Constant crying

[GraceG]

Hello
This is my first post.
My mother's doctor advised me to look for support so here I am and thank you in advance for being there.
My mother has vascular dementia and mixed type Alzheimer. I think she is quite progressed with it but am not sure as doctor says everyone is different.
I was hoping you could help with some advice please.
My mother has recently taken to crying and whining all the time and getting worse- the last two months or so.
She has been living in extra care accommodation for the last 7 months and I support her care there even throughout Covid because she is a high needs case with other disabilities.
It's the crying and whining I'm having trouble with - it's when I'm with her, when I'm on the phone to her which is all the time.
It's pushing me to my limits and grating my nerves no end. I've discussed it with the consultant but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. My mother has basically become completely incompetent at literally everything despite being able to when pushed.
The carers say she's fine, only cries with me, or it's the dementia progressing and it is I'm sure the dementia related upset, anxiety, worry, fear which is awful for her but for me to stay with her day and night 24/7 which is what she wants is just not an option - I know I couldn't cope and I feel guilty enough as it is that I can't give her what she wants. But I also don't know what to do.
My question is -
Does anyone else experience this crying and whining (or is alot of it for my benefit)
Any suggestions on how to address it please?
Thank you kindly for your time.
Grace

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @GraceG you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

My wife cries quite easily and I've heard her whimpering if she is frightened /confused and unable to find me. It is also possible that there is some specific discomfort or worry that your mother can't vocalise in any other way. A common thing is shadowing(wanting constant contact) and I think that is a symptom of anxiety and confusion - it's something my wife does and it's hard to take as the carer gets little personal time/space as a result. I wonder if the GP may be able to help with possible depression or anxiety in your mother's case. My wife is medicated for both of these conditions as well as her dementia.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. Different behaviours and things like depression and anxiety are also covered as well as there being a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[Ruth1974]

Hello
This is my first post.
My mother's doctor advised me to look for support so here I am and thank you in advance for being there.
My mother has vascular dementia and mixed type Alzheimer. I think she is quite progressed with it but am not sure as doctor says everyone is different.
I was hoping you could help with some advice please.
My mother has recently taken to crying and whining all the time and getting worse- the last two months or so.
She has been living in extra care accommodation for the last 7 months and I support her care there even throughout Covid because she is a high needs case with other disabilities.
It's the crying and whining I'm having trouble with - it's when I'm with her, when I'm on the phone to her which is all the time.
It's pushing me to my limits and grating my nerves no end. I've discussed it with the consultant but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. My mother has basically become completely incompetent at literally everything despite being able to when pushed.
The carers say she's fine, only cries with me, or it's the dementia progressing and it is I'm sure the dementia related upset, anxiety, worry, fear which is awful for her but for me to stay with her day and night 24/7 which is what she wants is just not an option - I know I couldn't cope and I feel guilty enough as it is that I can't give her what she wants. But I also don't know what to do.
My question is -
Does anyone else experience this crying and whining (or is alot of it for my benefit)
Any suggestions on how to address it please?
Thank you kindly for your time.
Grace

Yes. Before lockdown my husband would phone me at work in floods of tears because he needed me to come home. He would also go round the neighbours houses in tears looking for me.
I thought that lockdown would help, ive worked from home since March but as soon as I was at home he decided that he wanted to go home to his mum. He now wanders round all day sobbing for his mum. She's been dead for 20 years so theres not much i can do.
I can sometimes give him a huge bar of chocolate to distract him but really, nothing helps for long. Ive learned to ignore it. I tell him (about 700 times a day) that his mums at the caravan in whitby with his auntie Elsie. Sometimes that reassures him.
I think that he feels scared, lost and distressed and this is how he puts it into words....maybe thats the same for your relative? You can only do the best you can do and you need to have boundaries. If my experience is anything to go by, being there 24/7 makes no difference at all.

