Confused

[Kath TN]

Dad has being coping at home less and less over the last few months and during discussions he expressed that he would like to go into a rest home. I suggested that he should try it for a short time to see if he would settle. Initially he was ready to give a month's notice on his sheltered accommodation but I asked him to try the home for one month to see if he liked it before giving his notice - eventually he agreed to this.

He went to the home last Saturday and we paid one month's fees in advance (at dad's insistence to 'save my place!). On the day he went there he seemed really at peace and looking forward to going and never returning to his sheltered accommodation, he'd said a fond farewell to his carers and neighbours and was really happy to go. The home is lovely, the staff are excellent, he loves the food and his nice room and he's already made a friend with one of the other male residents. He's been out a couple of times during the day and had his hair cut at the on site hairdressing salon and the visiting chiropodist is seeing him next week.

Before dad went into the home my sister and I would receive endless number of telephone calls day and night - coming home from a day at work I would expect at least half a dozen messages on my answerphone - even though he would have phoned my mobile at least a dozen times during the day. In the last week he has only phoned me twice and no phone calls to my sister. How well he has settled in!!!

Here's the crux - my three brothers and my sister have visited him at least once each this last week and although he has complained slightly about the Rest Home overall he has been quite happy - when I have visited - every other day this week as opposed to every day at least once when he was at home - I have had nothing but complaints about the home, accusations of abonding him, all sorts of rambling stories about the other residents and staff at the home, accusations of stealing his money, being in partnership with the home's owners to get at his money etc.!!

Does anybody know what I've done wrong - it's breaking my heart

 

[jenniferpa]

I'm will to bet that you have been his closest i.e. primary carer. This seems pretty common - those that have been the one who stepped up to the plate is also the one who gets all the blame. So no, you haven't done anything wrong - you're just the designated target. I don't know that there's a lot you can do about it. Perhaps, in certain circumstances, it might be possible to take it as a compliment, in the sense that you're the one who is the most trusted and relied upon, so you're the one who he feels most comfortable expressing whatever is the specific dislike of the moment.

Jennifer

 

[Grannie G]

Kath, Stay with it. Your dad wanted to be looked after, and released from the responsibilities of looking after himself, he`s just having a little panic about his decision.

He has probably become a little confused with a different environment, and doesn`t yet feel `at home`. Initially, he liked it there, but it probably feels unfamiliar, now the euphoria has worn off. He hasn`t been there 1 week yet, it`s far to soon to tell.

If you are happy with the home, try to make light of his complaints. Give him a chance to settle before you make any decisions.

When my mother went into a home, she too loved it at first. When the novelty wore off, she found everything to complain about. I`m afraid I chivvied her along, saying I`d make arrangements for her to move, until she eventually settled. It was heartbreaking, but I knew the home was fine and I also knew she was at risk, living by herself.

You have done nothing wrong. You have done the right thing. Your dad asked to go into a home and you did what he asked.

Keep your chin up. I hope he`ll settle soon. It`s very hard for you. Sylvia

 

[Cate]

Hi Kath

I think Jennifer hit the nail on the head. I'm in the self same position as you, mum moved into the NH on the 25 September. Her telephone bill the previous 1/4 showed she had phoned me more than 480 times days and nights. It was eventually at her request that she moved to the NH. When ever anybody else of the family visit, all is well. When I visit, the story goes I drew up outside the NH tossed her and bags out of the car, and went off with dust flying out behind me!! She wants to go home, (but thinks home as a house she had 50 years ago) etc. etc. Nobody in the home talkes to her, she doesnt sleep, the staff just 'poke about in her room looking to steal stuff' etc. etc.

It got sooo bad that the NH staff suggested I stay away for a while, which I did. I phoned the home on a regular basis, she has been out on trips, gained weight, has her hair done every week, dresses, etc. etc. none of which she was doing when she lived in her own place. She has made a special friend, they do everything together and spend most days talking each others ears off.

As Jennifer rightly said, you are number one target, try not to take is personally. I know from personal experience this isn't easy. I'm usually in bits in the car crying my eyes out after a visit, mum on the other hand has forgotten all about my visit and any upset in no time at all. Just the nature of the beast with this awful illness.

Hang on in there, I think given time all will settle for both of us. Just take a deep breath outside the NH door, and grit your teeth. Your dad loves you to bits, that's why he knows its OK to lay it all on you, cos he knows you love him to bits too.
Chin up
Love
Cate

 

[Kath TN]

Thank you so much - you all make so much sense!