Constant arguments with my wife

[It's Only Me !]

My elderly mum has not been diagnosed with dementia yet, but all the signs are there. She recently moved into an excellent care home because since the death of my dad 7yrs ago, she has gradually been unable to cope at home.
My wife has been supportive on a very practical level (making extra portions of food, buying underwear since mum became unwell), but she is very resentful of the amount of time spent (by me or both of us) in helping/visiting mum. Since mum moved into the care home (on a trial which I hope will become permanent), my wife has continually argued with me about how this all disrupts and impacts on our life.
My own feeling is that my mum is a priority at the moment and I should be strong and stand by my efforts and belief in getting my mum settled in her new life so that she can enjoy life in comfort with no worries.
Is this a common theme amongst married couples? If so, advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

 

[marionq]

It all depends on circumstances doesn't it? I gave up a well paid career to spend time with my husband as I could see he was struggling - I didn't think about dementia at that stage. Two years later he took on the responsibility for his handicapped sister who had in fact been quite independent of him up to that point.

We'd had a very good life and I was willing to be supportive but in fact her life became ours. Every day, every decision, every plan was about accommodating her needs, likes, wants. I helped where I could but when there was no end in sight of this set up I began to organise my own life. Separate weekends and holidays, nights at the theatre, meetings with friends. We were living a different life from everything that had gone before.

Of course I now realise that his obsession with his sisters life was a way of dealing with a loss of purpose in his own. It almost broke our marriage. Be careful.

 

[Beate]

People can become resentful if they feel one person or one issue is dominating the marriage. Quite frankly, while I can understand your desire to get your Mum settled, it is actually the experience of many here that people settle better into a care home when they are allowed to integrate without too many outside disturbances. Your visits might remind your mother of home and therefore upset her on a subconscious level. Many residents only act up with visitors, not at other times. I'm not saying your Mum does that but perhaps now is the time to take a step back and let the care home deal with her. You say it's excellent so let them take the strain now.

Your wife has been very supportive so if she has reached the end of her patience, I think it's time to listen to her. She is not being unreasonable for wanting to enjoy her home and her family life again. Please don't let your Mum come between you now. Not visiting all the time doesn't mean you love your Mum any less, but if you love your wife then consider her feelings too.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @It's Only Me !
a warm welcome to TP
it's grand that you have been so attentive to your mum's needs and have now found a suitable full time care home for her
I just wonder whether altering your penultimate sentence a little may alter the perspective a little, to make you all content:
.....getting my mum settled in her new life so that WE ALL can enjoy life in comfort with no worries.

 

[It's Only Me !]

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice. It may seem that I am being selfish in my original post, but I constantly strive to balance helping my mum and making sure that "down time" with my wife
is quality time. Some days I have been at my wits end with this balancing act and now my mum seems to be settling, I am shattered; mentally and physically.
Thank you

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello, @It's Only Me !, and welcome to Talking Point. I'm sorry to hear about your mother and that you have needed to find your way here. TP has been a lifesaver for me and I do hope you will find it helpful and supportive.

I too have a mother in a care home. She moved there three years ago, after several years of medical and other problems. I know now, of course, that the main problem was the dementia.

So I know what it's like to support a parent, get them moved into a care home, clear and sell their home, manage their finances, and do all the other things that are necessary. It takes a huge amount of time, energy, and effort. I would never have managed without my husband's support.

Dementia has taken over most of my life for at least the past five or six years. I hate that and am resentful. I have asked OH a number of times if he is okay with helping with my mother, okay with the time I am spending on things, and so on. So far, it seems all right, but it's always a small worry in the back of my head, that this may be damaging my marriage.

I wonder if it would be possible for you to listen with an open mind to what your wife has to say, and have a frank and objective conversation about her concerns and wishes. Dealing with your mother is no doubt emotional, as well as tiring, and perhaps communication between you and your wife hasn't been clear all the time.

As to how I have dealt with dementia intruding on my marriage, first, I have consciously sought out support from people other than my husband, because I didn't want to only ever talk about dementia and my mother, to him. I have found online support here on TP. I also have a local support group I can attend weekly. My local Alzheimer's Society chapter has workshops, lectures, and programs I can attend, which have been very helpful. If I do any reading or research about dementia I do it on my own time, not the (limited) downtime that OH and I have together. I also have seen a therapist.

It is hard because OH is one of only two people with whom I can be completely open and honest about my mother, but I don't want my marriage to only be all about dementia (it often feels that this is true of my life in general).

I am not sure, in re-reading my post, that I have managed to say much that is helpful or practical, and I'm sorry.

Perhaps if you are comfortable sharing, you could be more specific about what objections your wife has and how those conflict with the responsibility you feel towards your mother, so that we could offer advice? But of course there is no obligation to discuss this if it's too personal, or you would rather not.

Very best wishes.

 

[It's Only Me !]

Amy. Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I will think on your kind words and respond soon
Take care

 

[It's Only Me !]

Hello Amy and anyone else
The consensus of opinion seems to be that I should be careful not to let my mum's situation come between my wife and me. The problem is, that all my life I have been swayed by what other people tell me and I have always found it difficult to make decisions. Now my mum is is the position she is in, I NEED to stand up and make decisions regarding my mum's welfare and this is often going against the grain with my wife. As I said previously, I try extremely hard to balance time between what is needed for my mum at the moment and having down time at home. In short, the conflict with my wife, is causing me more stress than helping my mum. Perhaps I am being very selfish, but I am struggling with juggling the practical things like sorting out Lasting Power of Attorney, and the emotional things like seeing my mum in a care home; suddenly an old lady and the guilt I feel of not doing enough to help my mum since my dad died 7years ago.