 

[DILhelp]

Hello
This is my first post.
My mother's doctor advised me to look for support so here I am and thank you in advance for being there.
My mother has vascular dementia and mixed type Alzheimer. I think she is quite progressed with it but am not sure as doctor says everyone is different.
I was hoping you could help with some advice please.
My mother has recently taken to crying and whining all the time and getting worse- the last two months or so.
She has been living in extra care accommodation for the last 7 months and I support her care there even throughout Covid because she is a high needs case with other disabilities.
It's the crying and whining I'm having trouble with - it's when I'm with her, when I'm on the phone to her which is all the time.
It's pushing me to my limits and grating my nerves no end. I've discussed it with the consultant but it doesn't seem to have made any difference. My mother has basically become completely incompetent at literally everything despite being able to when pushed.
The carers say she's fine, only cries with me, or it's the dementia progressing and it is I'm sure the dementia related upset, anxiety, worry, fear which is awful for her but for me to stay with her day and night 24/7 which is what she wants is just not an option - I know I couldn't cope and I feel guilty enough as it is that I can't give her what she wants. But I also don't know what to do.
My question is -
Does anyone else experience this crying and whining (or is alot of it for my benefit)
Any suggestions on how to address it please?
Thank you kindly for your time.
Grace

Hi my MIL went through the stage of crying alot but we noticed it was happening when she looked at photos of her deceased parents. They were above the fireplace on the wall.
We took them down and she barely cries now...but then again her alzheimer's has advanced and she does not recognize anyone.
Try to be aware if anything is triggering these incidents. I'm sorry you are going through this. God bless x

 

[canary]

Hello @GraceG

Im sure that everyone is correct and the problem is the underlying anxiety, but I was very struck by you saying that she isnt like this for the carers and only when you are there.

Ive seen this with other residents of mums care home. One of the residents used to get very upset every time they had a visit from their relative and would immediately start crying, which understandably upset the relative who would then sit with then, hug them, rock them, stroke their hair, but nothing worked. Then, once their relative had gone, literally within minutes they were chatting to one of the carers.

What was happening was that people with dementia mirror the mood of the person they are with. I definitely used to notice this with mum - if I was cheerful, she would be, but if I was upset she would pick that up straight away and she would be upset too. The other thing is that they may not remember what happened, but they remember how they feel, So each time the relatives visited, the lady would remember how she felt last time they came and would start to get upset; the relatives would arrive anxious because previously they had had bad visits and the lady would pick this up, mirror their emotions and start crying. So the whole thing became a vicious cycle and a behavioural loop.

Do you think that this may be what is happening?

 

[Hazara8]

Hello @GraceG

Im sure that everyone is correct and the problem is the underlying anxiety, but I was very struck by you saying that she isnt like this for the carers and only when you are there.

Ive seen this with other residents of mums care home. One of the residents used to get very upset every time they had a visit from their relative and would immediately start crying, which understandably upset the relative who would then sit with then, hug them, rock them, stroke their hair, but nothing worked. Then, once their relative had gone, literally within minutes they were chatting to one of the carers.

What was happening was that people with dementia mirror the mood of the person they are with. I definitely used to notice this with mum - if I was cheerful, she would be, but if I was upset she would pick that up straight away and she would be upset too. The other thing is that they may not remember what happened, but they remember how they feel, So each time the relatives visited, the lady would remember how she felt last time they came and would start to get upset; the relatives would arrive anxious because previously they had had bad visits and the lady would pick this up, mirror their emotions and start crying. So the whole thing became a vicious cycle and a behavioural loop.

Do you think that this may be what is happening?

A very perceptive post if l might respectfully say so. Emotions in turmoil can bring about long bouts of crying and depression certainly underlies much of this. But there are " triggers" which you cite and which can engender an emotion which cannot be linked to a specific incident or memory. This can be so subtle that it is often unnoticed by family or even Care Staff. I have been subject to precisely this with a resident ( lady) who suddenly burst into tears mid conversation and l was at a loss as to what l had said or indeed done to bring that about. An inflection or even a change of expression can do this. Sometimes it can simply be an expression of frustration whereby emotions are in a state of flux. All of this can change as the disease progresses. But yes, it is not at all uncommon to see an almost instantaneous transformation in a residents emotional behaviour once family members depart. The one aspect of the absence of short term memory is thus " positive" in as much as it removes that lingering sorrow or sense of loss which is so damaging when loved ones wave goodbye.

