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Conversation?

Looseleaf

Registered User
Mar 22, 2020
30
0
How I long for a good conversation! I think two questions posed by my OH today sum up the standard of our conversation nowadays : How old am I and when am I going to die? Did you ever go to school? ( I was a teacher!!). Other times I am trying to be 3 steps ahead of him to understand what he is trying to say. So sad as he was always such an excellent conversationalist and taught me lots!

Now I am missing having any quality conversations. When I am on the phone he will follow me and listen in or will challenge why I have been so long. I am also on tenterhooks as he has also walked off out of the house several times while I have been on the phone to a friend (he has a very poor sense of direction and so I need to follow).

If a family member has phoned I need to make sure they speak to him. While I speak to them he will contradict and argue with anything I am saying. Which is the same when we are chatting on a walk with one of them or a friend. It is also a challenge to keep him involved in the conversation otherwise he becomes very despondent!

He has come to hate Zoom after using it only a couple of times early in the year due to not understanding it. He will not let me use it without coming into the room and interfering with comments or again threatening to go out for a walk.

Hopefully when life is not restricted by Covid there will be a way round this and the chance to have a decent conversation with family or friends will be a possiblity!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,442
0
Kent
Hello @Looseleaf

I`m sure all carers past and present will be able to identify with you. Feelings of isolation are the most difficult demands of being a carer for someone with dementia.

Hopefully once the vaccine is available you will be able to get some day care which will give you some time for yourself.
Meanwhile I have every sympathy for you, knowing how difficult I would have found being a carer during a pandemic.
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,823
0
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
Hi @Looseleaf ,
I can relate to what you say. Not only is any kind of conversation with my husband impossible , but also any form of elementary communication , such as " do you want some mayonnaise in your salad?" or "can you plese close the door to the garage?".
Chatting on the phone with a friend is also difficult . My husband seems to be jealous or suspicious of anything I can do on my own , so he watches and shadows me.
I don't know how I will get out of this situation which was not different before the pandemic and won't be different after it because I am the only person he wants to stay with. I feel I am trapped.
 

vannesser

Registered User
Apr 4, 2016
370
0
Hi @Looseleaf ,
I can relate to what you say. Not only is any kind of conversation with my husband impossible , but also any form of elementary communication , such as " do you want some mayonnaise in your salad?" or "can you plese close the door to the garage?".
Chatting on the phone with a friend is also difficult . My husband seems to be jealous or suspicious of anything I can do on my own , so he watches and shadows me.
I don't know how I will get out of this situation which was not different before the pandemic and won't be different after it because I am the only person he wants to stay with. I feel I am trapped.
My husband is so like yours he can not follow me as he his bed bound but if i go in kitchen to do a drink he keep asking what i doing and how am i talking to as it takes a long time thats after 5 minutes .if i go on phone i only have to say how it is and he pulls a face and tells me to hurry ( most of people family know how he is know so they tell me to ring when he asleep)and as for people coming round in our bubble he gets angry if i talk to them but he just lays there not talking and accuses me of trying to chat them up male or female.
He as had vascale .
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
164
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
Oh yes, oh yes ... I remember conversation. Words, fun, jokes, puns, plans, feelings and ideas explored and shared. My brain is atrophying for the lack of it. And the same old. same old routine questions of how old am I? where do I sleep? are we married? do we live here? have I got any money? do you think I'll live to 100? and on and on and on and on.
And being shadowed. Like we're surgically attached. For heaven's sake - I've only gone to the kitchen - which can be seen from the whatever you call it area we live in - I've not left home!
The bathroom used to be a nice escape but if I'm out of sight for more than is considered reasonable (depends on the day whether that's 2, 5 10 - or 15 minutes if I'm lucky) I hear the usual 'Are you alright? I thought I heard you call me'. NOOOOOO! I didn't call you. I'm having some ME TIME! On the loo or in the shower or deciding whether to flush my head further round the bend. Pffftttt!
But hey-ho ... I'm gradually learning to give up, cave in, and just get on with it. Breathe. Keep breathing, breathing is good. Change what I can, accept what I can't, and stop being an impatient mare.
 

Hayley JS

Registered User
Feb 20, 2020
272
0
I relate to all the above but specifically relating to conversation, what bugs me most is not mums reaction but mine. I know she can't help making bizzare statements, but why oh why can I not keep my mouth shut and not instigate the response in the first place! The worst time for this is when we're watching the news and before I know it, out pops my opinion and off we go with a teeth clenchingly wierd conversation...
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,742
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I have always been an early riser and appreciated those first couple of hours on my own and even more so now that once OH is up and fed she will sit looking at the TV (not sure that watching is correct term as it means little to her) and when she does so I am suddenly so lonely and in need of good conversation. Never realised how lonely it could feel.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,442
0
Kent
Never realised how lonely it could feel.

