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could more be done for mum?

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by annii1, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Dad is now taking mum out from carehome twice weekly, they go out ,have lunch and a nice time. I visit too and my brother when he visits local. Mum seems more settled, on antipsychotics, lonely in carehome, not violent now, but very confused, memory so poor. I want mum to have quality of life and so pleased she can enjoy visits a bit more. I find it so hard to accept she can't come home though. I know dad couldn't cope full time with the one to one. I could do shopping and pop in daily, but I have a young child, husband, work and I'm not very good with the unpredictable nature of dementia and mum, gets me very low and I'm.probably not a very positive person round my mum as I can't believe this has happened to her.
    I think I am asking, seeking support to tell me that all is being done for mum? It goes round and round my head that I'm not doing enough for her!
     
  2. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    257
    Norfolk
    I know exactly how you feel. I want to bring my mum home with me every time I visit. She went into care in January but it all happened so quickly. I desperately want to bring her out, for coffee, lunch sit in the garden but she doesn't want to come out. I really thought I could at least give her a break from the environment she is living in. It's so hard especially as she spent most of her time wandering up and down the road and in and out of my house but I suppose this is the nature of the disease, I'm just struggling to understand it. So what I am saying is that you are lucky that you are able to bring her out and for her to have a nice time and you cant really do any more than that.
     
  3. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Thank you for your reply. I know I should be, and I am pleased mum seems to be a bit more settled. I suppose I can justify mum being in carehome more to myself when she is unsettled etc and think to myself she could be at home if she is this calm, more manageable, but I know it's not as easy as that, and matron, dad , family just look at me in shock if I ever suggest mum coming home.
     
  4. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,976
    Suffolk
    The consultant whom my OH saw a couple of weeks ago reminded me that every time OH goes into another room, it's all new and strange to him. Even rooms he's been in hundreds of times. Then imagine what it must be like.
    I will admit it gave me a shock! Even though he's late stages, I imagined he would recognise his own home. I don't know why, I just did. It's made me do a complete rethink.
    I can, therefore, understand why it's not good for some people to come out of care home. It's why some people prefer to stay in bed, it's only one room, they are safe there. It's why some follow their carer around, they are safe with them.
    If someone is happy to go out for coffee and cake, lucky them! OH was a great one for going out, but that has changed over the last two months.
    It constrains us, the Carers, even more. Just one more aspect of this d.....d disease!
     
  5. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Thank you, Yes, that is such a good point, I must try to remember that. Mum forgets what she has just asked, where she has just been and with who seconds later. And yes this disease takes many twisted turns.
     
  6. Patricia Alice

    Patricia Alice Registered User

    Mar 2, 2015
    179
    My sister and I feel exactly like you do.

    We feel guilty constantly about leaving her in the care home (which is very nice, modern and clean), but it is really the best place when coping is no longer possible.

    We have just visited today and she was very down and crying, but then a few mins later she stopped and was just talking gobbledegook again. We are taking her out for lunch this week if the weather is good, and doing this makes us feel better too.

    I think we will always feel guilty, but we know we have done the right thing.

    Stay positive
     
  7. Bobtop

    Bobtop Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    11
    Hi,

    It's the same for me - mum has only been in a care home for 3 weeks, but I am finding it hard to cope with visiting. She is always distressed and upset when I leave and at the last visit got very angry and verbally aggressive with me. It was very upsetting for me, but apparently just minutes later mum was Ok (having forgotten all about the incident!).

    I thought that in the future I would be able to take her out for coffee/lunch etc. and visiting local parks and places, but I am not sure this will help her at the moment. She is in an unfamiliar environment and with people she does not know (or remember).

    I frequently think "have I done the right thing?" and "could I do more?" but know that there was no other option and somehow the families of loved ones just have to adjust, learn to cope and trust the professional carers.....
     
  8. annii1

    annii1 Registered User

    Jul 5, 2012
    194
    west sussex
    Same for me, mum upset some visits but she forgets so quickly that we are reassured she is distracted and ok afterwards. What an awful disease this is!
     

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