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Could anyone tell me why I feel so bad

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Dee, Aug 5, 2005.

  1. Dee

    Dee Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    41
    Shropshire
    Hello everyone,I have only posted on this site once in the past but have found a lot of comfort from reading many of the posts. However, this week has been the worst of my life and I thought maybe those of you that have gone through this could help.

    My mum was diagnosed in November but has probably had AD for about 2 years. About 10 days ago, she rapidly deteriorated to the extent that she started to fall. Her partner (aged 82) was struggling to cope and things were rapidly getting out of control. I live 100 miles away and so after a lot of thought found a nursing home near to me for her. There are many reasons I wont bore you with as to the location.

    I went down and spent 2 days with them which were the most distressing days as she was so disorientated even in her own house, and I brought her back up here yesterday. I feel so guilty even though I know that it was the only feasible option as she was obviously unsafe at home. I cant stop crying and for a control freak like me that is very unsettling! She was a bit confused yesterday but today seems quiet, calm and although confused says she can see that she is in the best place.

    Is my emotional reaction common? Did any of you feel like this? The care home is fine - not my first choice but the best one of the ones that could take her at 48 hours notice. I might move her once the one I like has a bed but I will see if she settles. I have been a nurse for 26 years and seen so many other people who are like her but nothing has prepared me for seeing her in a care home. She just looks so sad and pathetic. I am sure she wont last long and if that is the case I am sure it will be my fault for moving her there but it was either that or let them struggle on until she really hurt herself falling over.

    Any suggestions as to how I deal with this gratefully received.

    Many thanks

    Dee
     
  2. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Dear Dee

    I am sure we will all understand how you feel right now.

    For me mum going into a home initially when dad suddenly became ill was a kind of blessing as we had 2 weeks until dads death to concentrate on him knowing mum ws looked after and safe.

    8 months on we had to move her again as she was wandering and not safe, that was when it really hit me.

    As you say seeing your mum vulnerable and lost is a hard thing to see, more so when we never know just how much they are aware of what is happening,let alone the reasons behind the changes.

    It takes time to get over that hurdle and get onto the next plateau, but you will get there.

    Just take your time and allow yourself the time to adjust to each new step on a long, challenging road.

    Talk to as many people as possible and try not to feel too guilty, you love your mum and are only taking these steps to get the best life for her you can.

    Thinking of you

    Kathy
     
  3. Shakey1961a

    Shakey1961a Registered User

    Nov 7, 2004
    111
    Southport
    Hello. Well I have to say all this emotional turmoil is quite natural. However, stop beating yourself up for it. I'm sure your mother will last a lot longer in a home close to you than if you didn't do anything and left her 100 miles away. Can you imagine if she'd fallen and hit her head or broken something. She's being well looked after. I'd say she'll live much longer now.

    It's always a hard decision to put a parent in a home, I never wanted to do it, but like you it was forced upon us. Broke my dad's heart it did, he slept every night with mum's cardigan on his chest. Unfortunately he died 6 months after mum went in which is 2 years ago now.

    It's just a shock... but try looking on the positive side. If you'd done nothing she may have hurt herself badly, now she's in a safe place.

    Have a good cry and wet the carpet. Get it out of yourself then you'll be better able to cope.

    Kindest regards

    Steve
     
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Steve, thanks for posting. Know what you have been through, love Connie
     
  5. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Dee, yor reactions are natural, we all have felt that guilt. Trouble is, if you are a natural control freak, chances are ,you and everyone else thinks you can cope. Heres a secret, shhh, I am one too, but I dont cope, I cry my heart out, then, I get on with it again. I think many on here will say the same. In the circumstances, you did the best you possibly could. You have many years experience of work in the field. Trouble is, it doesnt prepare you, when it comes to doing it for your own family, the emotional bit is naturally so very much stronger. I know you must have felt involved with your patients/clients in the past, but it will be different now it's your Mum. I did the same sort of job, thats how I know. Please try to let yourself relax a bit, as things were, what else could you do? You know she was needing this 24/7 care, your experience shouted it at you. This illness is not your fault, the way you have to handle things is not your fault either. Hope you soon can feel easier about it all, love She. XX
     
  6. Dee

    Dee Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    41
    Shropshire
    Thank you all so much for your replies - Sheila you have really hit the nail on the head and I know you are right. It is so different when it is your own family. Take care

    Dee
     
  7. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dee, thinking of you, lovanhugs, She. XX
     

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