Dear Lisa
Hello, you are among friends here and there's a lot to be said for the benefits of a trouble shared. So this is where you come when you are overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, grief and deep sadness - we won't, sadly, be able to cure it, but together we just might help to lessen the load a little.
Stop blaming yourself for things that were out of your control, you didn't have a crystal ball and I bet it was quite some time before diagnosis. Would it be any comfort if I told you that none of us know what is happening to any of our loved ones when the worst signs of AD start to manifest themselves in earnest. We have all got angry at some times because at first we just think our family members are setting out to be deliberately obtuse - it's out of character so we are bound not to be comfortable with it. As for friends, you might just find that as time has progressed they have seen the problem for themselves, and anyway you cannot be responsible for their feelings in this case. Mental illness, and that is what we are dealing with here, is never comfortable to be around, although, yes, sometimes people could be a little kinder.
I have a lovely Mum, still, although with AD, and I remember the times of trying to reason with her (not realising I was trying to reason with the unreasonable) and feel guilty about so many things I might have handled better. But I didn't know, any more than you did and Mum's AD appeared a lot later in her life when you would have thought I would have known better. The one great (perverse) consolation of AD is that you can bet your sweet bippy your Mum won't remember those times but she will be familiar with your love, the love you so obviously have for her and your Dad. So could it be the right time to take that big stick you keep beating yourself with and break it in two and out with the rubbish? You deserve a little kindess to yourself.
Although you can't be there as much as you may want to be, you sound to me as though you are keeping contact and if Dad has your support, even though from afar, it will be a great consolation to him. Does he have a support network where he is? If he does he will be guided to finding an outlet from the stresses and sadnesses he must be feeling. Remember, you cannot forecast the future any more than you can alter the past but today you can do the best you can. Perhaps you have started here.
So, dry your eyes, Lisaw..........should I pass the Kleenex? I'm crying as I type this - see, you never really stop, a little memory here or there, break out in fresh places but don't bottle it up, you'll explode. Allow yourself the tears, be brave but don't be too hard on yourself when you are not - if you didn't feel so, you wouldn't love, and after all that is the all important ingredient.
Lots of love and kind wishes
Chesca