coping with incontinence at a wedding

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by mickeyplum, Aug 15, 2019.

  1. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
    My OH, is 91 and has vascular dementia. I am 85 and we are due at an important family wedding a 2 hour drive from home in 6 weeks. Last week he soiled himself for the first time ever, we had only walked 100yards from home. He realised what he'd done and, surprisingly, remembered it the following day.
    Is this likely to be a one-off or can somebody tell me if this is the start of permanent incontinence? I am desperate for tips or advice from anyone who has attended a function with an incontinent dementia patient.
    I am on the point of cancelling as I would never go alone and leave him all day with a paid stranger. His anxiety levels would be through the roof.
    Are there pads he could wear which eliminate the odour should it happen in Church or at the reception?
    Where and how do your clean a person up if you are outdoors and miles from facilities?
    What do you do with the tissues and pads etc if you are away from home?
    Is there a bottle which he could use to wee en route and would it be able to be sealed afterwards?
    I really wanted to be at the wedding but is my best option to forget about it and just look forward to the photos?

    Please help
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,166
    Merseyside
    Unfortunately nobody knows if it was a one off or not.
    Re the wedding, do you think he will cope with the journey & busyness of the wedding?
     
  3. Trekker

    Trekker Registered User

    Jun 18, 2019
    157
    Female
    London
    My 87 year old father, a PWD, came to my daughter’s wedding in June and was faecally incontinent. My 61 year old brother dealt with it, bless him, but it was very stressful for him. There was no way he could clean my dad up until he got him home, and although my father was completely unaware of it all, my brother and his car took a long time to recover. My 90 year old mother, also a PWD, refused to come to the wedding and I have to admit we were relieved not to have two of them to worry about. If I was in your position I would rather stay at home and have a video and photos of the wedding, first because of how I would cope if there was an accident, and second the anxiety of worrying what might happen, but only you can decide. Good luck x
     
  4. Ohso

    Ohso Registered User

    Jan 4, 2018
    148
    I know you said you wouldnt leave him with a paid carer all day alone, what about taking a paid carer along to the wedding, they are trained to deal with this sort of thing and I am sure the venue will have a disabled toilet that can be used.

    Pee bottles are available on line, and if not sealable, take along a screw cap bottle to decant into. Dirty wipes and tissue etc can be put in 'fragrant 'nappy' sacks till disposal is easy and a spare pair of trousers should they be needed.

    If you cant see that working at the wedding, what about taking him along and having a hotel room available for him with a carer sitting with him while you visit with friends and family, you might even be able to sneal him into a few photographs to cherish xx
     
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,092
    Toronto, Canada
    If this was only the first time your husband was incontinent, I think @Ohso's suggestions make a lot of sense. One accident is simply that - one accident. It doesn't mean that he will be completely incontinent from now on.
     
  6. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    My eldest is getting married next year and I wanted to bring dad to the wedding.But,he would need 2 carers ,equipment to help him stands as well as a wheelchair,sick pills,sick bags as well as other stuff.Too much for one day.I am going to leave him home and video the wedding..I think sometimes travelling can be too much for PWD..
     
  7. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
    Many thanks to everyone for making things clearer. certainly a lot to think about in the next few weeks
     
  8. Kazbear

    Kazbear New member

    Oct 18, 2018
    2
     
  9. Kazbear

    Kazbear New member

    Oct 18, 2018
    2
    Hello
    There are pads available, have you spoken with the continence nurse?
    When you are at the wedding, take a bag with you with wipes, foam cleanser, pads etc., and use the disabled toilet which usually has a receptacle for disposal of soiled items. Will there be family members attending the wedding? Hope this helps.
     
  10. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    130
    How about getting a paid carer in to mind him for a few hours prior to the big day so that he isnt faced with a total stranger on the day? Seems such a shame for you to miss the wedding, and he does need to get used to alternative carers, suppose you were ill or had an accident? It isnt in his interests to indulge his anxiety. Maybe you could even have the carer round while you are there first time so he sees her as a friendly face?
     
