I gave up work ten months ago to care for my mum, I also gave up my freedom as my partner &I live in with my parents. We can't go out , we can't go on holiday, its like our lives are on hold. Looking after my mum has been ok up to now, we have laughed , cried and really became close.But the last month my mum has been verbally &physically abusive to me, even in the street. I find this really upsetting&I sometimes I feel angry as I have given up so much to keep her out of a care home. She seems to hate me but loves strangers&other family members. I am thinking is it best for a someone else who is not so close to her to care for her, will it benefit her more.My dad cant cope with her &relies on me for most things although he is independent. Am I mean to want my life back???
Coping with aggressive behaviour
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Of course you’re not mean. As your mum’s disease has progressed, so have her needs, and consequently yours too. Have you had a carer’s assessment? It’s probably time you had support in caring for your mum and possibly some respite care for yourself (and dad) too. Then you can take time out to recharge your batteries, have some ‘you’ time and probably be able to maintain a better relationship with you mum for longer.
And have you thought about mum going to a day centre a few times a week? You could ‘sell’ her the idea as a ladies who lunch club.
And have you thought about mum going to a day centre a few times a week? You could ‘sell’ her the idea as a ladies who lunch club.
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Aggression- unfortunately can be part of dementia. It certainly is with my MIL. I walk away. Ignore her when she starts. Its a bit hard when you are out though. One time she was sitting in the back of the car and out of the blue she started being so nasty and aggressive. Hubby and I ignored her until she started to talk nicely. It worked but I was in bits in the front and it took all my energy not to let her see me cry
It often seems to be the one who does most of the caring who gets the abuse unfortunately.
I know what you mean about your life. I gave up my job it look after MIL. Now no hubby and me time. No holidays etc. Its very hard but we try to do things with her as a family as keep reminding my hubby. And try to treasure what good moments we have
Not easy at all not easy. I hope things work out for you all x
It often seems to be the one who does most of the caring who gets the abuse unfortunately.
I know what you mean about your life. I gave up my job it look after MIL. Now no hubby and me time. No holidays etc. Its very hard but we try to do things with her as a family as keep reminding my hubby. And try to treasure what good moments we have
Not easy at all not easy. I hope things work out for you all x
Thank you for your advice,sometimes I feel horrible thinking I want my life back. I look at her sometimes&my heart breaks for her, for the person she was. Its such a horrible disease&affects families&partners. I also cried after the verbal abuse & the look of hate in her eyes. She was going to a day centre but refused to go & all she wants to do is sit in the chair & knit a jumper that she will never finish as she pulls it all apart day after day.
Thank god for websites like this were you can get things off your chest&gain some good advice and maybe some laughs(my mum does air guitar to ELvis lol).
My poor dad doesn't know what to do, but I guess we'll take everyday as it comes.
One day when they are not around, we will wish for their company,all we can do is love them&keep them safe.
Thanks again for replying&god bless
Thank god for websites like this were you can get things off your chest&gain some good advice and maybe some laughs(my mum does air guitar to ELvis lol).
My poor dad doesn't know what to do, but I guess we'll take everyday as it comes.
One day when they are not around, we will wish for their company,all we can do is love them&keep them safe.
Thanks again for replying&god bless
Been there
Hi
I didn't finish the quotation out of courtesy. I truly sympathise with your predicament. I took early retirement as an emergency measure to look after mum who was on her own (widowed 10 years ago). Mum was wandering and unsafe to be left alone. Over the past 18 months I have managed to get her off antipsychotics and improve her behaviour the point where if you make allowances for her impaired cognitive ability, mum is almost living a normal life. I however, have to make the same sacrifices that you mention.
I agree with "1954" that the best strategy for dealing with aggressive outbursts is to leave the person alone for a while. We had frequent episodes of this kind to begin with but after a while this became less frequent and easier to cope with. I would approach mum in a friendly way, reminding mum that it was me and offering comfort and a coffee (her favourite drink, mum hasn't noticed that I switched to decaf). We then made friends again. It took much practice on my part not to retaliate but a good outcome is better and swifter if you can avoid returning the anger. I also have to deal with the delight with which mum greets other members of the family who do not spend much time with her but as time has gone by there have been times when mum shows her appreciation for what I do (I confess I usually have find somewhere to go and cry on such occasions).
