Concerned about the future

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by eevie12, Jul 15, 2006.

  1. eevie12

    eevie12 Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    My mother-in-law has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and my husband and I are at a loss as to what to do and how to cope. We are terrified of the future as we have been told she will get a lot lot worse, and to be honest she is bad enough at the moment. We are thinking of moving her in with us so we can keep an eye on her, look after her, but we are terrified and unsure as to what to expect. Where can we get some advice on this matter. She is so unpredictable at the moment that we both feel we are treading on eggshells sometimes. We are in desperate need of being guided in the direction of help and advice. We would be so grateful for some help in this. Thanks
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya eevie,
    Welcome to TP. In the top left corner of your page is an 'i factsheets', click on that and it will bring up a list. Some of that may be helpful. Have you got a local Alzheimers Society, if so give them a ring and they may be able to help.
    Ask questions on here; there are people posting regularly on here with plenty of experience of dementia - they are a wonderful group, and will provide info and support.
    I am going to ask one of the other Moderators to move your message to the main forum, as you will get more replies there.
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi eevie12, and welcome.

    as suggested by Helen, I've moved your post to the main area of the forum where it should receive more replies [thanks Helen]

    Best wishes
  4. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Eevie 12
    you do not say what stage you are at?
    Has MIL seen a consultant,have you had any contact with social services,is the GP involved?
    Can perhaps give more guidance when you can tell us more
    best wishes
  5. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    If your MIL is like mine theres no way moving her in with you will work

    The stresses will either drive you nuts or create a divorce

    The aggression , the accusations , the extreme variability from day to day is more than enough to try the patience of saints

    Sadly very few of us are saints and as others will tell you there comes a point where only a NH can cope

    You do need to set up an EPA very fast though because you will probably find finances are in a horrendous mess

    If she has a house or a large estate then you might need to think through very carefully all the parameters
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    I felt like you when I first moved mum in to our home about the future yes it does get worse but how long it take to get to that point ? is very hard to predict as every one that has AD is different.

    It’s been 4 years now that I have been caring for mum & am still waiting for the worse to happen, it can get very stressful on other members of the family & yourself if they do not understand what is happening to your mum brain

    As long( if you do move your mum in) is to get the social worker in, medication from doctor if needed , find out where you local AD day centre so your mum can go , good book to read is The 36 –Hour day A Family Guide to caring for person with AZ disease , Related Dementing illness and Memory loss in later life ….John Hopkins .

    Good lucky tell us what you decide to do
  7. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Hi Eevie 12, I think you have already recognised yourself that the 'unpredictability' of this bl**dy disease is what makes it so horrendously difficult for carers to 'manage' - let alone what it is doing to those who suffer directly.

    How to plan for the future when there is no realistic prognosis/forecast for the future? ....

    Much like you, although different circumstances (I care for my mum who lives alone) my first reaction was 'move in together' - whether that was a naive and selfish view of managing one household is easier than two, concern and instinct of 'how much longer can she be left alone'? .... we are 'managing' - for now - and yes some days are desperate, full of worries, other days I am glad to be able to 'walk away'... added to which mum has expressed her own wish to live in her own home independently for as long as she can...... I've found 'striking a balance' very difficult and am moving towards keeping mum independent whilst not totally reliant on me for every practical aspect of her care (and I wouldn't be saying that without the inspiration and help I have had directly and indirectly from members of this forum).

    Sounds like you and your husband are in some state of shock - I would suggest you allow yourselves some time to take in the diagnosis .... I can be the world's worst for acting impulsively so should be the last to suggest you don't .... just hope you can both find some time for yourselves to have the chance to really 'think through' what decisions you may - or may not - need to make.

    I was very new to 'forums' before TP and I know it can seem strange to 'open up' to virtual strangers, but have to reiterate Norman's words of wisdom - sometimes the more specific you can be, the more help we all can be to you......

    Sending love to you all - hope you know there is a wealth of support here for you,

    Love Karen (TF), x
  8. Blue_Gremlin

    Blue_Gremlin Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    Morecambe, UK
    Hi eevie

    I was new to all this - both dementia care and the website - not so long back and I am possitive I wouldn't have coped as long as I have without the people on here. It is AMAZING how much better you feel just when someone says to you 'I know what you mean, that has happened to me'. You no longer feel isolated and you get less scared cos you have somewhere/someone to turn to, albeit virtual. Virtual or not I consider these people my friends and more often than not my lifeline!!

    I am sure they/we will all be there for you over the next few weeks/months/years through the ups and downs and we will ride the waves together :) just remember to hang on tight!!

    It may not get better but you will get stronger. Just gain the information you need to do so from everywhere you can. These forums are very helpful and the factsheets and great and then there are external people like your MIL's GP and - dare I say it - social services (mine aren't great but I hope yours will be better). My advice to you is take all and every bit of help and advice that is given to you. Knowledge is power although sometimes you may feel like ignorance is bliss.

    You will get through this, just let us help :)

  9. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi eevie
    My brother cared for mum in her own home for a year.I used to go and take over from him at first evey 3 weeks, then every 2 then weekly...along with a part time job i couldn't cope...
    mum moved in with us in April and we seem to be settling down now....but its not husband finds it very hard going and at times I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!!!
    i no longer work but its easier for me to have my family around me
    I've got social services involved....mum is on a waiting list for day care and I'm currently looking into respite purely to get some proper family time....
    As for what to expect.....i was thinking today.....about 15 months ago when I was looking after mum I phoned my sister in law in a panic because mum appeared with her dress over her nightie and pants over her tights!!! It really freaked me out because I'd had no experience of this illness before!!! i can't believe now that I worried about such a trivial thing!
    I don't get so scared now...I've moved on....
    Crockery in her knickers,chips in her handbag have all become commonplace...Last night she was very grumpy with me and wouldn't let me help her get undressed for she slept in her dress,cardigan,jacket and overcoat....but she was happy!
    I'm sure people are fed up of me saying it but this forum is a lifeline to me....I've learned so much and when I'm feeling low there's always something to make me smile:)
  10. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Wendy, always realise that the TP community is one where we all gain support from each other. Your post has helped me and I've been using TP what seems like ages.

    We are at our best, it seems, when we just tell it as it is. That way, others relate to what we say the best.

    Me? I'm still trying to picture

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