Confusion

[Francisco]

It's 4.30 in the morning. We're in bed, I’m dozing and she suddenly says, “Who are you?”

I explain who I am. “Do you live here?” she asks. “Yes, we’ve lived here for many years”. “Where are we?” I explain where we are, describe the house, the location, the way we made the garden which she loves. “Is anyone else here?” “No, just us two, it's our house, we own it, and only we two live here”.

“I’m a bit confused, I think my brain’s going”. “No it’s not, you've always been a bit absent-minded....I think you’ve been dreaming and the dreams have got a bit mixed up with reality”. (She is reassured, this explanation makes some kind of sense to her).“Have I been married to anyone else?” “No, just me!, you are the love of my life” (an expression I know she likes). I follow up by quoting poetry I’ve written to her – “You are my ever-unfolding dream that comes true every day, what a joy!” And “I love you Always and All Ways!” This strikes a chord, she begins to relax and relocate her bearings. All is relatively well and we manage to get back to sleep for a couple of hours.

 

[Grannie G]

Well done @Francisco. You deserve a big pat on the back.

I experienced this scenario many times and found it very difficult indeed to distract.

 

[Francisco]

Well done @Francisco. You deserve a big pat on the back.

I experienced this scenario many times and found it very difficult indeed to distract.

The idea of a "pat on the back" is welcome, thanks very much!
A bit of background: my wife has had undiagnosed steadily progressing dementia for several years and is in complete denial, gives the GP a wide berth and claims to be 'full of cold, with a mild headache'. Since September, she spends much of the day in bed, never gets out of her dressing gown and has not washed her hair. She looks well and fit - we were skiing every year up to 2018. She is being well looked after and is quite happy with this arrangement - what she requires is for me to look after her and reassure her that her brain isn't "going", and not to see a doctor who she fears might tell her something she doesn't want to know. Given her personality, being confronted with medical realities would be devastating for her and would probably accelerate decline.... As things stand, I find it tough but manageable.
The current issue is connected with the covid vaccine: I took the call for her appointment next weekend and took the opportunity to brief the GP - having not seen my wife for years, she suggested a visit to see her tomorrow. I agreed to this but my wife has not reacted well, insisting that she is just full of cold - I'm sure she is apprehensive because of her private concern at what the doctor might say. On the one hand, seeing a doctor would put them in the picture and perhaps help me to help her. On the other hand, it could be destabilising, exacerbating problems rather than helping - I wonder if it should be a case of letting sleeping dogs lie...?

 

[DreamsAreReal]

It’s tricky isn’t it? You know your wife best. There may come a time when you and your Wife need outside help - whether that’s now or some time in the future only you can decide. Is your GP one of the helpful ones? If she’s very tactful she might not need to say anything scary to your wife. Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Sarasa]

I hope the visit to the doctor's goes well @Francisco. It sounds like it would be a good idea for the GP to be aware. What I did when I was in a similar situation with my mother was piggy back an appointment mum already had and slip the GP a note explaining my concerns. That way you don't have to explain anything in front of your wife. Hopefully the GP will be tactful and any preliminary testing will not be obvious.

 

[Francisco]

It’s tricky isn’t it? You know your wife best. There may come a time when you and your Wife need outside help - whether that’s now or some time in the future only you can decide. Is your GP one of the helpful ones? If she’s very tactful she might not need to say anything scary to your wife. Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck!

It is tricky! The GP has been briefed, so I'm hopeful she'll be one of the helpful ones.... Many thanks

 

[Francisco]

I hope the visit to the doctor's goes well @Francisco. It sounds like it would be a good idea for the GP to be aware. What I did when I was in a similar situation with my mother was piggy back an appointment mum already had and slip the GP a note explaining my concerns. That why you don't have to explain anything in front of your wife. Hopefully the GP will be tactful and any preliminary testing will not be obvious.

Thanks Sarasa - I'm counting on a tactful GP!

 

[Chris M.]

It's 4.30 in the morning. We're in bed, I’m dozing and she suddenly says, “Who are you?”

