Confrontation? Advice please as to what to do

[dalmation lady]

For months now I have been on the receiving end of my father's foul mouthed rants and accusations.
As most of his allegations regarding stealing from him, talking about him to other people etc etc are in the form of emails sent to me my question is this. Is it worth or would it be of any benefit to actually show him the emails sent from him?
He has dementia and Alzheimer's and at present everyone in the family are feeling like we are walking on egg shells trying to avoid any conflict, but as you can imagine the strain is getting to everyone.
It only takes one wrong word to send him ranting at everyone and then taking to his bed for a day refusing to speak to anyone. Part of me thinks he will have no knowledge of sending such hurtful emails, but on the other hand if any part of him does know what he has done then it needs to be addressed.
He seems to be capable of snapping out of these moods to suit himself. It has been known for him to snap out of a major showdown where has taken to his bed, if anyone comes to visit, act perfectly normally then carry on where he left off when the visitor has gone ie back to bed and refusing to speak
Any comments anyone has would be very welcome

 

[sistermillicent]

What you post is familiar to me though mum didn't email, she argued in person. I remember feeling as if our entire house was ruled by dementia and there was no normal anywhere. Walking on eggshells is where we were too. Mum would also snap back into charming mode for most people who were not family then start up on us again when they left.

Whatever is going on i don't think you can change it by trying to convince your father that he is being unreasonable. Showing him evidence of what he has done is more likely to convince him that you are conspiring against him, but I entirely understand your need to do this.

But none of us can say with this illness that if you do "x" then "y" will happen.

I wish i could advise you how to cope with it, we only recovered a little when mum got to the point of needing antipsychotic medication which had to be given covertly, and that stopped it but this does not suit everyone.

 

[anne-marie]

For months now I have been on the receiving end of my father's foul mouthed rants and accusations.
As most of his allegations regarding stealing from him, talking about him to other people etc etc are in the form of emails sent to me my question is this. Is it worth or would it be of any benefit to actually show him the emails sent from him?
He has dementia and Alzheimer's and at present everyone in the family are feeling like we are walking on egg shells trying to avoid any conflict, but as you can imagine the strain is getting to everyone.
It only takes one wrong word to send him ranting at everyone and then taking to his bed for a day refusing to speak to anyone. Part of me thinks he will have no knowledge of sending such hurtful emails, but on the other hand if any part of him does know what he has done then it needs to be addressed.
He seems to be capable of snapping out of these moods to suit himself. It has been known for him to snap out of a major showdown where has taken to his bed, if anyone comes to visit, act perfectly normally then carry on where he left off when the visitor has gone ie back to bed and refusing to speak
Any comments anyone has would be very welcome

My mum also suffers from vascular dementia and Alzeimer's, she was diagnosed approx. two years ago. Before she settled on her medication she would have bouts of paranoia and hostility, accusing me of 'making things up' and planning to get her out of her home, talking about her behind her back. Sadly, I think that this is a very common side effect of the condition. As I say she responded well to medication, so these episodes have decreased. When discussing her condition with health professionals I am as open in her presence as I can be, though of course some simple distractions and little white lies are required. I avoid whispered conversations in hallways and changing conversation when she walks into a room. Putting a 'front' on for other people in also quite common in my experience. I got quite tired of neighbours telling me how marvellous she was doing, when the reality was far different. People are capable of hiding symptoms for some time. In your Dad's more lucid and calm moments perhaps you could raise the issue of the e-mails. Could you use a mild example and gauge his reaction or perhaps someone else could raise this issue with him? Sadly, I would be prepared for a negative reaction, my mum hates being challenged on any aspect of her behaviour, most recently personal care, so I know what it feels like when you say you are walking on eggshells. Do you need to read the e-mails? Can someone else not so directly involved keep an eye on them for you? It is very distressing to feel that someone has turned on you and distrusts you but I think that generally people recognise that this is part of the condition and must be met with GREAT fortitude ! Hope someone else on here has other suggestions, I would be very interested to read them.

 

[Ann Mac]

Hi Dalmationlady,

When Mil is sundowning, more especially a few months ago before medication helped the symptoms, we really struggled with very verbally aggressive ranting and accusations from her. We tried distraction, and we tried agreeing, and in her case it didn't work. She had the attitude that she WANTED confrontation and little/nothing could dissuade her.

In the end, we simply decided, with advice from some on TP, to try refusing to engage with her when she was in this mood. We simply said that we were not prepared to discus whatever it was she was wanting to argue about, and would walk away. If she followed, we did exactly the same thing. We refused to respond to questions or accusations. If the abuse got particularly bad, especially if she tried to engage our youngest child (12) she was told very firmly and clearly that her behaviour was unacceptable, that she was being rude, and asked to go to her room to calm down.

