH as done deal.

A year on, we have both got used to having carers in. I have found it an absolute godsend and OH rather likes them and talks to them while they are here. People with dementia very seldom agree to things because they are unable to see anybody elses needs and can only see what they want, so you just have to go ahead and do it.

 

[Mudlark]

Our children contacted SS, OH went into emergency respite in a care home and carers were organised for OH for when he came home - I had no choice and it was presented to OH as done deal.

@canary that is so interesting - I am concerned aout being seen as interfering or controlling by my stepdad and just being seen as a 'betrayer' ny my mum - I am hovering almost daily, on the verge of calling social services, but each time I speak to either of them and it seems 'ok' ish again I do not - they are both intelligent people and would ordinarily have no one being this involved in their personal life!
I only hope if I ever do it - they will be as thankful as you now are. - My mother is/has always been emotionally volatile so I can hardly dare to think how she would react to me 'going behinf their backs' as she would see it..... but thank you for that feedback it helps!

 

[k.woodley]

Your Stepdad is not exaggerating - in fact he is more likely to be playing it 'down' because he loves your mother!
Kath

 

[northumbrian_k]

Not long after our first visit to the memory clinic we were offered the chance of a visit to assess daily living skills. My wife bristled at that and I agreed with her that we did not need it. Hindsight tells me that it would have been better to identify what was needed and what support might have been available. Sometimes it is necessary to 'interfere'. It is not a betrayal. Your stepdad might value suggestions from you on how to make things better, including encouraging him to reach out to social services. Or you could agree to do it on his behalf.

 

[Browny10]

My wife has alzheimers and has been disgnosed 3 years ago. But our daughter in law's mother was becoming disorientated and loosing her memory and started halucinating that there were people in her house switching things on and off. This became worse after her husband died with dementia so we all thougt that was the problem. So the daughter in law moved her mother into their house and they established that the main problems stemmed from her not eating properly, storing food incorrectly and not drinking enough liquid. After 6 months she has been diagnose with early onset dementia but is back in her own home eating and drinking properly.

 

[Clarice cliff]

No,your step dad is telling the truth.
Being with someone with dementia 24/7 is exhausting,frustrating and at times just'sucks the life out of you'.
It's easy for family to visit for an hour or so and get a relatively normal response so that they don't see the true situation. Sometimes they don't want to. Often they don't ask the carer how they feel or how things are as this might mean they would have to give more time or help.
I've also read the posts about how compassionate caring and whilst I fully agree with the advice,I wish I could follow it all the time.
However I'm human. I get tired especially if my husband has been wandering until 3am in the morning so sometimes I'm guilty of being bad tampered and
I say the wrong things and I wish I had a life of my own and freedom to do what I want. But carers don't.
I'm lucky that my husband's son will give me time out every now and again and has experienced what your step dad is experiencing.
My mother had dementia but lived alone. It's only when you live with someone 24/7 that you truly understand how all consuming this illness is.