My parents were both in different respite care homes four hours drive away from me for ages, until my Power of Attorney documents came through for both of them and I was told there was no way my father would be allowed back home to live alone again.
It was an awful time, I really sympathise. All those hours alone in the car, the Peterborough Services became my second home, and their coffee shop saved me on many occasion. I used to often drive through a blur of tears in driving rain and marvel at how I never had a crash. Before their dementia, long car journeys always had something nice at the end, but that all changed and I used to dread those visits, feel bad for leaving my other half alone yet again, and having to say no to social invites because I had to see my parents. All of which makes you feel guilty, because after all, it's your parents isn't it...
So if you possibly can, move your mum to a home near you. My mum is now only 15 minutes drive from me (as was my dad, he died recently), I now see her little and often, and it's SO much better. I can pop in on my way home from work even. If she's in a good mood I stay much longer! We also bring her home for afternoons every once in a while, and I can finally say she is part of our family again at long last. She has no short term memory so never remembers when I last visited, but seeing me always puts a smile on her face, long may that last.
I found that having little tasks to do during visits really makes things easier. My dad hallucinated constantly and would ramble on for hours telling me the details of his latest imagined escapades, which got quite boring. My mum asks me the same questions over and over again, also boring. And the last thing I want to do is make them feel that I'm bored! Here are some things I do:
* Take in some memorabilia from their past and chat about it, photos, jewelry, clothes, anything really that you know had significance.
* I load photos on to my iPad and have a little slide show to chat about where I've been and what the kids are up to.
* put on different music on their radio or TV, it's amazing how music can trigger conversation.
* i often take name tapes in with me and sew them on their underwear or something if the black pen has worn off, so we can fill any silent gaps without feeling awkward.
* I quite often take them in a little present, just cheap things that they don't normally have, like a magazine on some weird topic, a hairslide for my mum, or some different fruit or toffee they haven't tried before. Anything to spark up a new conversation.
None of this stops me feeling heartbroken and down when I leave. I guess it is just a rite of passage we all have to go through, but it's good to know others feel the same way isn't it x