I explain who I am. “Do you live here?” she asks. “Yes, we’ve lived here for many years”. “Where are we?” I explain where we are, describe the house, the location, the way we made the garden which she loves. “Is anyone else here?” “No, just us two, it's our house, we own it, and only we two live here”.

“I’m a bit confused, I think my brain’s going”. “No it’s not, you've always been a bit absent-minded....I think you’ve been dreaming and the dreams have got a bit mixed up with reality”. (She is reassured, this explanation makes some kind of sense to her).“Have I been married to anyone else?” “No, just me!, you are the love of my life” (an expression I know she likes). I follow up by quoting poetry I’ve written to her – “You are my ever-unfolding dream that comes true every day, what a joy!” And “I love you Always and All Ways!” This strikes a chord, she begins to relax and relocate her bearings. All is relatively well and we manage to get back to sleep for a couple of hours.

Recognise it all so vividly from my beloved wife who is right at the beginning but luckily as yet, I get it in the day and not the night so far.
I think your response is marvellous by the way

 

[Francisco]

Recognise it all so vividly from my beloved wife who is right at the beginning but luckily as yet, I get it in the day and not the night so far.
I think your response is marvellous by the way

Thank you Chris M. I suspect your beloved wife is in good hands....

 

[Francisco]

Thanks Sarasa - I'm counting on a tactful GP!

Spoke to our GP in January about a vaccine appointment - she suggested a visit to see my wife (having been briefed by me and not having seen my wife for years). I was initially relieved and pleased with this development, imagining it would be better for her to be 'in the system'.
On the day, the GP phoned to cancel, citing staff sickness and 'chaos' at the GP practice and then explained that she had hoped to refer my wife for psychological assessment and tests. My immediate disappointment at her no-show was quickly replaced with relief that my wife was not to be subjected to what would be for her damaging, intrusive, counter-productive 'assessment'.
For now, we carry on and each of us has a better than tolerable quality of life.

 

[JC51]

It's 4.30 in the morning. We're in bed, I’m dozing and she suddenly says, “Who are you?”

I explain who I am. “Do you live here?” she asks. “Yes, we’ve lived here for many years”. “Where are we?” I explain where we are, describe the house, the location, the way we made the garden which she loves. “Is anyone else here?” “No, just us two, it's our house, we own it, and only we two live here”.
“I’m a bit confused, I think my brain’s going”. “No it’s not, you've always been a bit absent-minded....I think you’ve been dreaming and the dreams have got a bit mixed up with reality”. (She is reassured, this explanation makes some kind of sense to her).“Have I been married to anyone else?” “No, just me!, you are the love of my life” (an expression I know she likes). I follow up by quoting poetry I’ve written to her – “You are my ever-unfolding dream that comes true every day, what a joy!” And “I love you Always and All Ways!” This strikes a chord, she begins to relax and relocate her bearings. All is relatively well and we manage to get back to sleep for a couple of hours.

 

[JC51]

Word for word what I get, almost every day.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Francisco Dads doctor was wonderful and just went with the flow so dad never really had a clue that he was being tested.

You have a wonderful attitude towards your loved one and I did the same with dad. 'Where am I' he would say 'In your house dad' I would say, describing it, and he would say 'if you say so then it must be right'

 

[blackmortimer]

Thanks Sarasa - I'm counting on a tactful GP!

I really think you should persevere with getting a diagnosis. I made the mistake of going along with my wife's excuses for procrastination for far too long. I agree there is a need for tact, not to say subterfuge, but until you get a GP preliminary diagnosis you can't move on to all the various forms of help that are out there or indeed the medication which may or may not help but is worth trying (don't expect the first attempt to be successful). And it would help you I think to have it officially confirmed. I spent far too long trying to persuade myself that my wife suffered from delirium caused by an infection such as UTI and plying her with antibiotics. All it did was to put off the day when I had to get the GP to come and see her - mainly at the insistence of our children who were worried about me..

So I think you're on the right track. Hold your nerve and you'll be fine. God bless.

