Hi
I'm new to this forum. I've read some of the illustrative threads in which I recognised some of my problems, so I'm hopeful that I might get some helpful replies (there's a lot of experience out there).
By way of introduction: I'm 53 and the now full-time breadwinner in the family (with 19-year-old son at university). My husband is 75, retired and house-husband and, to my understanding, suffering from some kind of dementia and posssibly depression. He doesn't seek social contact (even finding excuses not to visit his son from previous marriage whom he loves and is proud of) and feels isolated. We've somehow managed to pass the first hurdle without my husband being very aware of the implications, via a very sympathetic GP, and have had a visit at home by the "memory doctor". The somewhat vague (again, probably sympathetic) diagnosis is "probable mixture of vascular dementia [brain scan showed damage] and early Alzheimer's."
My husband doesn't like or accept the A-word (that's for people who are gaga and dribbling - sorry). He also happens to have experienced some physical health problems in the recent past: surgery for colon cancer. He is convinced that all his "memory problems/head not working as it should" are due to this and will come right when he's fully recovered. He needs to keep his optimism, and any hint at realism on my part is viewed as negative and upsets him. Now it's a hernia which needs to be dealt with, and assorted digestive problems (a long-standing obsession). Until all this is sorted, he doesn't want to be "distracted" by further visits with the memory clinic.
It doesn't feel right to me to just keep playing along with these illusions, but I can't bring myself to give him the hard truth: surgery and recovery from it won't bring back your memory or reasoning faculties. In the past he's always been plain-speaking and wanted to know the truth. I feel it should come from a professional source but how do I get him to attend another meeting without him feeling forced (he's very determined that he knows what he wants/needs)?
Thanks for any suggestions
muse
I'm new to this forum. I've read some of the illustrative threads in which I recognised some of my problems, so I'm hopeful that I might get some helpful replies (there's a lot of experience out there).
By way of introduction: I'm 53 and the now full-time breadwinner in the family (with 19-year-old son at university). My husband is 75, retired and house-husband and, to my understanding, suffering from some kind of dementia and posssibly depression. He doesn't seek social contact (even finding excuses not to visit his son from previous marriage whom he loves and is proud of) and feels isolated. We've somehow managed to pass the first hurdle without my husband being very aware of the implications, via a very sympathetic GP, and have had a visit at home by the "memory doctor". The somewhat vague (again, probably sympathetic) diagnosis is "probable mixture of vascular dementia [brain scan showed damage] and early Alzheimer's."
My husband doesn't like or accept the A-word (that's for people who are gaga and dribbling - sorry). He also happens to have experienced some physical health problems in the recent past: surgery for colon cancer. He is convinced that all his "memory problems/head not working as it should" are due to this and will come right when he's fully recovered. He needs to keep his optimism, and any hint at realism on my part is viewed as negative and upsets him. Now it's a hernia which needs to be dealt with, and assorted digestive problems (a long-standing obsession). Until all this is sorted, he doesn't want to be "distracted" by further visits with the memory clinic.
It doesn't feel right to me to just keep playing along with these illusions, but I can't bring myself to give him the hard truth: surgery and recovery from it won't bring back your memory or reasoning faculties. In the past he's always been plain-speaking and wanted to know the truth. I feel it should come from a professional source but how do I get him to attend another meeting without him feeling forced (he's very determined that he knows what he wants/needs)?
Thanks for any suggestions
muse