confused, sad and angry about mum

[elina]

Hi I am new to the forum. I think my mum has alzheimers. She has had a memory problem for about 2 years maybe a bit more. She had a test done about a year ago, which my dad had to arrange behind her back. She was given some medicine but does not take it anymore. One of the biggest problems is that she won't admit she has a problem.
If anyone tries to talk to her about it she becomes very angry.

I don't live in the same country as my mum so it is difficult trying to help. My dad is old and physically not very able so it is difficult for him.

In the last month my mum has also become very suspicious and agressive.
She is so angry with my dad and thinks that he is plotting something ( he is not)
She saw an email I sent to my dad saying that ;mum needs to see a doctor about her memory' and is now also angry with me.
The thing is one minute she would phone or email me saying she does not want me and my family to visit she feels threatend by me etc etc. Later she would phone or email saying how much she is looking forward to seeing me and kids and sometimes I would get some random message that does not make sence.
Like she would talk about something that happend a long time ago as if it just happend.
I am so hurt by the mean things she says to me. And then when she has forgotten that she said something mean and is nice I feel sad cause she doesn't remember. I find it so hard to understand that my mum is being this way.

Her doctor is meant to phone me tomorrow but I am just worried how they will deal with things if she needs more help since she doesn't want to admit there is anything wrong.

If anyone has experienced something similar maybe it would help to hear your story.

Thanks

 

[SWMBO1950]

Hello Elina and welcome

I can understand how worried you are for your father having to cope with your mother who seems to be in denial but that is not unusual and neither is her erratic behaviour.

As hard as it may be try and ignore any nasty comments your mother makes understand it is the illness and not her. It took me a long while to get to grips with this concept and there is one particular snide comment I overheard her saying to my sister that hurts to this day.

I hope the GP will be able to offer you some help as it sounds as if an urgent referral is needed not to mention some practical help.

Does your mother receive Attendance Allowance? If not apply on her behalf as the money does help with caring and other things.

Please let us know how you get on. Best Wishes

Hi I am new to the forum. I think my mum has alzheimers. She has had a memory problem for about 2 years maybe a bit more. She had a test done about a year ago, which my dad had to arrange behind her back. She was given some medicine but does not take it anymore. One of the biggest problems is that she won't admit she has a problem.
If anyone tries to talk to her about it she becomes very angry.

I don't live in the same country as my mum so it is difficult trying to help. My dad is old and physically not very able so it is difficult for him.

In the last month my mum has also become very suspicious and agressive.
She is so angry with my dad and thinks that he is plotting something ( he is not)
She saw an email I sent to my dad saying that ;mum needs to see a doctor about her memory' and is now also angry with me.
The thing is one minute she would phone or email me saying she does not want me and my family to visit she feels threatend by me etc etc. Later she would phone or email saying how much she is looking forward to seeing me and kids and sometimes I would get some random message that does not make sence.
Like she would talk about something that happend a long time ago as if it just happend.
I am so hurt by the mean things she says to me. And then when she has forgotten that she said something mean and is nice I feel sad cause she doesn't remember. I find it so hard to understand that my mum is being this way.

Her doctor is meant to phone me tomorrow but I am just worried how they will deal with things if she needs more help since she doesn't want to admit there is anything wrong.

If anyone has experienced something similar maybe it would help to hear your story.

Thanks

 

[odyssey]

Support for parents

Been there very recently. Awful situation to be in. My dad deteriorated very suddenly after 10 year diagnosis of memory loss/mild dementia. He moved on to the moderate stage - with almost identical symptoms to your mum quite literally overnight.

Speak to your family GP urgently (appreciate geographical difficulties). S/he will be able to exclude physical illness e.g.urinary tract infection / dehydration / thyroid which may have made the confusion worse. Then refer on for assessment by specialist doctor from MHSOP if appropriate.

I didn't act quickly enough and the deterioration manifested itself in violence. He physically attacked and injured my mum. Acute crisis resulted in his arrest and detention in a cell for 12 hours whilst awaiting medical assessment. After 50 years of marriage he would have been mortified by such behaviour if he understood what was going on.

I wish you well and hope you manage to get some help.

 

[alicejude]

Hi Elina,

It must be so hard for you living in another country and knowing your mum needs help.

We knew something was wrong with mum when she thought dad and her next door neighbours were plotting to kill her, she would stand next to the wall in her room saying "listen listen, can you hear them, they want to kill me!" She would accuse dad of having an affair with a young girl that was taking her children to school, she was 21 dad was 82.