 

[Francisco]

@Francisco Dads doctor was wonderful and just went with the flow so dad never really had a clue that he was being tested.

You have a wonderful attitude towards your loved one and I did the same with dad. 'Where am I' he would say 'In your house dad' I would say, describing it, and he would say 'if you say so then it must be right'

"If you say so then if must be right" - this shows a high level of trust and reliance, just what I strive for, thereby allowing many of the confusions and delusions to be managed calmly and without distress.

 

[Banjomansmate]

I got “Well, if you say so,” however it was more than obvious I wasn’t believed!

 

[Francisco]

I really think you should persevere with getting a diagnosis. I made the mistake of going along with my wife's excuses for procrastination for far too long. I agree there is a need for tact, not to say subterfuge, but until you get a GP preliminary diagnosis you can't move on to all the various forms of help that are out there or indeed the medication which may or may not help but is worth trying (don't expect the first attempt to be successful). And it would help you I think to have it officially confirmed. I spent far too long trying to persuade myself that my wife suffered from delirium caused by an infection such as UTI and plying her with antibiotics. All it did was to put off the day when I had to get the GP to come and see her - mainly at the insistence of our children who were worried about me..

So I think you're on the right track. Hold your nerve and you'll be fine. God bless.

You're right that I should persevere but I always come back to "on the other hand..." One area in which I left it too late is Power of Attorney (Health). As it is, the GP is aware of my concerns and my wife has enough insight into her condition (I think) to prefer to be looked after by me than to be managed by health professionals. As long as I can manage to keep her smiling and free from depression, I'll not make major efforts to escalate to professional support. I also recognise that my health is important....

 

[Francisco]

I got “Well, if you say so,” however it was more than obvious I wasn’t believed!

A cynical "Well if you say so" I suppose is lot better than angry rebuttal !

 

[blackmortimer]

You're right that I should persevere but I always come back to "on the other hand..." One area in which I left it too late is Power of Attorney (Health). As it is, the GP is aware of my concerns and my wife has enough insight into her condition (I think) to prefer to be looked after by me than to be managed by health professionals. As long as I can manage to keep her smiling and free from depression, I'll not make major efforts to escalate to professional support. I also recognise that my health is important....

I understand perfectly @Francisco . I was in that position at one time and know how much you want to avoid getting into the whole medical merry-go-round. Would you forgive if I made a suggestion?

Given that your wife seems to be sufficiently competent to realise that she would prefer to be at home and cared for by you, could you perhaps talk to her along the lines of getting a PA(Health) drawn or perhaps in more general terms (e.g. you need to have some legal standing in case she became really ill ) and see what her response is?

If she seemed amenable to, or at least not wholly against, the idea then you perhaps talk to a local solicitor who specialises in this type of work, explain your position and see if as a preliminary they would be prepared to talk to your wife about it possibly at home.

If I've spoken out of turn please forgive and tell me to butt out - I shan't be offended!!

God bless

 

[Francisco]

I understand perfectly @Francisco . I was in that position at one time and know how much you want to avoid getting into the whole medical merry-go-round. Would you forgive if I made a suggestion?

Given that your wife seems to be sufficiently competent to realise that she would prefer to be at home and cared for by you, could you perhaps talk to her along the lines of getting a PA(Health) drawn or perhaps in more general terms (e.g. you need to have some legal standing in case she became really ill ) and see what her response is?

If she seemed amenable to, or at least not wholly against, the idea then you perhaps talk to a local solicitor who specialises in this type of work, explain your position and see if as a preliminary they would be prepared to talk to your wife about it possibly at home.

If I've spoken out of turn please forgive and tell me to butt out - I shan't be offended!!

God bless

I really appreciate your obvious wish to be helpful - many thanks!
I have at various points been advised to go for PA (Health) but when my wife was more rational, it would have been a very hard sell for many reasons. Now that her mental faculties have really deteriorated, she is not capable of agreeing to this, even though she trusts me!
Maybe I'm being naive but I can't imagine coming into serious disagreement with nhs/social services about my wife's treatment.