Coping with mum

[alison1981]

My mum is getting worse and worse. She lashes out at my dad every single day and she says horrible and nasty things about him. She will say he's not LIVING HERE WITH US!!, It's not HIS HOUSE!!, I'll go then you'll be happy. I started a job 2 months ago and I find myself calling my dad at lunchtime as I worry about him. I seriously think my dad is in danger.

It's not just him she lashes out at, me as well. Yesterday I had a banging headache and she came in and smacked me on the top of my head! When I am not at work I am sad but glad I am here for my poor dad. We are all in tears every day.

I read your posts and I think you all deserve medals I really do. I know it's her illness talking but she can be really horrible.

We have 2 nurses that come weekly and they are good but I feel like they don't listen to my dad, he's a very quiet man and when they come he says he can't say anything as mum is wonderful around them.

Medication is another thing that we all are at odds about. She now has a NOMAD system and she keeps saying we are trying to kill her and she can take her own medication but she then says Have I already had it?

 

[susy]

You do have my heartfelt sympathy. This must be so difficult to live with. May I suggest that you have carers come in regularly to help. They can make sure she takes her medication, they can help with personal hygiene if needed too. Get your social worker to get this sorted out. Your dad needs the help. It's too much for him to deal with bless him. As for the nurses not listening to your dad, do they listen to you?
Whatever you do decide to do, I wish you the very best xxxx

 

[alison1981]

Thank you Susy. I don't know how we would get carers in as she is still quite independent, she goes out on her own so I don't know if she would qualify for carers. My poor dad every day I worry about him so he does need the help. I am not shy like my dad so yes they would probably listen to me but I now work full time so it would be difficult for me to get to speak to them.

 

[susy]

When you have a holiday set up a care plan meeting with the nurses that may help. Let the nurses see things from your dad's point of view. That may well help. As for getting carers in, have a work with her social worker over the phone and see if there is anything that can be done. It is difficult and sometimes, with all due respect, we think that the "patient" will reject things that actually they are quite amenable too. Let's be fair, she might hate it ok so stop it then. But if she is ok with it then continue. Most of these things are suck it and see.

 

[sistermillicent]

If you think your dad is in danger please set up a room in the house where he can go to be safe if he needs to be. Have a lock fitted to the door and a phone in there so he can call for help.
My mum was the same. Then she started on me, and eventually started to attack the carers.
I think you are at one of the most terrible points of the dementia journey, I am so sorry for you and your dad, and your mum of course. You are doing a good thing by standing by your dad while this is happening, but it is very distressing and difficult.
There was little we could do but live through the bad bits and try to enjoy whatever good bits there were, which were very few. Mum also used to be charming to the carers but was alway nasty about them when they went , but she could not keep it up and eventually they saw how things were.
Try talking to the manager of the care agency rather than to the actual nurses.