  11. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
     
  12. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
    I am still waiting for the continence nurse to contact me. Yes family will be on hand too but I'm hoping not to have to call on them unless absolutely necessary. Thanks for the good practical advice . Much appreciated
     
  13. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
     
  14. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
    Thanks Roseleigh. You say exactly the same as my family about how he must be made to get used to different people in case of emergency, and not to indulge his anxiety. But honestly, it's easier said then done. I tried introducing male visitors who might sit with him or maybe take him out, but gave up after a few weeks.He didn't remember them from one day to the next and wondered why strangers were coming and sitting in the house cos as he said, 'you never know who they are, you can't trust anybody these days'. His anxiety with each visit caused anxiety with me too.
    The family take him out regularly to give me a break, but before he leaves he spends ages checking the doors and windows are locked and telling me not to open them for anybody. Even when out with the family, he's constantly worried about me.
    I was in hospital for 4 days recently and he had to do as he was told when the family was sharing his care and he just about coped. But I would feel so guilty leaving him with someone just to go off enjoying myself.
    Thanks again for troubling to reply to me. Much appreciated
     
  15. Roseleigh

    Roseleigh Registered User

    Dec 26, 2016
    130
    You shouldnt. You have a right to some joy, and anxiety will not kill him nor will it necesarilly be as bad as you think with an experienced carer who can distract him.
     
  16. LizzieM

    LizzieM Registered User

    May 6, 2019
    27
    The guilt monster is a wonderfully persistent beast...
    I apologise in advance if I’m flat-footing here however you have said that you would enjoy the wedding and it’s an important one too.
    So book a Carer - don’t call them that though, get them to pop in for a cuppa first so he meets them and make something up like they’ve come to help you plan the garden for next year so will need to be there for a day in a couple of weeks time. They can take a couple of garden books and a scribble pad on the day too.
    Up to you but I’m so sad and fed up with either missing lovely family and friends occasions or being distracted at them by wondering what on Earth I’m going to have to deal with or actually dealing with at the event itself.
    One of my closest family members had a very important birthday recently, I did not even mention it and I didn’t take my OH to the party either. It was a lovely uninterrupted fairly stress-free time and Im so glad I went.
    Lying by omission or design is not something I’d do in normal life but this is Dementia land we’re in now and I’m damned if it’s going to completely suck all the happiness out of my life too.
    Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Xx
     
  17. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,694
    Female
    London
    Would he in any way enjoy the wedding? If not, go alone. No need to feel guilty. Incontinence is horrid to deal with. I took OH to a wedding in Scotland once and it was stressful beyond belief. Had to clean him up during dinner. Not something I wanted to repeat.
     
  18. SameDifference

    SameDifference Registered User

    May 18, 2016
    2
    This isn't something I've tried myself but have heard of other people doing it: letting OH see that you're wearing pads or incontinence pants and offering him "his" to wear as if it were normal. (If you don't mind wearing them yourself, as a demonstration.)
    I've been wearing pads or incontinence pants since I started teaching in prisons. This might sound stupid but to get to the loo from the classrooms you have to unlock a series of doors, there and back, which isn't easy in a 15-minute tea-break. I never actually wet myself, excuse the bluntness, but there was an occasional very slight leak and a pad was SOOO reassuring. Then after my full hysterectomy last year I found myself discussing all sorts of embarrassing stuff with nurses and physiotherapists. You know what? They were great. They'd heard it all before and we had a huge laugh working out lavatory positions and giggling at the horrible colours of underwear.
    I'm saying all this to point out that there are skilled people who can talk about embarrassing stuff and suggest really helpful answers.
    But I also agree profoundly with LizzieM about lying to save your own sanity. You deserve a lovely day out and your family deserve happy memories of you there.
     
  19. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    327
    Will you be having a room at the wedding?If he should need to have a clean up he could have a shower there?
     
  20. mickeyplum

    mickeyplum Registered User

    Feb 22, 2018
    88
    Yes we have a room booked at the wedding hotel. I thought he could take regular breaks there during the day. I think he will enjoy the day (even though he won't remember what we're celebrating) because he loves being out and about with all the family, as long as I'm there too.
    It's 6 weeks off so I still haven't decided but all your kind advice on Tipping Point is invaluable to me in making that decision. It's so helpful to get the opinions of those with personal experience. A big thanks to all of you who have taken time out of your own busy lives to help.
     

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