Constant conflict
- Thread starter The Book Lady
- Start date
I found as we all do that there is no point in arguing. I learned to cope with it all because I knew he couldn’t help it, he didn’t realise what he was doing etc etc. The thing that I struggled with was sleep deprivation. Because of his mobility problems I couldn’t go to bed until he wanted to. Sometimes it would be after a nocturnal drive to go home so maybe 2 am. Other times he wouldn’t go at all because he didn’t think it was bedtime.
On one memorable occasion we went upstairs to go to bed and I recall him apologising to me because he had to go out to meet with 5 fellas! He assured me he wouldn’t be long. I said that I’d take him. So we got to our drive and he announced he was going to walk to meet them. I went with him as it was dark, the pavements in the village are undulating and narrow and his walking is such that he would have fallen. He held on to me and when we reached the edge of the village he wanted to walk to the next one. I told him I’d take him the next day as it was very dark and I didn’t have a torch. He accepted this but by this time was exhausted and very wobbly. We walked a couple of steps then I would hold him close while he rested. I was terrified he’d fall. A five minute walk took almost twenty minutes. Once home I got him a drink and held his hand. He apologised and said it had frightened him.
Well I realised that he wanted to meet five people because that same evening Boris Johnson had said on the news that we could now do so.
If I’d stopped him he’d have gone anyway. I had my phone in case of an emergency. But this was a case of what was the right thing to do. We have to make so many difficult decisions every day.
On one memorable occasion we went upstairs to go to bed and I recall him apologising to me because he had to go out to meet with 5 fellas! He assured me he wouldn’t be long. I said that I’d take him. So we got to our drive and he announced he was going to walk to meet them. I went with him as it was dark, the pavements in the village are undulating and narrow and his walking is such that he would have fallen. He held on to me and when we reached the edge of the village he wanted to walk to the next one. I told him I’d take him the next day as it was very dark and I didn’t have a torch. He accepted this but by this time was exhausted and very wobbly. We walked a couple of steps then I would hold him close while he rested. I was terrified he’d fall. A five minute walk took almost twenty minutes. Once home I got him a drink and held his hand. He apologised and said it had frightened him.
Well I realised that he wanted to meet five people because that same evening Boris Johnson had said on the news that we could now do so.
If I’d stopped him he’d have gone anyway. I had my phone in case of an emergency. But this was a case of what was the right thing to do. We have to make so many difficult decisions every day.
T
Thank you. My dad always used to say ”Don’t pick a fight you can’t win” but it took me a lifetime to realise what he meant.
Just remember dear that it is not your husband doing that and denying it. It is dementia and unfortunately is going to get worse. Sorry to say that but I am going to repeat what others said. Take it easy and never argue.
@The Book Lady - It is a constant challenge that I am losing. Because OH has no short term memory he accuses me over and over again of the same thing ..... it is impossible to ignore, he won't let me agree, he won't let me walk away, he won't let me stay silent, I try to go into my bedroom and he tells me I'm childish, accuses me of criticising him even when I am just answering his questions. There is no escape and no obvious solution. He was used to being in control, he did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. He resents his limitations and I am the butt of his frustration. I just think some PWD are harder to deal with than others and this can be routed in how they were before the disease took hold.
My husband is exactly the same. It gets me so frustrated. I know he can't help it. He says it's always my fault. We sometimes end up shouting at each other, then I feel bad x
When my was husband was being particularly paranoid, I absolutely walked away, out of the house if I had to. I learned to tune out and a lot of the time my response was a very noncommittal OK. You can ignore it because you have to. I don’t know how independent your OH is but when things got bad, I would go out, go shopping, have lunch with my daughter and would go home only when I knew OH would be playing bridge and would leave me alone.
One night, he was trying to being really hurtful so I got into the car, drove around the block and into my neighbours driveway. I spent a couple of hours chatting and then went home.
He can not force you to speak or answer his questions and you may not have too many options but this is something you can chose or not to do. Frankly, he is a bully and he will continue to treat you like this as long as you let him. The fact that you are responding to him as you are only makes things worse.
Get a lock on your bedroom door and get out of his way. I know it’s awful being in a situation like this but it’s worth trying something.
I want to thank everyone who has replied so generously and quickly to my problem. Of course I was aware that I shouldn't get angry, but hearing how you all handle this particular problem has given me the right to let him believe what he believes. He went "walkies" twice in the last week or so, not remembering where the car was, but made it home eventually. I now know NOT to let him go out on his own, but to go with him (except to the corner shop!). I have chronic back pain so can't walk or stand or sit upright for very long, and have found anxiety over my honey has worsened this. Thank heavens for family support, and for you all and your great support.
Again, thanks so much. The Book Lady.
Again, thanks so much. The Book Lady.
Hi,
I work for Alzheimer's Society in the Southampton, Winchester, Basingstoke and Hampshire areas. I’m writing to people who live in these areas who might be interested in helping to improve professional dementia health-care in the future. If you are, please do get in touch with me.
Time for Dementia is an educational and research programme that gives the consultants, doctors and nurses of the future a real, first-hand understanding of what living with dementia is like. No one else can give them this understanding, but you can. You can find out more on the ‘Time for Dementia’ web-page. It’s just a chat, a cuppa and maybe cake!
If you feel you could help, do please get in touch with me. If this programme isn't appropriate for your family, please ignore.
Thankyou.
Duncan Salkeld
Service User Involvement Officer - Hampshire
Alzheimer's Society
@AlzSocDuncan
Thanks for the message but it's just me on my little old lonesome now, learning to live as a widow.
Hope the programme gets plenty of support though. It's sorely needed.
Thanks for the message but it's just me on my little old lonesome now, learning to live as a widow.
Hope the programme gets plenty of support though. It's sorely needed.
yes im in southampton and ive been thinking about it. would like to do it but worry the time involved
It might be worth enquiring to see what is involved? If it’s too much you can always say “no thanks”
