Coping with losing mum

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Maximo01, Oct 11, 2019.

  1. Maximo01

    Maximo01 New member

    Oct 11, 2019
    2
    Hi. I'm new to all of this. We lost mum yesterday who was my dad's rock. They were married for 41 years. They have taken care of each other's health issues for 20 years. My dad was diagnosed Alzheimer's 23 years ago but then 2 years ago undiagnosed due to not deteriorating in line with the condition. Does it matter what it's called though? Ultimately he has very poor short and mid term memory and as a result is easily confused, frustrated, fearful etc. My parents lived independently together with some carer support in place. After she passed yesterday my dad asked me what would happen to him now and said he didn't want to live alone. I have brought him home with me and there is lots to sort and I'm worried about how to help settle him into a routine and if he will be able to adapt. Whilst home is familiar for him, it's also now lonely. We have a busy and hectic family life with 3 dogs, 2 children under 10 and both work full time. If anybody has any good advice they can offer on how to handle this and what things could help with his confusion it would be very much appreciated.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,710
    Kent
    Hello @Maximo01

    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mum. I`ve never heard of anyone being undiagnosed with dementia before. You are doing a wonderful thing for your dad.

    It`s really early days to make life changing decisions but once you are back to your normal routine it might be difficult for your dad to be at home alone, whether it`s his house or yours.

    If there is any possibility of day care for your dad it might be the best solution eventually but for now take it as easy as you can and grieve for the loss of your mum.
     
  3. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    357
    Female
    South East
    Hi from me too @Maximo01 , please accept my condolences on the sad loss of your mum.I echo completely Grannie g ‘s advice . There is help and support here .My situation is almost identical to you except it’s my mum living with us , we took a few weeks to just try and settle a little first . Maybe harder for you having younger children . I found Admiral nurses brilliant for help and advice , sorry I don’t know the link for them. Wishing you strength for the coming days .
     
  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    3,172
    Nottinghamshire
    Hello @Maximo01

    Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mum. You must be feeling overwhelmed at the moment so take things a step at a time.

    I think @Grannie G has made a good suggestion for daycare for your dad when things settle down. It'll be company for him and a break for you and your family and you'll know he's safe while he's there.

    I'm glad you've found the forum - I found it an invaluable source of support while I was caring for my dad.
     
  5. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,077
    Yorkshire
    #5 Shedrech, Oct 11, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2019
    sad news @Maximo01
    so hard for you and your family to lose your mum, you will all feel her loss and your dad will find all the change so tough
    my condolemces to you all

    it's lovely of you to have your dad with you, though a challenge with your busy household
    can you keep the home care visits that were in place so your dad has that familiar routine, and the carers will take some of the strain from you
    maybe organise some day care and befriending so he has company some days

    I think the next couple of weeks will show you exactly the level of your dad's needs ... it may be time to consider residential care for him, where he will have company, be looked after and have family visiting regularly
    or possibly a live-in carer in his home

    Admiral Nurses … link
    https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
     
  6. Maximo01

    Maximo01 New member

    Oct 11, 2019
    2
    Thank you all. Yes all a little overwhelming right now. My preference would be for him to remain at home with the right care in place but I suppose I'll know what that is after testing the situation now. I'll be meeting his GP also to discuss. I suppose it's knowing what's out there and how to tap into it. I will look into admiral nurses thank you but could anyone advise how or where to find live in carers or just the daycare/befriending support? Much appreciated
     
  7. BryanG2001

    BryanG2001 Registered User

    Mar 2, 2014
    43
    We aren't allowed to suggest particular companies, but for 24hour live-in carers you could web search for 'carers that are super'.

    For day care look at the Alzheimer's Society main pages to find your local branch.
    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/
    Or Age UK
    https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/
    A lot of Care Homes will offer day care, I am afraid it is all about research and visiting prospective places.
    CQC reports are available online.
    https://www.cqc.org.uk/what-we-do/how-we-do-our-job/inspection-reports
     

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