I can't say it stopped it starting - but it has often worked to stop whatever the outburst was about. And, of course, medication helped to lessen the ferocity of the outbursts, so its also worth having a word with his GP.

Confronting her about her behaviour once she had calmed down just didn't help, I'm afraid - firstly, in Mils case she could remember, at least for a little while, what she had said - and was so upset by it. Secondly, if she had forgotten, I doubt if she would have believed us, no matter what evidence we provided.

Mil can also put on a great 'front' when faced with visitors - she can be charming, and often uses humour to avoid answering questions/dealing with enquiries. As time has gone on, however, her ability to do this is fading

I hope the GP can help, perhaps with medication - its a horrible thing to deal with x

 

[dalmation lady]

Thank you all for your wise words
It does help to know that a lot of people also seem to be able to change from ranting to almost normal then back again. It was this part I was having trouble with as I just couldn't believe he doesn't know what he is doing, but it does seem to be common, so I thank you sharing your experiences with me.

 

[cragmaid]

How about changing your email address...not for every one, just for him you could open a second email account.. Then you can choose whether to read his emails or not. He will probably still keep sending them, it seems a trait of dementia that nasty communication falls to those who are closest to the sufferer.
Wish I could help more....Maureen.

 

[Sharonb39]

I have a resident in the ch I work in that argues every night that she has just got here and has had a bath on the morning before she left home. She has been with us for 2 years and hates having a bath or her hair washed but it gets to the point where she HAS to have one!
I decided on them occasions to sit with her and her care plan and actually read the story of how she came to reside with us..she does acknowledge it and actually remembers it but just telling her doesn't work she needs to see the proof and can get quite verbally aggressive until proof is shown!
The result is all wort while as she has a lovely enjoyable bath and hair wash.


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[dalmation lady]

It does help a great deal to know that this a common trait with a lot of dementia sufferers.
I guess it's another horrible symptom of this terrible disease.

 

[Lindy50]

I have a resident in the ch I work in that argues every night that she has just got here and has had a bath on the morning before she left home. She has been with us for 2 years and hates having a bath or her hair washed but it gets to the point where she HAS to have one!
I decided on them occasions to sit with her and her care plan and actually read the story of how she came to reside with us..she does acknowledge it and actually remembers it but just telling her doesn't work she needs to see the proof and can get quite verbally aggressive until proof is shown!
The result is all wort while as she has a lovely enjoyable bath and hair wash.


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Hi Sharon

I have just said something similar on another thread, but I wanted to thank you and the many other other professional carers for your patience and skill. I don't think you get enough recognition

Lindy xx

 

[lizzybean]

Hi, can you do as Ann Mac says & respond with an e-mail saying "you are being rude/aggressive (or whatever) & I am not reading them or responding to them anymore" Don't read them if they upset you & just send the same response every time?

 

[Sharonb39]

Thank you Lindy that means so much more than you can ever imagine. I absolutely love my job...and can't imagine ever doing anything else! Yes it's hard work and yes it's sometimes not the pleasantest of jobs...but it is very rewarding...sometimes just a simple thank you makes such a big difference!


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[LadyA]

Oh, I remember my husband being like this. It wasn't recently - several years ago now. But he would be in a towering rage, storming around the house, fury seething from every pore, then someone would call in, and like flipping a light switch, he would be sunshiney smiles, "Hey, great to see you again! Come in! Come in!" and would chortle and chat for hours, beaming benevolently away all the while - he would even go so far as to pat dau on the head with smiles, put his arm around my shoulders with "loving" smiles - all for the benefit of the visitors. As soon as the front door shut behind them, the fury would be back, again like you flipped a switch. It was truly bizarre, and as this was before he was diagnosed, very hard to believe that it wasn't just part of his personality. It was only years later, when the evidence of the presence of dementia mounted, and his other psychological problems also became more severe (as a result of the encroaching dementia) that we realised that this Jekyll & Hyde behaviour was part of it.

 

[Spencer81]

Hi, I am experiencing this also. Mum has vascular dementia. I have moved in with my partner and 2 small children to help dad care for her. She flies of the handle at the smallest of things but only does it with me. Sometimes it's like she hates me. So hard as I have sacrificed a lot to care for her and do everything for her and dad whilst trying to bring up my young children.
I do try and walk away when I see her getting worked up. It works sometimes but other times she gets more frustrated and thinks I'm ignoring her. I feel your pain!!! Xx

 

[dalmation lady]

LadyA yes that is him to a tee.
I think the worst part is not knowing what triggers it all
Thank you all for taking the trouble to read and reply it means a lot