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Continually asking to come home, being in denial about needing care.

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by Mary Em, Nov 3, 2017.

  1. Mary Em

    Mary Em Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    Mum has been in a lovely care home for 3 months now...my sister brother and i put her there 3 months after dad died because we had tried looki g after her ourselves with carers, and one week of live in care which wasnt very successful. We were exhausted after a difficult time while dad was ill and mums behaviour not easy.
    The home say she has settled well, however i dont agree. She tells me she woukd just love to be back in her own home, with the freedom to walk in to her own kitchen and make some toast, potter in her own garden, etc. Her alzheimers is late onset, and she is still fully mobile, needs help with bathing, but is still quite independent in many ways. She is quite lucid much of the time but her short term memory is very poor. She helps other residents in the home ( many are very much worse than her!) She has built good relationships with the carers who are wonderful. Also with some residents. However i am continually fretting about whether we should bring her home and try live in care again, or aother idea recently ...my brother and his wife have offered to move in with her and care for her if it works. This would also be a way of saving her house as within the next 4 months her savings will have run out and we will need to sell her house! Another worry.

    So you see my dilemma. I feel so guilty and am constantly worrying about her happiness, when i visit or just before i leave her she starts on about coming home and gets very cross with me when i say she is safe and looked after well where she is...she gets angry and tells me to get out. I think about thjs all the time and wonder if it would work ? We could use day centre services and other support to give family living with her a break. My sister and i would also help of course.
    If if didnt work then we could put her back in the care home and at least we would havs tried it, and done everything we could.
    Has anyone had a similiar experience?
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    #2 Beate, Nov 3, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
    This comes up quite often actually. As soon as someone is in care, people see the past through rose tinted glasses, then they become guilty. The reality is that you have tried before and it didn't work. The reality is that she is now in a place that meets her needs. The reality is probably also that she is fine and settled in when you are not there, but your presence triggers memories and then the complaining starts. Moving her back now would only create upheaval, plus your brother and his wife probably don't quite understand what they might be taking on here. If it doesn't work out, have they got somewhere to move back to?
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    I'm afraid I have to agree with @Beate. The Home say she is settled well. I would talk to them about how your mother is when you are not around. Even from what you have said, it seems she is pretty content, helping out etc. And you need to remember, her condition is not going to remain as it is now. And if you found that after a few weeks or months, your brother and his wife couldn't, after all, manage, there would be no guarantee that the Home would still have a place available.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @Mary Em

    Consider why you decided on residential care in the first place for your mother. She has a progressive illness so try to realise today is the best she will be.

    I remember worrying I had decided too early to accept residential care for my mother but within a few months I realised it was the only decision I could have made.

    People who live alone are more at risk then those living with a partner or family. I was able to keep my husband at home for much longer than my mother because I was with him 24/7.

    However good the care package is for someone living alone, there is still a major part of the day when they are alone and unsupervised. This is when they are most at risk.

    Perhaps you could reassure your mother by putting the onus on the doctor, saying they want her to build up her strength before she can go home. It`s not truthful I know but I feel it`s justified if it brings a grain of comfort.

    It worked for us.
  5. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    Would your mother adapt to having your brother and his wife in her house? I doubt it. Our PWD wouldn't have. I agree with the comment above - this is the best she will ever be. We had such hopes of our PWD living a contented life, being included in family life, living near my sister. But wishing couldn't make it happen. She's now safe in a care home. She sometimes wants to go home but can't remember where that is. Other times she's frightened she'll be made to leave the care home and I have to reassure her.
  6. Mary Em

    Mary Em Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    Thankyou all for your replies. They are really helpful.
    Mostly i am being told it wouldnt work. I am gradually realising that it would be a bad idea to bring her home. Maybe bringing her to my house for a days visit would work instead now and then.......
  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    It may do; it worked for mum in the early stages. The pitfalls to watch out for is if she becomes agitated if she leaves the care home (whatever she may say about wanting to leave the CH!), if she decides that she doesnt want to go back to the care home and kicks off, or if she stays too long gets tired and sundowning starts up.
    Have you tried taking her out of the care home on a short trip? If not, try neutral territory like a cafe for tea and cake, a trip to a garden centre or walk round a park to see how she gets on.
  8. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Dad took many months to settle or it could have been that his illness declined so he became less aware. I was never able to take him out it would have been confusing for him, would have struggled to get him settled again and in the end felt it wouldn't be kind to him or risk undoing the hard workin by Staff and me settling him in to some degree and I do determining able to but for dad who became agitated if I had my coat on...learnt to leave it in the car so not a trigger...it was the right way to go. Other residents were taken out regularly and it seemed to woe for them but I don't think any were taken back to their own house
  9. Buttons53

    Buttons53 New member

    Nov 11, 2017
    Thank you I've just read your post as I was doubting whether the doctor n professional's had assessed my dad wrong and I was worrying about guiltily going along with them about my dad needing to move into a nursing home as I'm struggling with depression and worry and Iam a only child and the decision is all on me and I can't switch off keep bursting into tears and not being able to think straight and even trying to sleep isn't brilliant as i'm restless :-( x
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Residential care a dreadful decision to have to make @Button53 especially if the responsibility is all on you.

    Try to think your dad is as well today as he will ever be and realise he has a progressive illness and will eventually need residential care no matter how long you delay it for.
    Unless you can get an excellent care package for him, his care will be too much for one person to manage.

    If you manage to find the best home possible for your dad you will have people who will share the caring with you and this will give you some time for yourself.

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