Coping With Caring

[MrBump73]

I know a lot of people are in similar situations, but I think all of us get frustrated and struggle to know what to do for the best, especially as every situation is slightly different.

In my case, my mother-in-law moved in with us in 2012, she was only 67, she cared for her husband, but couldnt cope and he ended up in a home, she moved in with us. She already had bad depression, and bad nerves, but was okay generally. We could go away and leave her, took her away for weekends, and she was doing some housework and washing and loved the garden.

Wasnt until end of 2018 we noticed she was struggling more, and early 2019 had her checked and was diagnosed with early signs of Alzheimers. She seemed to be coping, but she is waiting for 2 hip replacements, and cataracts. And we moved house in October. We are not sure if its the depression, alzheimers, the pain from the hips, or the house move, but the last couple of months, she just seems to have given up. We have a lot of tears over anything (had to stop her over feeding the dogs that upset her a lot), she wont go out without her son (my hubby), she will hardly make anything in the kitchen, she has stopped liking a lot of foods that she use to eat, she often just sits there all day. And of cause we have noticed that she forgets a lot more now, what we were watching on TV, or when I'm working, or names of every day items.

We want to get her out to the dementia cafe or something, but she doesnt want to see anyone. We are starting to feel a little trapped. We are taking her on holiday this year as we know we cant leave her. We dont quality for carers, and we have no other family to help. Even leaving her for a few hours to go to my dads 80th next week is a worry. We are going to call the memory clinic to see if they can visit her, but we know that will upset her again.

Now I'm writing this, I dont see that advise we could even get. But how do you tell the difference between a bad mood from depression or Alzheimers? We were also told that hip replacements (any operation) can increase memory loss? Anyone else had that issue?

 

[canary]

Hello @MrBump73 and welcome to DTP

I se that your MIL has already been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Depression is a very common bedfellow with dementia and lots of people with dementia benefit from an antidepressant. If her mood lifts she may become amenable to dementia cafes (better not to use the D word when referring to them though) and/or day care. Contact her GP about this.

We were also told that hip replacements (any operation) can increase memory loss?

Yes it can do - it happened to my mum, but it doesnt happen to everyone and if the anaesthetist knows about the Alzheimers they can do things like giving extra oxygen to mitigate any affects. Also, though, pain can increase confusion and certainly wont help her wanting to go out. Its a balancing act.

 

[Rosettastone57]

I know a lot of people are in similar situations, but I think all of us get frustrated and struggle to know what to do for the best, especially as every situation is slightly different.

In my case, my mother-in-law moved in with us in 2012, she was only 67, she cared for her husband, but couldnt cope and he ended up in a home, she moved in with us. She already had bad depression, and bad nerves, but was okay generally. We could go away and leave her, took her away for weekends, and she was doing some housework and washing and loved the garden.

Wasnt until end of 2018 we noticed she was struggling more, and early 2019 had her checked and was diagnosed with early signs of Alzheimers. She seemed to be coping, but she is waiting for 2 hip replacements, and cataracts. And we moved house in October. We are not sure if its the depression, alzheimers, the pain from the hips, or the house move, but the last couple of months, she just seems to have given up. We have a lot of tears over anything (had to stop her over feeding the dogs that upset her a lot), she wont go out without her son (my hubby), she will hardly make anything in the kitchen, she has stopped liking a lot of foods that she use to eat, she often just sits there all day. And of cause we have noticed that she forgets a lot more now, what we were watching on TV, or when I'm working, or names of every day items.

We want to get her out to the dementia cafe or something, but she doesnt want to see anyone. We are starting to feel a little trapped. We are taking her on holiday this year as we know we cant leave her. We dont quality for carers, and we have no other family to help. Even leaving her for a few hours to go to my dads 80th next week is a worry. We are going to call the memory clinic to see if they can visit her, but we know that will upset her again.

Now I'm writing this, I dont see that advise we could even get. But how do you tell the difference between a bad mood from depression or Alzheimers? We were also told that hip replacements (any operation) can increase memory loss? Anyone else had that issue?

Hi @MrBump73 ,I'm not sure why you say your mother-in-law, or you don't qualify for carers. Have you had a needs assessment from adult social services for your mother-in-law and a carer's assessment for you?

 

[Shedrech]

hello @MrBump73
a warm welcome to DTP

you need support ... if your mother-in-law herself has income and assets she will be self-funding and you can put in place any help you want, which she herself pays for
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/your-support-services

if her income and assests are low, then ask for an assessment of her care needs by your Local Authority Adult Services who will work out a care plan and carry out a financial assessment on your mil's finances ONLY (it concerns me that you mention 'we' when you should not pay for your mil's care and she should pay her way with household expenses)
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/who-pays-care

do have a chat with her GP as meds may well help her mood

 

[jugglingmum]

re hip op, the effects on dementia are reduced if it is done using a spinal block/epidural type of anaesthetic rather than a general one.

My MIL had a knee op done a few of years ago when she was 89 and she was told it was now routine at that hospital to not do a general anaesthetic so something worth asking about

 

[Pete1]

We were also told that hip replacements (any operation) can increase memory loss? Anyone else had that issue?

Hi @MrBump73, welcome to the forum. My Dad had to have an emergency operation on his hip after a fall (caused by him forgetting to use his frame), it did cause a significant deterioration in his dementia condition. As you can see others have pointed out that there are potential mitigation's, we weren't made aware of those though, however, as I say it was a blue light emergency.

 

[MrBump73]

We do receive Attendance allowance, but when I said we dont qualify for carers, I meant carers allowance. She will not have carers in the house, she wont even take any help like a walking stick as she gets upset at thought of thinking she is old enough for aids, and we cant afford to take a drop in wages to stay at home as carers allowance will not cover the bills. We manage, but me and my partner dont get much time together, as one of us is working almost every day.

But regardless of problems, she needs the hip replacement, if it doesnt affect anything else, we are praying that will make her feel better.

 

[Rosettastone57]

We do receive Attendance allowance, but when I said we dont qualify for carers, I meant carers allowance. She will not have carers in the house, she wont even take any help like a walking stick as she gets upset at thought of thinking she is old enough for aids, and we cant afford to take a drop in wages to stay at home as carers allowance will not cover the bills. We manage, but me and my partner dont get much time together, as one of us is working almost every day.

But regardless of problems, she needs the hip replacement, if it doesnt affect anything else, we are praying that will make her feel better.

Thank you for clarifying about carer's allowance, you have already been given good advice from other posters about the hip replacement. However regarding the dementia generally, there comes a point where the person with dementia's needs outweigh what they want to happen. I think you have now reached that point. The default answer for persons with dementia is always going to be no ,whether it's carers not coming in to refusing to use aids. My mother-in-law was like this as well. If your mother-in-law is self funding and you have POA then you can just go ahead and organise things. Don't discuss it with her, just arrange it. You will find you have to start making decisions for her. My mother-in-law started with a sitting service from a private agency for a couple of hours a day. As others have said, you need support before it gets to the point where she can't be left at all