Constantly accessing porn

TrulyScrumptious

Registered User
Jun 6, 2022
11
0
My recently diagnosed husband of 75 is constantly looking at adult porn on his phone
i have read other threads and can see it can be a form of disinhibition stage
He says he understands how hurtful it is to me but doesn’t stop despite saying he will. My only strategy is to take his phone away but this is difficult if I need to contact him. I have read about parental controls and will attempt to put them on but the bigger problem is how to address this and does he need professional help
He has been impotent since 2008 so sex has for this long been an anxious and distressing subject. He says he still hopes he could get an erection and this is why he looks at the porn but I think it has gone beyond this and become an obsession whereby he chooses to hurt me rather than go without
Has anyone any words of wisdom.?.
 

Long journey ahead

Registered User
Mar 28, 2020
149
0
Preston lancashire
My recently diagnosed husband of 75 is constantly looking at adult porn on his phone
i have read other threads and can see it can be a form of disinhibition stage
He says he understands how hurtful it is to me but doesn’t stop despite saying he will. My only strategy is to take his phone away but this is difficult if I need to contact him. I have read about parental controls and will attempt to put them on but the bigger problem is how to address this and does he need professional help
He has been impotent since 2008 so sex has for this long been an anxious and distressing subject. He says he still hopes he could get an erection and this is why he looks at the porn but I think it has gone beyond this and become an obsession whereby he chooses to hurt me rather than go without
Has anyone any words of wisdom.?.
My OH does this too.
Similar to yourself we haven't been intimate for years because he couldnt.
I turn a blind eye to it at home.
But I think he doesn't have the same boundaries that he should.
Example being. He had to go for an x-ray today on his back. The nurse told him he needed to remove his jeans and out on a gown. He said he would undress in front of other patients . She told him to go in a changing room. He didn't understand why. I had to have a quiet word with him and explain that other patients may not like it, possibly complain.
He uses inappropriate language in front of strangers.
I dread taking him to appointments and always feel relieved when we get home.
I remind myself that it isn't normal for my oh to behave this way. It's his lack of understanding boundaries now.
 

knapdale

New member
Apr 3, 2021
5
0
Similar problem here, leading to diagnosis of FTD and vascular dementia. Not only porn but then open to financial scams. 2 years later he is still getting emails from porn contacts. I manage to delete these before he sees them. Yes, infringement of his liberty but proportional

If your husband uses an iPhone, you can use ScreenTime to limit what he can see via Internet. I have used it to bar all social media and limit viewing to specific internet sites. When I explained that it was to keep him safe, he agreed and now manages happily withe the sites he can access. I should say that I add any additional sites he wants once I have checked them

He would still like to access porn but he manages without now

I hope this might help. I know how upsetting disinhibition can be
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,529
0
South coast
I had exactly this problem with my OH too @TrulyScrumptious and for exactly the same reason.

The way I solved it was to turn on the parental controls on the broadband (so I didnt have to access his device). I went into our on-line account and first changed the email address to mine and then changed the account password. Then I found the parental controls and switched them on so that he could not access adult material, could not buy prescription drugs (he had previously persuaded the GP to give him viagra - and not for us to use...) and also gambling sites for good measure.

When he complained that he couldnt get onto sites I feigned innocence and said it must be due to an upgrade. He didnt know what to do and I didnt help him in the slightest. After a while he forgot about it all and the phase passed.
 

Beatrice23

New member
Dec 13, 2022
2
0
My husband was diagnosed with mixed dementia 4 years ago. He was accessing porn on his iPad. I found it very distressing. Sitting in the same room knowing what he was watching was uncomfortable. He couldn’t understand why I was upset. I eventually just took his iPad away. He has only once asked for his iPad. I just said it had a problem and wasn’t usable. He accepted the explanation. His behaviour with his carers to me is unacceptable. I know it’s the disease, he would never have behaved in this way. He has lost his empathy, he has no idea his behaviour is unacceptable. It doesn’t make it any easier for me to accept, I try but it isn’t easy. I’m shocked at his behaviour and his very lewd comments. The wonderful care company send the experienced, ie older, members of staff. They are truly wonderful. Yes, we have to accept it’s the disease but it still is distressing. Most people are understanding.
 