I can recall a truly challenging moment with my late mother, some months prior to diagnosis.
She sobbed deeply and distressingly on my shoulder one evening and l was uncertain as to why. I now realise it was an expression of insecurity, a plea to understand why she was experiencing strange feelings and which created genuine anxiety and fear. At such moments, as with the crying baby, you apply " comfort " and that is nearly always physical comfort. The holding of a hand, the embrace, just being there.
But unlike the baby, the causation behind the tears can be complex and elusive and a mystery, albeit very real and very meaningful for the one who is living with dementia and all that unremitting disease entails.

 

[MartinWL]

My father has bouts of emotional distress and tears. He has mixed vascular/alz. There is some logic to this as he has several things to be unhappy about, separation from wife (in care home), driving license revoked, catheter permanent, loneliness, local social life covid-cancelled, and some of the time he is aware of the problems he has coping with daily life. I have been wondering if I should suggest antidepressants to his doctor. It sounds as if dementia can cause melancholia.

 

[GraceG]

Hello @GraceG

Im sure that everyone is correct and the problem is the underlying anxiety, but I was very struck by you saying that she isnt like this for the carers and only when you are there.

Ive seen this with other residents of mums care home. One of the residents used to get very upset every time they had a visit from their relative and would immediately start crying, which understandably upset the relative who would then sit with then, hug them, rock them, stroke their hair, but nothing worked. Then, once their relative had gone, literally within minutes they were chatting to one of the carers.

What was happening was that people with dementia mirror the mood of the person they are with. I definitely used to notice this with mum - if I was cheerful, she would be, but if I was upset she would pick that up straight away and she would be upset too. The other thing is that they may not remember what happened, but they remember how they feel, So each time the relatives visited, the lady would remember how she felt last time they came and would start to get upset; the relatives would arrive anxious because previously they had had bad visits and the lady would pick this up, mirror their emotions and start crying. So the whole thing became a vicious cycle and a behavioural loop.

Do you think that this may be what is happening?

Hi
canary, post: 1738670, member: 42506

Thank you so much for your kind reply.
It's not that. I'm very much in the mind frame of a carer. Doing what needs to be done. No tears. Thank you though. Much appreciated.

 

[GraceG]

Hi my MIL went through the stage of crying alot but we noticed it was happening when she looked at photos of her deceased parents. They were above the fireplace on the wall.
We took them down and she barely cries now...but then again her alzheimer's has advanced and she does not recognize anyone.
Try to be aware if anything is triggering these incidents. I'm sorry you are going through this. God bless x

Hi

DILhelp, post: 1738668, member: 57079

Thank you for your kind feedback. We've seen that in the past after my father passed away. By taking the picture down it resolved the problem. This situation is many years later and I think it is disorientation and general sadness and not happy in her situation. Thank you for your kind words.

 

[GraceG]

Yes. Before lockdown my husband would phone me at work in floods of tears because he needed me to come home. He would also go round the neighbours houses in tears looking for me.
I thought that lockdown would help, ive worked from home since March but as soon as I was at home he decided that he wanted to go home to his mum. He now wanders round all day sobbing for his mum. She's been dead for 20 years so theres not much i can do.
I can sometimes give him a huge bar of chocolate to distract him but really, nothing helps for long. Ive learned to ignore it. I tell him (about 700 times a day) that his mums at the caravan in whitby with his auntie Elsie. Sometimes that reassures him.
I think that he feels scared, lost and distressed and this is how he puts it into words....maybe thats the same for your relative? You can only do the best you can do and you need to have boundaries. If my experience is anything to go by, being there 24/7 makes no difference at all.