You may not agree but I think you have one great advantage over me namely, the other people in your household. I look after mum single-handedly and only speak to my partner by telephone (every night). My partner cannot be with me as we have a house of our own to look after and mum currently will not tolerate his presence. We are 150 miles apart and so can't arrange quick visits.
I even had the same reaction to a day centre. Mum initially went reluctantly on the advice of her doctor but after a few months decided it was not for her and refused to go. Mum will not go anywhere with out my company or that of my brother, who rarely spends more than an hour at a time with her.
I am not saying these things as a way of trying to trump your difficulties but honestly in an attempt to show you that you are not alone. I cannot say or even imagine the future for either of us but my thoughts are with you.
I hope you will take this in the spirit is intended and perhaps draw some consolation from what I have written.
Dave
Hi
I didn't finish the quotation out of courtesy. I truly sympathise with your predicament. I took early retirement as an emergency measure to look after mum who was on her own (widowed 10 years ago). Mum was wandering and unsafe to be left alone. Over the past 18 months I have managed to get her off antipsychotics and improve her behaviour the point where if you make allowances for her impaired cognitive ability, mum is almost living a normal life. I however, have to make the same sacrifices that you mention.
I agree with "1954" that the best strategy for dealing with aggressive outbursts is to leave the person alone for a while. We had frequent episodes of this kind to begin with but after a while this became less frequent and easier to cope with. I would approach mum in a friendly way, reminding mum that it was me and offering comfort and a coffee (her favourite drink, mum hasn't noticed that I switched to decaf). We then made friends again. It took much practice on my part not to retaliate but a good outcome is better and swifter if you can avoid returning the anger. I also have to deal with the delight with which mum greets other members of the family who do not spend much time with her but as time has gone by there have been times when mum shows her appreciation for what I do (I confess I usually have find somewhere to go and cry on such occasions).
You may not agree but I think you have one great advantage over me namely, the other people in your household. I look after mum single-handedly and only speak to my partner by telephone (every night). My partner cannot be with me as we have a house of our own to look after and mum currently will not tolerate his presence. We are 150 miles apart and so can't arrange quick visits.
I even had the same reaction to a day centre. Mum initially went reluctantly on the advice of her doctor but after a few months decided it was not for her and refused to go. Mum will not go anywhere with out my company or that of my brother, who rarely spends more than an hour at a time with her.
I am not saying these things as a way of trying to trump your difficulties but honestly in an attempt to show you that you are not alone. I cannot say or even imagine the future for either of us but my thoughts are with you.
I hope you will take this in the spirit is intended and perhaps draw some consolation from what I have written.
Dave
Poor you! my mum is the same with me (im abusing her!!!) thats what she tells my sis?? stupid sis beleives everything she says about me and wont beleive that my mum could treat anyone like that?? boy cant wait for diagnosis.
Im sorry but im having counselling for stress am past the guilt stage and noone should put up with abuse like this I know its an illness but honestly I cannot take anymore and either she goes into a home OR she does something dangerous and dies im alone here with no help or support but will not do this alone a home or someone else will have to look after her you should really get outside help and ask your family for more help if I dont leave and get her into a home i will get very ill with the stress im the one who is here looking after her and im the one who gets the abuse its AWFUL and hurts like hell!!
Take care of yourself as youre no good to anyone if it gets too much and you get ill (last week my mum told my sis that i was being aggressive and she was AFRAID of me?? my sis rang my bro and he came up and threathened to kick ME out they do not think she has dementia and until i get a diagnosis the stress is unbearable)
You are lucky you have some family support but the abuse hurts like hell when its only you that gets it!!
You are doing youre best and more keep telling yourself this!!!!!!