Isolation , especially in these times is soul destroying. I had a wonderful care package in the `good old days` but was still alone with my husband for 21 hours a day.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
OH is so deaf now that he cannot hear what I am saying unless he is right next to me and, even then, he often cant process it properly. He also never initiates conversation now. So many times Im thinking about something and my mind goes back to the way things used to be, so that I say something to him, only to see him struggle to get up and come over to me in order to say "pardon?". Then when Ive repeated it several times he will just nod, or say something quite bizarre and I wonder why I bothered. These days I only speak to tell him something that he needs to know, or ask him a question when I need to know the answer.

He doesnt like music being played, or the TV/radio on - I think it sounds distorted to him and an irritant, so there is a lot of silence in my house.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,365
0
Oh I'm sorry to hear that @canary. How about headphones for you? I totally understand where your husband is coming from though. As a deaf person I hate background music as I can hear it, but not understand it and it prevents me from understanding conversation. My pet hate is my audiology clinic where they had music on in the background. When I mentioned it to the audiologist she said 'Oh a lot of people say that.' Last time I went there wasn't any music, not sure if they've decided to ditch it or it was because my appointment was so late most staff had gone home.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,385
0
South coast
Yes, Ive thought about headphones @Sarasa , but they used to set him off (I think he worried that I wouldnt be able to hear him if he needed me) and now Ive got so used to the silence that even if he is asleep I just dont think to turn music/radio on.
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
840
0
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Change what I can, accept what I can't, and stop being an impatient mare.
I totally agree with you, but I'm finding it easier said than done.
When I can I escape to my crafting, but every five minutes he's calling out "are you alright?". When I mention this to anyone they say how sweet that is. But it's not sweet, it's draining.
 

Agzy

Registered User
Nov 16, 2016
1,742
0
Moreton, Wirral. UK.
I have the Loop system wired into our lounge and have T settings on 50/50 so I can hear TV and Pauline if she needs me. The same with music as I have music on phone and iPod with plug in round my neck loop wire so overcoming my hearing issues and my needs to hear her.
 

Ails

New member
Nov 21, 2020
4
0
Hi @Looseleaf ,
I can relate to what you say. Not only is any kind of conversation with my husband impossible , but also any form of elementary communication , such as " do you want some mayonnaise in your salad?" or "can you plese close the door to the garage?".
Chatting on the phone with a friend is also difficult . My husband seems to be jealous or suspicious of anything I can do on my own , so he watches and shadows me.
I don't know how I will get out of this situation which was not different before the pandemic and won't be different after it because I am the only person he wants to stay with. I feel I am trapped.
So glad to read I’m not alone with this. Speaking on the phone, someone at the door, all seem to bother him. I’m trapped too.
 

Steve1953

New member
Mar 24, 2020
4
0
I crave for conversation. The poor ladies at the supermarket check outs must dread seeing me in their queue!
 

Looseleaf

Registered User
Mar 22, 2020
30
0
It is so reassuring to know that being denied quality conversation is all part of caring for someone with dementia. On the other hand it is sad to discover there are so many of us in the same position. I wish I was aware of this when friends were caring for partners with dementia and could have found some way to help.

Another aspect of limited conversations with my OH I find frustrating is the continual contradictions. Some days I feel if I said coal was black my OH would say 'no its not its white!' Yet he relies on my memory but will contradict what I say. He has always been prone to this and in the past I could argue back but not now! I would be interested to know if others find this an issue.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,950
0
Southampton
there has been a worrying change to my husband and conversation. yesterday, he seemed to be talking differently. a bit vague and i kept asking him if he was alright, nothing wrong. he seemed absent, different. today i hoovered through and felt sick so lay on the bed. i fell asleep and hour later i woke up freezing and although he denies it, he didnt come to see where i was and when i came down, he was startled to see me and he agreed he didnt know where i was. he changed his story but i tend to go with the first story as he had such a startled expression in his eyes. i think ive lost another part of him.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
143
0
Yes, yes, yes! I can 't leave the room without being called back for something very trivial, even though I've been sitting there for hours. (Mum can't walk, otherwise I'm sure she would follow me everywhere.) She was always easy going, but would now argue black was white, just for the sake of it. Any attempt at conversation sends us off in completely random directions, which have no bearing on the topic at all. Nothing makes any sense e.g.apparently someone I used to work with was President of USA? I'm afraid I can't help trying to inject some logic into the situation - I know, waste of time - which only results in more gibberish. The saddest part is that she would be utterly mortified if she could see herself.
 

Cariad 42

Registered User
Dec 18, 2018
18
0
Oh the contradictions are utterly draining. My OH is barely understandable now and yet in amongst this he is able to contradict so much of what I say. I have no energy or inclination to argue back (and I realise I shouldn't anyway) but he wants me to explain myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be explaining. If I don't respond I get accused of not talking to him but if I do say something, he doesn't believe me. This has been particularly bad in the last two days and is compounded by the fact that he has the notion that I'm having an affair!!!!!
I've woken at 4am dreading the morning.
Of course this is so much worse for him. His belief I'm having an affair must be breaking his heart 😔.
Oh well, at least the Christmas 🎄 is going up today, accompanied by the singing of carols and the munching of chocolate.