Coping with moving MIL

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by feffy123, Jun 29, 2015.

  1. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    #1 feffy123, Jun 29, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2015
    Hi everyone
    Well its finally happening MIL is moving into a home. She has attended the day centre for several months and is very happy. We can't cope anymore. She can't be left alone and is double incontinent she will not wash or let us do her washing so now we think its for the best. The question is we can't tell her. She has had a heart attack in the past and hyperventilates when upset. What have other people done? Do you just leave them with the home and not tell them then just start visiting? It makes us feel so guilty the thought of doing this. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with herself but we really can't do the caring anymore. Does anyone have advice please. We have been looking after her for 10 years and now we are having to look after our transgender child who is going through a difficult time and needs our attention.
  2. Jokirk3

    Jokirk3 Registered User

    Jun 28, 2015
    Guilt is a killer

    Hey there.... No matter what, who and how nothing and I mean nothing will eliminate the guilt. I put my mum in care 1 year ago. I fight with my self daily wondering if I have done the right thing. Of course I have!,, at first she may be a little unsettled but sometimes our fears are emphasised and surprisingly our loved ones adapt to their new environment quickly. Try not to worry, this is a journey for you all. Be strong and visit regularly and enjoy the time when you do..... Hope all goes well

    Jo x
  3. opaline

    opaline Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    You don't have any choice, you've done your very best by her and still are, your child needs you now and should, of course, come first, love to all, x
  4. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    Thanks everyone-did your relatives know they were staying? Or did you just leave them? Thanks.
  5. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    I just left my mum.

    Like your MiL, my mum thought (and thinks) there is nothing wrong with her and there is no way she would've agreed to a home.

    It took her a while to settle but that was mainly due to her daily routine of going out (and increasingly getting lost!) so the staff had to do a lot of distracting. I was also a trigger for her wanting to be off somewhere, so I didn't visit much for a while.

    Mum remembers nothing of this and is doing very well. It's hard, but you need to do what you have to do and do it in a way that causes the least distress.
  6. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    We had to get our mother to her care home by deception - we were all 'going out for lunch' and my sister told her later that she was staying. No, it wasn't a bit nice but she was very bad by then and would never in a million years have agreed to go, since according to her there was nothing wrong with her. So we really had no choice. She wasn't at all happy, and it did take her quite a while to settle. I can't pretend it was an easy time, but at the same time the relief of knowing she was safe and cared for 24/7 was colossal.
  7. dottyd

    dottyd Registered User

    Jan 22, 2011
    I could have written your post word for word Delphie.
  8. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    That's so reassuring thank you for the replies. I think that's how we see it. Just doesn't feel right but better than causing distress x
  9. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    So many of us are in the same boat, aren't we, and forced to do things that go against every instinct, but we do it. :(
  10. Hex

    Hex Registered User

    May 24, 2014
    Newcastle Upon Tyne
    My mum has moved into an extra care living apartment. It's brand new and everyone has moved in at the same time. It's been hard this last couple of months but I believe getting her into a routine is the way forward. I recently went away for two weeks holiday (something I wouldn't have done before the move) I was so pleased to hear when I got back that she had formed friendships with a few other residents. She was taking part in activities and using the attached cafe for lunches. All of this has to be prompted by her carers but it is working. There are downsides though. She calls my brother and tells him she wants to 'go home' most evenings. I think she is Sundowning and would love to read more about this. She thinks she is living on the ground floor of my house and that I have gone out and left her home alone. The calls annoy my SIL but I can't see any way to stop them unless she changes her phone number. I tell her it's all part of mums illness and nothing is going to change anytime soon. The attitude from the care staff has been amazing and I think they are getting on board with the problems dementia can throw up. I was told this is a last stop move but can't help thinking she will eventually need nursing care and will have to move again. I have thought about staying over at night but think it might make things worse for mum especially if that is when she is confused about her surroundings. I know she has wandered the floor at night but since she lives on a corridor and there is a warden on the premises she is safe. I should add she hasn't had a shower since moving in despite having extra allocated carers to assist in this and I believe she is becoming incontinent but how can you make someone shower or wear pads when they don't think anything is wrong with them?

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  11. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    Gosh Hex that is a difficult time for you! X

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