 

[canary]

When someone first goes into a care home there seems to be no end of things that need sorting. Please be aware that you dont have to be at the care home all the time, though (if you are)
However, many people use a care home for temporary respite while they go on holiday. Could you do the same thing? Book a holiday, so that your wife knows that there will be a break, you can recover from being so shattered and you know that your mum will be well looked after.

 

[Lawson58]

Hello Amy and anyone else
The consensus of opinion seems to be that I should be careful not to let my mum's situation come between my wife and me. The problem is, that all my life I have been swayed by what other people tell me and I have always found it difficult to make decisions. Now my mum is is the position she is in, I NEED to stand up and make decisions regarding my mum's welfare and this is often going against the grain with my wife. As I said previously, I try extremely hard to balance time between what is needed for my mum at the moment and having down time at home. In short, the conflict with my wife, is causing me more stress than helping my mum. Perhaps I am being very selfish, but I am struggling with juggling the practical things like sorting out Lasting Power of Attorney, and the emotional things like seeing my mum in a care home; suddenly an old lady and the guilt I feel of not doing enough to help my mum since my dad died 7years ago.

I have very dear friends who have been happily married for over forty years. His mother at the age of 93 was diagnosed with AD and as they lived some distance away from her, thought it best if she moved in with them for a while in anticipation of her eventually going into a care home.

The disruption that MIL's presence is causing to the marriage is dreadful. They are both usually easy to get along with sort of people but not only is the wife is not coping with the MIL's behaviour but she finds her husband's attitude and preoccupation with his mother quite intolerable..

He thinks his wife is overreacting but forgets that it is his mother and not hers and as he is being a bit reluctant to come to a decision about his mother that she is getting very frustrated. MIL's presence impacts on her life and interferes with time she wants to spend with her grandchildren.

I don't think any of us here think that you are being selfish in trying to the best for your mother. I do think that your wife desperately needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel and to feel that she is just as important to you as your mother.

This is a very difficult situation and I believe that the guilt you are feeling is having quite an effect on your state of mind. It can be very confronting to make the decisions that you are facing and I think you could benefit from getting some counselling and perhaps a visit to your GP to get some help in dealing with your stress might be a good idea too.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Is there anyone else in your family who could be involved? I hope you can get everything sorted soon.

 

[It's Only Me !]

I have very dear friends who have been happily married for over forty years. His mother at the age of 93 was diagnosed with AD and as they lived some distance away from her, thought it best if she moved in with them for a while in anticipation of her eventually going into a care home.

The disruption that MIL's presence is causing to the marriage is dreadful. They are both usually easy to get along with sort of people but not only is the wife is not coping with the MIL's behaviour but she finds her husband's attitude and preoccupation with his mother quite intolerable..

He thinks his wife is overreacting but forgets that it is his mother and not hers and as he is being a bit reluctant to come to a decision about his mother that she is getting very frustrated. MIL's presence impacts on her life and interferes with time she wants to spend with her grandchildren.

I don't think any of us here think that you are being selfish in trying to the best for your mother. I do think that your wife desperately needs to see a light at the end of the tunnel and to feel that she is just as important to you as your mother.

This is a very difficult situation and I believe that the guilt you are feeling is having quite an effect on your state of mind. It can be very confronting to make the decisions that you are facing and I think you could benefit from getting some counselling and perhaps a visit to your GP to get some help in dealing with your stress might be a good idea too.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Is there anyone else in your family who could be involved? I hope you can get everything sorted soon.

 

[It's Only Me !]

Hello to anyone out there
Next week, my mum's "trial period" at the care home ends and I am hoping she stays, because it is so good for her. She looks so much better hysically and mentally, she is much more worry free. (Her propensity to worry about things, will always be there, but there is now so much less to worry about).
My mum has already indicated that she will stay at the care home.
As for my state of mind (as the concerns of Lawson 58 very kindly pointed out), I am very thankful for the anti depressant that keeps me on an even keel whenever a crisis arises . I have had counselling in the past and found it very useful. To be honest, I find this forum very helpful as an opportunity to voice my hopes and fears for my mum and just talk to people on here.
You may have noticed, I haven't mentioned the conflict with my wife. I have found that if I keep my anger under control and concentrate on what needs to be done, there is much less conflict. But at the same time, I feel it's right to stand by my convictions and try to make the decisions for my mum that are in her best interes : and stand by those decisions once I have made them.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this

 

[canary]

It sounds like this trial period is being very positive. My mum was so much better when she went into a care home too.
If your mum is happy to stay there, just go for it.

 

[It's Only Me !]

It sounds like this trial period is being very positive. My mum was so much better when she went into a care home too.
If your mum is happy to stay there, just go for it.

Thank you. I will do
What would we do without these fabulous care homes and the caring staff who keep our loved ones safe

 

[Shedrech]

I second that @It's Only Me !
I'm glad your mum is benefitting from her stay in her care home - I'm so glad my dad is well looked after, especially in the current weather conditions - my heart and thanks go out to the carers who make it into work and get to people's homes regardless of the snow
and it's good to read that your own home life is more settled

 

[It's Only Me !]

Hiya all
Visited mum yesterday. She was fine when we arrived.....but something sparked something in her and she became upset. Mainly feeling sad that she was in the situation she was in; ie having been independent all her life and sorting out her life etc (all the things that the members of this forum are probably very aware of and have experienced with their family), but now she was having to be looked after.
This of course was very upsetting as my first thought was that mum blamed me for her being there and did I make the right decision?
A few hours later, being able to think about it, the "blip" in mum's mood, is something that happened now and then when she was at home, so I think it is always going to happen now and then, but in the care home, she is safe, healthier, worry free, so I DID make the right decision.
Thank you