Constant conflict

[Grannie G]

I think your post should be flown from the rooftops @lawson.

 

[fromnz123]

I anticipate. He used to put the bins out (mostly) but f I simply asked if the they had been put out, he would retaliate. It was I was just about to do it, stop picking on me, you’re always criticising me.

So now I quietly put the bins out and don’t mention it. Have done that for years. He dribbles tea over the cupboard doors, the floor, leaves his plate on the dining table and I just pick them up and put them in the dishwasher, clean up after him.

It takes two to argue so even though everything is quiet and peaceful now, I don’t do anything that might trigger a reverse of his current state of mind. It really doesn’t matter, those silly little things so I just do anything so I don’t run the risk of upsetting the apple cart.

It doesn’t matter who is right, just what happens if you insist on pursuing something that isn’t that important.

Yep, with you on this , but it’s soul destroying

 

[GillP]

I found as we all do that there is no point in arguing. I learned to cope with it all because I knew he couldn’t help it, he didn’t realise what he was doing etc etc. The thing that I struggled with was sleep deprivation. Because of his mobility problems I couldn’t go to bed until he wanted to. Sometimes it would be after a nocturnal drive to go home so maybe 2 am. Other times he wouldn’t go at all because he didn’t think it was bedtime.

On one memorable occasion we went upstairs to go to bed and I recall him apologising to me because he had to go out to meet with 5 fellas! He assured me he wouldn’t be long. I said that I’d take him. So we got to our drive and he announced he was going to walk to meet them. I went with him as it was dark, the pavements in the village are undulating and narrow and his walking is such that he would have fallen. He held on to me and when we reached the edge of the village he wanted to walk to the next one. I told him I’d take him the next day as it was very dark and I didn’t have a torch. He accepted this but by this time was exhausted and very wobbly. We walked a couple of steps then I would hold him close while he rested. I was terrified he’d fall. A five minute walk took almost twenty minutes. Once home I got him a drink and held his hand. He apologised and said it had frightened him.

Well I realised that he wanted to meet five people because that same evening Boris Johnson had said on the news that we could now do so.

If I’d stopped him he’d have gone anyway. I had my phone in case of an emergency. But this was a case of what was the right thing to do. We have to make so many difficult decisions every day.

 

[Lawson58]

T

I think your post should be flown from the rooftops @lawson.

Thank you. My dad always used to say ”Don’t pick a fight you can’t win” but it took me a lifetime to realise what he meant.

 

[Feri]

My husband has Patkinson's and has was told he has dementia 6 weeks ago. He is going down hill fast and denies he has either taken the bins out on the wrong day or left something out on
the counter that belongs in the fridge or something else odd. He then says he didn't do it and that I did it. After a while I get furious (he keeps saying "so you say"). I shouldn't get angry but he doesn't believe anything is really wrong with himself. What should I do?

Just remember dear that it is not your husband doing that and denying it. It is dementia and unfortunately is going to get worse. Sorry to say that but I am going to repeat what others said. Take it easy and never argue.

 

[JaxG]

@The Book Lady - It is a constant challenge that I am losing. Because OH has no short term memory he accuses me over and over again of the same thing ..... it is impossible to ignore, he won't let me agree, he won't let me walk away, he won't let me stay silent, I try to go into my bedroom and he tells me I'm childish, accuses me of criticising him even when I am just answering his questions. There is no escape and no obvious solution. He was used to being in control, he did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. He resents his limitations and I am the butt of his frustration. I just think some PWD are harder to deal with than others and this can be routed in how they were before the disease took hold.

 

[dillydally]

My husband has Patkinson's and has was told he has dementia 6 weeks ago. He is going down hill fast and denies he has either taken the bins out on the wrong day or left something out on
the counter that belongs in the fridge or something else odd. He then says he didn't do it and that I did it. After a while I get furious (he keeps saying "so you say"). I shouldn't get angry but he doesn't believe anything is really wrong with himself. What should I do?

My husband is exactly the same. It gets me so frustrated. I know he can't help it. He says it's always my fault. We sometimes end up shouting at each other, then I feel bad x

 

[Lawson58]

@The Book Lady - It is a constant challenge that I am losing. Because OH has no short term memory he accuses me over and over again of the same thing ..... it is impossible to ignore, he won't let me agree, he won't let me walk away, he won't let me stay silent, I try to go into my bedroom and he tells me I'm childish, accuses me of criticising him even when I am just answering his questions. There is no escape and no obvious solution. He was used to being in control, he did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. He resents his limitations and I am the butt of his frustration. I just think some PWD are harder to deal with than others and this can be routed in how they were before the disease took hold.

When my was husband was being particularly paranoid, I absolutely walked away, out of the house if I had to. I learned to tune out and a lot of the time my response was a very noncommittal OK. You can ignore it because you have to. I don’t know how independent your OH is but when things got bad, I would go out, go shopping, have lunch with my daughter and would go home only when I knew OH would be playing bridge and would leave me alone.

One night, he was trying to being really hurtful so I got into the car, drove around the block and into my neighbours driveway. I spent a couple of hours chatting and then went home.

He can not force you to speak or answer his questions and you may not have too many options but this is something you can chose or not to do. Frankly, he is a bully and he will continue to treat you like this as long as you let him. The fact that you are responding to him as you are only makes things worse.

Get a lock on your bedroom door and get out of his way. I know it’s awful being in a situation like this but it’s worth trying something.

 

[The Book Lady]

I want to thank everyone who has replied so generously and quickly to my problem. Of course I was aware that I shouldn't get angry, but hearing how you all handle this particular problem has given me the right to let him believe what he believes. He went "walkies" twice in the last week or so, not remembering where the car was, but made it home eventually. I now know NOT to let him go out on his own, but to go with him (except to the corner shop!). I have chronic back pain so can't walk or stand or sit upright for very long, and have found anxiety over my honey has worsened this. Thank heavens for family support, and for you all and your great support.
Again, thanks so much. The Book Lady.