Hi Ruth
Ruth1974, post: 1738663, member: 77638

Thank you so much for your feedback. This is very similar to my situation - thank you.
My mother has started calling out for her own mother and getting upset over sometimes very sad situations that happened years ago again involving her own mother and other situations.
Like you I have been using distraction techniques and again like you it is short lived.
I agree with your suggestions my mum feels scared, lost and distressed and thank you so much for sharing your experience.
So much appreciated.
Take care and thank you.
Grace

 

[GraceG]

Hello @GraceG you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

My wife cries quite easily and I've heard her whimpering if she is frightened /confused and unable to find me. It is also possible that there is some specific discomfort or worry that your mother can't vocalise in any other way. A common thing is shadowing(wanting constant contact) and I think that is a symptom of anxiety and confusion - it's something my wife does and it's hard to take as the carer gets little personal time/space as a result. I wonder if the GP may be able to help with possible depression or anxiety in your mother's case. My wife is medicated for both of these conditions as well as her dementia.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. Different behaviours and things like depression and anxiety are also covered as well as there being a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

Hello karaokePete

Thank you for your reply.
Yes, I can completely relate to what you have described thank you including the reference to shadowing and wanting constant company. Definitely will need to review the medication to take this into account. I have resisted more medication to date because of all their respective side effects that just cause other problems but having seen the feedback I can see it isn't an isolated situation but an effect of the alzheimer.
Thank you also for all the reference points.
So much appreciated and thank you for sharing.
All the best to you and your wife
Grace

 

[GraceG]

A very perceptive post if l might respectfully say so. Emotions in turmoil can bring about long bouts of crying and depression certainly underlies much of this. But there are " triggers" which you cite and which can engender an emotion which cannot be linked to a specific incident or memory. This can be so subtle that it is often unnoticed by family or even Care Staff. I have been subject to precisely this with a resident ( lady) who suddenly burst into tears mid conversation and l was at a loss as to what l had said or indeed done to bring that about. An inflection or even a change of expression can do this. Sometimes it can simply be an expression of frustration whereby emotions are in a state of flux. All of this can change as the disease progresses. But yes, it is not at all uncommon to see an almost instantaneous transformation in a residents emotional behaviour once family members depart. The one aspect of the absence of short term memory is thus " positive" in as much as it removes that lingering sorrow or sense of loss which is so damaging when loved ones wave goodbye.

I can recall a truly challenging moment with my late mother, some months prior to diagnosis.
She sobbed deeply and distressingly on my shoulder one evening and l was uncertain as to why. I now realise it was an expression of insecurity, a plea to understand why she was experiencing strange feelings and which created genuine anxiety and fear. At such moments, as with the crying baby, you apply " comfort " and that is nearly always physical comfort. The holding of a hand, the embrace, just being there.
But unlike the baby, the causation behind the tears can be complex and elusive and a mystery, albeit very real and very meaningful for the one who is living with dementia and all that unremitting disease entails.

Thank you Hazara8

for your feedback.
All the best to you
Grace

 

[Ruth1974]

Hi Ruth
Ruth1974, post: 1738663, member: 77638

Thank you so much for your feedback. This is very similar to my situation - thank you.
My mother has started calling out for her own mother and getting upset over sometimes very sad situations that happened years ago again involving her own mother and other situations.
Like you I have been using distraction techniques and again like you it is short lived.
I agree with your suggestions my mum feels scared, lost and distressed and thank you so much for sharing your experience.
So much appreciated.
Take care and thank you.
Grace

Ots good to know we are not unique in pur weirdness! Probably the professionals roll their eyes and go, "yeah yeah, he's at the 'walking into the neighbour's house in tears carrying his PJs and wanting his mum ' phase".

 

[Firecatcher]

My Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s six months ago and my Dad who is her carer reports that she’s very emotional and gets very anxious about anything. She’s never been very independent and dementia has exacerbated this. I’ve emailed her GP today to see if they’d prescribe a low dose of Diazepam to be used during prolonged episodes of crying. I ‘d really struggle to cope if I was with her 24/7 and really admire how others manage.