I decided to go to see her GP to speak of my fears, he refered her to a see a speciallist consultant to have a memory test, she failed, then she was sent for a brain scan, and there was definate shrinkage to her brain, worst fears comfirmed!

She was diagnosed in October 2008 but had had the symptons for 3-4 years previous (we just didn't see it). In December of the same year she was out of control, smashing the house up, physically and mentally abusing dad, and the words that came out of her mouth was undescribable, mum never swore in her life. They would have been married for 58 years this July, but sadly mum passed away in January this year.

I hope you can get all the help you can, like Odyssey said, it can happen overnight.

Thinking of you at this difficult time.

Alicejude xx

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Elina,

Sorry to read that you think your mum has dementia and the problems your dad is having too. Paranoia is often one of the things that develops with someone with dementia and isn't helped when the person concerned is in denial that there is anything wrong with them. What you often find is that fear of what might be wrong stops them admitting there is a problem and hence them seeking medical help. In this scenario it is great that either you or your dad can persuade her to attend appointments, but if you can't do this, you will find that the dementia is managed by a series of crisis interventions. Unfortunately this is how things often develop and was certainly the case with my mother. Rather than getting things sorted once and for all, the professionals only got involved when something major happened. At the end of the day, it is your mum's choice as long as she has the capacity to make such choices, to decide whether to seek help or not.

So, if you find you're having to go down the other route of crisis management, one thing that would be very useful for you and your dad to do is to keep a diary. Make a note of the various things that happen, including outbursts of anger or aggression etc. Also make a note of what time of day they happened, how long they lasted, and what triggered them (if there was a trigger). Your emails will be a good example of these things too. The diary is useful to the medical people as it gives them an insight as to what challenges your mum is having at that time and it also allows them to plot the disease too and see areas where there has been marked deterioration over a period of time. It is a great tool which can be effective when the person in question is not being cooperative and is in denial etc.

As to your dad, you should tell him that he doesn't need to tolerate the aggression and if he feels it is out of control then he should call an ambulance or the police. This might sound extreme, but in terms of getting your mum the attentioon she needs, it is actually a good thing as the emergency services have to compile a report about her condition at the time and this will be sent to her GP and Social Services. So, please tell your dad that this is what he should be doing if he feels that things are out of control. You say she is aggressive but you don't say whether she resorts to physical violence or not. If there is a chance that she does then you should ensure that there is a place of safety in the house that your dad can retreat to - somewhere with a lock on the door and ideally with a telephone point in it, so that he can call out for help. Another phone number that he should have to hand is that of the duty social worker in his local authority. They will also come out if things are too much for him and his wife is being aggressive.

You might also find this link helpful as it talks about communication with someone with memory problems and also explains things from their perspective too. Maybe you could share it with your dad as it might help him to deal with your mum when she is having a bad day. http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired.

Hope this helps and good luck with getting help for you mum and dad.

Fiona

 

[elina]

spoke to Doctor, feel a bit frustrated

First of all thanks for replying to my 'thread'. It really does help to hear from people who are or have been in a similar situation.

I spoke to my mum's doctor today. He said they can't make anyone do a test if they don't want to. Anyway in the end he said he would speak to my mum's diabetes nurse and ask her to call my mum in for a check up for the diabetes and at the same time do bloodtest to check for dementia etc. He said your mum has to agree to do the memory test and he said he will see if the nurse can persuade her.

He said it doesn't have to be alzheimers. It could be vitamin B deficiency, depression etc.

If my mum agrees to do the test then brilliant but I can't help but worry what will happen if she doesn't? Then is there nothing we can do?
Also he couldn't tell me exactely when they would get her in for the check up could maybe be a month or so. He said he will ask the nurse to phone me once she has made the appointment.

Elina

 

[kandeg]

Me too!

Elina, and others,

Thanks for your posts. I'm going through a similar thing with my mum. She's widowed, and lives just around the corner from me. She refuses to accept that there's anything wrong, and won't see a doctor.

I'm convinced she's got some form of dementia, although depression/anxiety may also be involved.

It's getting worse, and although I can cope with her memory problems, I find the personality change and associated aggression and irritation so difficult. It's almost impossible not to take it personally.

I phoned and spoke to her doctor, who was as much use as a chocolate teapot, but it's helpful to read Fiona's comment that no-one can force her to go/take memory tests etc unless she wants to. Perhaps we shouldn't be wasting so much time trying to persuade her, and let things take their course a bit....

It's a horrible thing, watching someone you love deteriorating to the point that you no longer recognise them - let alone the other way around!