TrulyScrumptious

Registered User
Jun 6, 2022
11
0
Thank you for all your responses which I found useful and comforting because I know I’m not alone. It’s another by product of easy access as porn is so available.
As my OH still functions well at other things it is hard when he does things out of character to explain to others but he has no filters when it comes to showing disdain or disapproval at something I do and will sound off in front of anyone,friends,in shop queues or elsewhere. I get so uncomfortable and embarrassed I don’t want to go out with him as I am on edge all the time. He has also Had faecal accidents in 2 restaurant toilets by going too late and I have wanted to die
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,417
0
Nottinghamshire
My dad went through a similar phase of very inappropriate behaviour with his carer and his granddaughter shortly after he was diagnosed @TrulyScrumptious .
We eventually realised the start of the behaviour coincided with him having an increase in Donepezil from 5mg to 10mg. Fortunately reducing the dose back to 5mg solved the problem.
 

old nurse

New member
Jan 7, 2024
1
0
My OH does this too.
Similar to yourself we haven't been intimate for years because he couldnt.
I turn a blind eye to it at home.
But I think he doesn't have the same boundaries that he should.
Example being. He had to go for an x-ray today on his back. The nurse told him he needed to remove his jeans and out on a gown. He said he would undress in front of other patients . She told him to go in a changing room. He didn't understand why. I had to have a quiet word with him and explain that other patients may not like it, possibly complain.
He uses inappropriate language in front of strangers.
I dread taking him to appointments and always feel relieved when we get home.
I remind myself that it isn't normal for my oh to behave this way. It's his lack of understanding boundaries now.
Oh my.. I am finding this same thing.. my husband and I haven't had sex in 12 years.? Now with his dx of Alzheimers.? He is viewing porn.. looking up viagra..what do I do??
 

sapphire turner

Registered User
Jan 14, 2022
612
0
My husband has been obsessed with sex for the last couple of years, at first I tried to humour him but it got more nasty and I had to say no. It has been nearly a year since I withdrew to the spare room and refused all sexual contact but he still asks to cuddle then behaves like a creepy uncle. It is sad and disgusting. I try not to react unless he crosses a line but I find it all very difficult to cope with.
 

Aflon

New member
May 2, 2022
1
0
Oh my goodness! I thought it was just me. My husband has been slipping into vascular dementia since the pandemic. He was admitted to hospital for 3 days almost two weeks ago. Whilst he was in there, I found his computer, kindle and phone were infested with porn. After I got over the shock, I cleared everything off and asked him not to do it it again. It is disrespectful and exploitative. He is at home and I have basically become his carer now. I'm at the point of having to consider leaving my much-loved 2-day a week job. This morning I looked at his kindle and it is stuffed full of porn again. This is a man who has had no sex drive for literally decades. I can't even bear to look at him.
 

Fotoliza

Registered User
May 28, 2023
81
0
Oh my goodness! I thought it was just me. My husband has been slipping into vascular dementia since the pandemic. He was admitted to hospital for 3 days almost two weeks ago. Whilst he was in there, I found his computer, kindle and phone were infested with porn. After I got over the shock, I cleared everything off and asked him not to do it it again. It is disrespectful and exploitative. He is at home and I have basically become his carer now. I'm at the point of having to consider leaving my much-loved 2-day a week job. This morning I looked at his kindle and it is stuffed full of porn again. This is a man who has had no sex drive for literally decades. I can't even bear to look at him.
I am upset that my husband "plays" at night and I too have caught him using a porn site. I know men have needs and our marriage has not been happy for years. When you say you can't bear to look at your OH, that resonated with me and I wonder why I hadn't left him years ago when first unhappy.
I would feel too guilty or financially compromised now. He has Vascular Dementia and it is declining since January although for the past 3 years I knew he wasn't right.
Best wishes, E
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,529
0
South coast
Oh my goodness! I thought it was just me. My husband has been slipping into vascular dementia since the pandemic. He was admitted to hospital for 3 days almost two weeks ago. Whilst he was in there, I found his computer, kindle and phone were infested with porn.................. This morning I looked at his kindle and it is stuffed full of porn again.
Hi @Aflon

As per my post upthread I had exactly the same issue. I went into the broadband account and put on the parental locks to prevent my OH from accessing any adult material. Then I changed the password. I made sure I deleted emails that would tell him what I had done. I also deleted other stuff as his emails were full of scams
 

Mamabearkleis

New member
Apr 25, 2024
1
0
I am so glad to have found other care partners who have to deal with this! Just knowing I’m not the only one helps so much. My husband was diagnosed with young onset Parkinson’s 17 years ago; 9 years ago really started cognitive decline, apathy, etc. Those things I can manage but the porn consumes his day, comes in waves. We have tried to take his phone away (his neurologist suggested it) but he fought that harder than taking his license away. My latest battle is curbing his ability to cast from his phone onto the tv — I feel like the nuns in The Sound of Music — I have hidden the tv power cord….. I miss the old him so much. That man would be so upset to know where he is now.