Thank you for your feedback. You have perfectly worded the distress I feel. I would normally be calling mum up to get advice but no longer can. We witnessed my father's physical decline with Parkinson's until his peaceful death two years ago. Through it all he somehow remained 'dad'. This feels very different. I am loose a significant part of my relationship with my mum who has been my anchor and my confident, while she is still alive. How did you work through it?
Hello Natpat,
My mum has always been an important part of my life, after getting married, my husband and I lived around the corner from my parents,who were very involved when our children were born, we all got along and were a close knit family and remained close even after job moves put a distance of 150 miles between us. Mum and I had (and still have, albeit in a different way) a close connection; I am my mother's daughter!
Dad passed away a couple of years ago and if I'm honest, there were signs of mums mental decline before dad died, but they were a strong unit ; dad had poor physical health but his mind was as sharp as a tack and he managed the finances, whereas mum was physically fit and capable of running the home but with an increasingly poor memory, but together they coped and I think, because to all intents and purposes they seemed to be managing, I could pretend that mum was still mum and dad was still dad, I didn't look past their frailties.
After dad had died, it quickly became very obvious how vulnerable mum was. Mum was aware that she wasn't coping very well and was worried that my sister would put her into a care home (my sister threatened mum frequently that if she couldn't keep her standards up, she would be put into a CH, never mind that mum had just lost her husband of over 60 years and was grieving).
Mum was frightened living by herself and was totally isolated from neighbours and friends and what began as a short stay with us ended with mum not going home and living with us permanently.
Between my dad passing and how we are today there has been an awful lot of upset caused by my sister and her family, and they put us through the worst of times.
Out of necessity my husband and I became protectors to shield mum from the brutal events that took place, and it was at that point I grew up and realised (at the grand old age of 60+) I had become, and had to act and think like, an adult.
On the 'professional' side of things, there are three of us who have attorneyship to act on behalf of mum for finance and health. Mum still has full mental capacity, but doesn't want to think about money, she is content and happy to be with us and live her life with us.
On the personal side of our relationship, we are still mother and daughter, as you will still be.
You asked how I worked through it.
I would say take over the responsibility of organising your mum's finances, paying the bills etc, so that is a worry off her mind. My mum was the youngest child in a large family and she has never known life without lots of brother's and sister's, family and friends, so realistically, she was never going to be able to live on her own at the age of 86, and that was another part of the problem that was solved when she came to us.
Now that the worries have gone, the essential parts of my mum have re-emerged. She no longer repeats and repeats, her sense of humour and patience has come back and the best thing of all, she gives me advice.
I can't and won't confide in her the way I once did, she is losing the knowledge of how relationships and the world works and I recognise and have taken on fully the role of being Grown Up, but if OH and I have fallen out, for instance, I may say to mum I am 'off' OH and she will tell me to give it time and things will work themselves out.
So my advice to you comes from my mum, give it time and things will work themselves out.
It's frightening for you to think that your mum isn't behaving like your mum, but she really needs you and you can't run away from it, no matter how much you want to pretend it's not happening (like I did).
With you at her back, supporting and guiding her towards her life as it will be from now on, I know that you will feel a sense of achievement and pride that she can continue to live the rest of her life with dignity, and that, my dear Natpat, will make you a Grown Up too!
With love
Di