1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Newmum1

    Newmum1 Registered User

    Jan 26, 2015
    Complete newcomer to the site and I'm just looking really to try & gain some comfort in our situation whilst I come to terms with it.
    Over the past 18 months since my mum was retired off early from work (she's now 68) my brother, sister & I saw a change in mums behaviour and it was officially diagnosed in November that she has vascular dementia.
    The advice provided was to leave her to be as Independant as she always has been (lives alone as now divorced) and to encourage her to still go shopping etc I.e live a normal life. It now seems very quickly that she is not able to do this - she stares into the distance in shops, she has no awareness of money/debit card use and doesn't know really what to do in a supermarket - something she was doing everyday.

    She has stopped getting changed for bed & has stopped getting baths and she's generally lost the ability to dress herself properly - (clothes back to front and not done up correctly).
    Also she seems to be obsessed by certain things - she's obsessed by going to the bank everyday (paying in coppers at a time) and the phone calls that we're all getting are relentless (through the night to random people such as the hairdresser and dials gang family members). She has lost the ability to tell the time completely and has no concept really of day or night.
    I am struggling with the emotional side of things - one minute I'm logical and think to myself remember this isn't mum now but then I get angry which then leads to sadness as the change has been so rapid.
    I feel guilty everytime I leave her as she's alone and it really upsets me. Last night for example she called at 7pm to say all her lights had tripped & could I go round - to go round and find a neighbour had reset the electrics for her. I was mad as it meant I had left my son when he needed feeding to go round immediately but then I was so sad leaving her on her own and looking frail and vulnerable.

    What is making it worse for me is I have (4 weeks ago) given birth to my first son which in itself is really emotional but add into the mix the emotion of my mum situation it's making me super emotional and crying quite a lot which is marring the start of my new family.
    We have carers starting today (thankfully) who are going in morning & night to help get mum dressed & fed and help take medication but I can't help feeling guilty still & am really struggling to feel positive.
    Sorry for the long post and I'm not sure what advice or support I can ask for but I guess I just wanted somewhere to vent and get it out. Just feels like everyday is consumed by this issue and it's starting to really affect me. (I should also point out that my brother & sister don't live in the same town as me or my mother leaving more of the responsibility to me).
  2. pony-mad

    pony-mad Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    Dear New-mum,
    I really feel for you. Having just had a baby, you really need your Mum to care for you !!!!
    Shout from the roof-tops; do whatever you have to do to get help. Come on here and get some mothering from all the wonderful warm, helpful people you will find on TP.
    Take care of yourself and your little baby.
    Love G x

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Newmum

    I`m sorry you`ve had to look for help and advice since your mother was diagnosed. It`s a big responsibility for you and obviously a weight on your shoulders.

    Perhaps some of the suggestions in the Alzheimer`s Society`s Factsheets will point you in the right direction. You will find them here.

    It might be best if you start with After a diagnosis

    Once you have some idea of the help available and the help you need , please contact Social Services for an assessment for yourself as a carer. You will then be able to discuss how much responsibility you will be able to take for your mother`s care and what support you need for yourself. If you don`t ask you are unlikely to get so starts at the beginning and see what can be done to help you.

    You will get a lot of support here on Talking Point especially from people in a similar position to you. Keep in contact. There will always be someone here.
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hi newmum and congratulations on the birth of your son :D
    My mum has gone very rapidly too - its a steep learning curve and for you its come at a time when you need all the help you can get with your little one.
    I would ignore the advice about allowing your mum to be independant and do normal things as i suspect that she has gone past this stage. My mum no longer understands money (fortunately she doesnt understand phones now either, so I dont get the endless calls!) and is unable to make many decisions. My main priority now is to keep her safe and make sure she eats and keeps well. This actually means that she is now in a care home. So often now I cannot do what she wants, but instead do what is in her best interest.

    Im glad that she has got carers coming in now, but make sure you dont try and do too much - you have to look after your baby. If what your mum has isnt working you will need to push for more support.

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