Concerns for my mum

[jaybes]

Hi all,

I apologise for such a long post, i hope someone can take the time to read this. I really need help and guidance, thank you.

My mother is 61 years old, she was diagnosed with 'unspecified' dementia on the 11th August 2020 and was admitted to hospital on the 7th August 2020 as there had been police reports of her getting up to no good such as, knocking on neighbours doors at 2am, going through bins, wandering around ect.

Her state is deoteriating quickly, she had a CT scan carried out back in 2016 which showed problems - i'm not sure why it took 4 years to determine she had dementia but that is another issue.

My mum (before entering hospital) resides in a council house. My brother "lives" with her however, he does not pay council tax and he is not on the tenancy - she has tried to kick him out several times but he is violent and a lot stronger than her. My mum is an alcoholic and my brother is not a very nice person so it is a very volatile household.

My brother has taken out a lot of loans (i believe up to £18,000), when my mother was admitted to hospital I found out that my brother was taking her credits cards and helping himself to her money - when I realised she still had her cards, i gave them to the hospital for safe keeping but i have bank statements to prove this.

Me and my sister have been dealing with social services and the hospital for over a month and we have stressed it is not safe for her to go home as he will not provide her with the care she needs and he will take advantage.

We were invited to a best interest meeting (me, sister and brother) and me and my sister profusely disagreed she should go home but ultimately, the social decided she needs to be given a chance.

We now believe to have found a credit card in her name which he is using. Currently due to COVID, they are finding it tricky to get a carer to go in intermittently when she is brought back home but I am very concerned for her wellbeing. I have told the social all of this, they saw first hand that he is aggressive as he stormed out of the meeting twice, was swearing and shouting at all of us and still they believe she will be OK at home alone with him?

I don't have any money to fight this legally, i don't have POA because she doesnt have mental capacity.

Thank you for reading, Jay

 

[Shedrech]

hello @jaybes
a warm welcome to DTP
what a lot your family has going on

I'm surprised that the best interest meeting decision is to have your mum return back home, given she has been wandering and the police have been involved ... I am guessing that your mum wanted to go home and Social Services do take that into account, although if she is no longer considered to have capacity they can overrule her wishes
possibly your mum's alcoholism is complicating the issues
it may be worth putting all your concerns in writing to everyone concerned, including her GP, so they are completely clear that you and your sister both believe this decision is not in your mum's best interests and they are leaving a vulnerable adult at risk of harm due to self neglect and neglect by her son

you also mention that there will be only intermittent home care visits ... is your mum able to see to her own personal care including dressing and undressing herself, prepare and eat meals, manage her own medication, take herself to bed and get up ... if not, there should be care visits to support her, up to 4 visits a day .. if she is able to 'look after herself', that may be why the decision was for her to return home

if your mum no longer has capacity, how are her finances being managed? ... legally, no-one has the authority to deal with her finances ... either you, and your sister, apply to become her Deputy or Social Services can arrange for a professional to be appointed ... given what you say of your brother's behaviour, this does need to be done to protect your mum's money .... if her bank discover that she no longer has capacity, her accounts could be frozen until someone has the legal authority to manage them
if your mum still has capacity, you'd be wise to get LPAs in place asap

it may help you to talk with someone in real time ... there is the support line

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

and Admiral Nurses are there to support carers

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Call or email our Dementia Helpline/Alzheimer's Helpline for reassuring and practical advice from our specialist team of Admiral Nurses.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[jaybes]

Hi @Shedrech

Thank you for responding to my post.

Yes I believe my mum kept saying she wanted to return home which didnt help the situation but on several occasions, she believed she was already home when she was in the hospital.

We have had to coax her into everything for example, eating breakfast or letting the nurses shower her (i have had to do this as she wont let the nurses do it) by saying she can have a cup of apple juice which she thinks is cider.

Thank you for the advice re. GP, I havent contacted them. Its been very difficult between dealing with the hospital and social services. No one wants to take ownership of anything and they are quick to pass the buck to one another.

My brother works 5am-2pm roughly. The social requested 4 visits per day but it was rejected as my brother stated he would be home from 2pm onwards which concerns me as I know that will not be the case and i stressed this to the social but received little feedback.

In terms of her finances, the social advised that they would look into getting an external person to look after her finances which hopefully is successful but sadly, shes overdrawn and has very little money in the other 2 accounts because he has been helping himself.

Thank you for the contact details, i will try and call on Monday to get some more guidance.

Jay

 

[canary]

Hello @jaybes and welcome to DTP

This all seems such a mess. Im sure your mum was allowed home because she expressed a desire to go home - although I wonder which home she wanted to go to as many people with dementia say they want to go home, but if you ask them about their home it becomes obvious its not their current home, its often its a childhood home. I expect your brother promised faithfully to look after her too. Another point is that with SS its often a tick-box system and the SW (who often knows that residential care is needed) has to show that they have tried everything else, so they usually try with 4 carer visits a day first.

Im pretty sure that this solution will not last long. Nothing will have changed with regards to the wandering, disturbing the neighbours and other anti-social behaviour and your brother wont change either. At least there will be carers checking on the situation every day and they will report back to SS if they are concerned. Just watch out in case your brother cancels all of the visits as this may not get back to SS. Report your concerns to SS and get the neighbours to do so too. Tell the neighbours to call the police too if it becomes violent.

Once this present solution of having carers in falls apart (and it will), SS will have no other option than a care home and if they deem her "at risk" (which she clearly is) they can override her wishes.

I do hope it gets sorted soon

 

[jaybes]

Hi @canary,

Thank you for your response.

I spoke to the social services individual on Friday and even he said unfortunately, it is out of his remit but if he could - he would put her in a care home. He said that it needs to prove to fail and I understand this but I am just concerned what state she will be in when it does.

I found a letter dated earlier this year which offered my mum support from the community and services but he declined this saying it wasnt necessary and then she ended up in hospital. I believe he is doing all of this for his own personal gain but I do feel you are right in saying the situation wont last long.

I will make sure to stay in contact with the social services to ensure the care is there and I believe my sister is going to speak to a neighbour opposite to request they alert her if anything is happening from the time mum goes home.

I am just very sad for my mum, my brother was the golden child and now when she is at her most vulnerable and needs him to be there for her - he has taken everything from her.

I really appreciate all your advice, its really helpful and its also nice to be able to tell my situation and have people listen rather than brush it under the carpet as the hospital and social seem to do.

Jay

 

[Banjomansmate]

Of course your brother wants your Mum to stay at home, once she is in residential care he will lose his home as she is the tenant of the property. 4x a day carers will show up his neglect of her but, stupidly, would mean he could stay in the home longer if she was able to remain there with the added help.

 

[jaybes]

Hi @Banjomansmate

Definitely.

I have had to make some tough choices in terms of if I will be contributing to help my mum when she returns home but I have decided against it.

The social were suggesting I make her food and take it round there and I refused, i stated my brother has taken on the role as her carer so he should be providing her with this. I know that he won't cook anything nutritional (he only buys microwave meals and thats if he has any money left within 4 days of getting paid!) I need the carers to see this. If other family members help care for my mum, the carers will not be alerted to the neglect she faces living with my brother.

I think within the first 2 weeks she will be back in the hospital. The carers are only visiting in the morning - this leaves a long time frame of her under his "care."

Jay

 

[canary]

I believe my sister is going to speak to a neighbour opposite to request they alert her if anything is happening from the time mum goes home.

Get the neighbours to contact SS themselves as this will carry more weight if lots of different people start contacting them.