Concerned about my Grandmother who won't accept help

[Emma9519]

My Nanna is 84 years old, and lives with my Grandpa who is the same age. For a few years now, she has shown signs of memory problems and often will ask the same question several times. My Grandpa often gets annoyed at her for doing that and tells her that she has already asked the question and sometimes it creates arguments and she will get upset.

It has got worse over the past few years, there have been occasions where my nanna has gone for a walk to strange places on her own, for example, when it was snowing a couple of years ago, and it was the lockdown, she went walking around the town for no reason but luckily my uncle found her. Another time, my Grandpa went to hospital for a small procedure in the city and my nanna decided to get on the bus to go and "find him" but she didn't even make it to the hospital because it is about a mile away from the bus stop, and then went home again. I work in a dementia care home now, in the office, so I am much more aware of Dementia than I used to be, and how it effects people differently. I definitely think that my Nanna has it at least in the early stages, but they won't do anything about it and it is only getting worse.

My Grandpa doesn't seem to want to look after her; he is healthy and mobile but doesn't leave the house much ever since losing his driving license a few years ago, and I think nanna gets on his nerves so he just lets her go out. My parents went to visit them a few weeks ago when the weather was very hot and she was wearing warm winter clothing walking down the road. My dad rolled the window down and offered a lift and she said "I don't know who you are" and it was only when my mum said "it's your son" that she agreed to get into the car. She also hadn't eaten or drank anything that day so Dad got her to drink some water. Grandpa doesn't seem to care that she's gone off on her own, in inappropriate clothing.

My Dad and my uncles and aunty have tried to speak to them about it, but they are both totally in denial about it and will not accept help. She just gets upset and Grandpa seems to get offended. They seem to think mental health is some old fashioned taboo and she's having images of straight jackets etc- when I talked about working in a dementia care home she suggested that the people there were "mental" or "handicapped". Another example of something she did, was she asked my dad how his friend was doing - this friend passed away two years ago (she went to his funeral), so he told her this and she just went quiet and didn't say anything.

What can we do? My dad wrote a letter to her GP before but nothing came of that- she never goes to the GP because she is convinced there are no appointments ever; without even trying. Everyone in the family is worried about her and want to help but they won't accept that anything is wrong. They seem to think they will be judged and ridiculed when that is absolutely not the case, and if she gets some help now then there might be time to slow down the symptoms.

They will also not accept anyone having power of attorney and they haven't written wills which is also something they refuse to do that my dad and uncles and aunty have tried to speak to them about. Nanna has also been forgetting little things like sending out birthday cards to people but again, my Grandpa should be supporting her and not expecting her to remember everything.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Emma9519 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point our supportive and friendly community. I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Getting someone the help they need can be tricky, especially when they and their partner are resistant. I would suggest trying the GP again, giving the sort of detail that you have written here. Perhaps you could ask the GP to call your Nanna in for a 'routine' checkup during which a test of memory and cognition might be carried out.

That would be a first step towards getting the help that is needed before a crisis develops.

Are Social Services involved or even aware? If not, an Adult Needs Assessment would help to clarify needs and might help in identifying how they might be met. This link gives further information:

Assessment for care and support in England

What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Emma9519 and a warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point.
From what you've aid it sounds like your grandma is probably in the mid-stages of dementia, but it sounds like your grandfather might be having problems too. Loss of empathy can be a sign of dementia. I found with my mother that dementia seemed to exaggerate her personality. So my mum has always liked to be the centre of attention, but when dementia struck no one else could get a word in edgeways. It could be that your granddad has never been that supportive of your grandmother but now things are more obvious.
I'm sorry the GP wasn't helpful. I'd email again with a bullet pointed list of your concerns and and try to make sure that the GP's surgery contacts one of the family about any appointments. They won't be able to talk to you about your grandparents, but I wonder if the GP contacted your grandparents and they said they were fine.
It might also be worth contacting social services and saying that your grandparents are vulnerable adults at risk. Again try and get them to talk to one of you as your grandparents will probably turn them away.
If you can try and get Lasting Power of Attorney set up. I know that's tricky, but I managed it for my mum by getting one of her friends to tell her what a good idea it was.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their tips and suggestions. This is a very friendly and supportive place to be.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I think this is partly a generational thing. It's annoying and extremely frustrating for other family but it's remarkably hard to shift their attitude!

My parents (and others I've known of their generation) were the same. Thy were very proud and considered only weak/stupid/inferior people needed help and anyone worth their salt could manage perfectly well alone. A completely ridiculous attitude but there it is. My folks also saw any mental illness as 1) weakness - you should just pull yourself together, and 2) socially embarrassing - what would the neighbours think? Oh, the shame...!

So you've got your grandma with mid-stage dementia and your grandfather colluding with her to cover it up. He seems to think if he can just correct her a bit (or make her shut up and stop saying stupid things...) that he can control it and it will will go away, or certainly get no worse. It is possible as @Sarasa has said that your grandfather is entering the early stages himself.

I think you need to sit grandad down with a couple of family members and have a serious heart to heart with him about grandma's dementia, how it will progress and how he HAS to make provision for the future. Secondly, you need to get your dad to write to the GP again and stress that they are both vulnerable. Usually the best way to approach people in denial is to get the doc to call her/them in for a general old age check up or similar.