Concerns about my mother's care of my father who has middle stage of dementia

[Primrose66]

Dad was diagnosed approx 3 years ago & is on Memantine & Donepezil. His short term memory is not good but social skills etc all great. Recently his licence has been revoked ( DVA say he must surrender so now waiting on the letter to tell him to send it in ) .
So mentally drained by it all not sure where to go from here. It is one issue after another & it seems I am now " mother " of my two parents as my sister is away a lot with her husband who works in England .
The problem really lies with my own mother not wanting or being able to take responsibility for Dad's welfare / health etc. For instance she concealed a referral letter for a Dementia Advisor and told me & sister only 3 days before! Then lied & told us she didn't know who she was or what organisation she came from! I had spent a morning printing out information about her role (found online as mum then told me her name ) . Also screeched round to my sister's with photocopy of info, was 5 mins late for work. Was important to get the info to my sister so she could mull over it in case she wanted to ask questions. Luckily my boss didn't notice I was 5 mins late,I didn't get time for a meal before work. In short Mum created a lot of stress, if she had just been upfront with us. All along Mum had a leaflet about the woman's role and letter three weeks prior to the visit! I confronted her and she said she didn't know if she was going to keep the appointment that is why she didn't tell us ! Told her it was not all about her and it was for Dad's welfare.( Unfortunately I told her she had been selfish so no doubt I will get silent treatment.)
I am losing patience with her ...has been ongoing for about two years. I can't trust her at all. She tells lie after lie and I feel depressed and life has no enjoyment anymore. She undermines me constantly. Tells me I am fussing , the other day it was "your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing". Am wondering about getting power of attorney over my Dad's affairs, more so for taking him to appointments etc at memory clinic. I am at present not allowed to attend... Dad would happily let me go but Mum would not.
Thanks in advance, I feel sad & isolated , my 21 year daughter has been wonderful but she has exams at present so I don't want to involve her, my husband is also wonderful but he has his own family problems.

 

[karaokePete]

Is your mother's behaviour something new? I hate to suggest it, but is it possible she is also developing dementia? Sadly, it's not unknown.
The other possibility is that your parents are 'old school' and don't want to be a burden, perhaps seeing shame or some stigma in seeking help.
Maybe she isn't telling lies as such. Maybe it's the truth as she see's it, it being part of her coping mechanism! I wish you the patience you will need and hope you're better than me at it!!
Getting a POA sorted is a good idea.

 

[Beate]

First of all, we are not all born to be carers. Second, we have no duty of care. None of us do, not your mother, not you. We are more or less forced into this situation by convention and "that's what you do". Most of us accept this position because we want to. But we still matter. We matter a lot. Yes it's important that someone we look after gets the best care but that care doesn't always have to come from us. We have a right to a life, and not all of us cope equally well with someone's dementia. It's not just the person with dementia being in denial, but often the carer too. Or it's shame because dementia still carries a stigma. So please have patience with your mother as it's a lot to come to terms with. Calling her selfish really isn't helpful, nor is trying to get POA without involving her. You can't force her to allow you to go to appointments with your Dad. Her mindset is probably a bit old-fashioned so you will have to be patient with her. I know this is easier said than done and you're worried for your father and stressed by your mother but as long as his needs are looked after, appointments with the Memory Clinic aren't that important. To be honest, I always found them a useless drag myself.