Concerned about Dad's welfare

[lesley g]

Hi,
I could really use any advice anyone has if they have been in a similar position.My dad has vascular dementia brought on my a stroke. It is now in the middling stage.My stepmother whom I have never really got on with is at the end of her tether. She is pretty much coping with dad on her own apart from one day a week he visits a day care centre. Every time I phone she seems more and more depressed and angry and I am worried she is taking it out on dad. She openly admits she shouts at him. I have suggested it may be better for both of them if Dad went into a care home - I think secretly she really wants this but says that they cannot afford it. They are comfortably well off but she is considerably younger than him and is worried that there will be nothing left for her old age. I have to be really careful what I say otherwise she will just stop taking my calls as sge has done with dad's sisters.I don't feel I can just stand by and watch it get worse but I cannot look after dad and he lives 90 minutes away so visiting is not frequesnt. Any ideas?.

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Lesley,
This has come up on Talking Point before.
Appart from your Local Alzheimer's Branch, Talking to someone at Head Office who are so supportive, There are Helped the Aged, Crossroads, Princess Royal Trust.
Later on someone will come on line and offer more help.
I can understand why you do not want to fall out with your step-mother.
Good luck.
Christine

 

[Skye]

Hi Lesley, welcome to TP.

It does sound as if your step-mother is finding it difficult to cope, and perhaps it is time to consider residential care, if she is regularly losing her temper with him.

If this were to happen, the house would not be considered as long as she continued to live in it, and income from pensions etc. would also not be taken into account.

Only capital would be considered, and if your dad has more than £21000, they would have to start to pay NH fees on a sliding scale.

I can understand your step-mother being concerned about her own future, and only she can weigh up the pros and cons.

Perhaps she should ring the social worker and ask for a financial assessment, at least she would know where they stand.

Has she had a carer's assessment? If not, she should have one of those too. I may be that there is more help available to enable her to keep your dad at home for longer.

All the best,

 

[jenniferpa]

Are you sure about the income thing Hazel?

 

[Skye]

No, I may have got it wrong, and I bow to your superior knowledge, Jennifer.

Oh, I think I know what you mean now. When the capital falls below £21,500, and funding kicks in, they can take attendance allowance, retirement pension and part of occupational pension into the equation.

But it's the £21,500 capital that's the crucial point.

Is that better? Please correct me if I'm still wrong.

 

[jenniferpa]

I have no idea - I was just wondering I guess I need to go and look at CRAG again

Logically though, if you had a massive income, but no savings I think you're right that social services would be paying. But as you say they would then start taking the AA, the state pension and any occupational pension (with the proviso that in many circumstances 50% of that occupational pension can be passed to the spouse). Theoretically, that could mean that in fact you were paying the entire thing, even though the LA appeared to be. Interesting point I think.

 

[Westie]

Jennifer, you've just described the situation I find myself in at the moment.

Our savings are below £13,000 so, technically, Peter's residential care should be funded by S Services. The problem is he still receives 50% of his salary and will do until retirement age. Whilst it isn't massive - how I wish it were - it is a reasonable sum which I'm sure looks more than enough on paper. What social services absolutely refuse to consider is that ALL of this income is committed to household expenses, and in particular to a huge mortgage. I have been told that they MUST have 50% of Peter's salary as a contribution towards his care costs. Add that to the withdrawal of DLA and Carer's Allowance and that makes SS funding minimal!!!

You kindly highlighted the CRAG guidelines for me a while ago and they are really useful. I will be appealing against SS decision as CRAG clearly states that where children are involved, there is a duty of care to maintain their previous standard of living. We don't have an extravagent lifestyle at all - more just existing day to day now. Holidays, trips out, activities etc. were all part of our old life but not any more!

So far, I have only had verbal demands for money from various different people. The amount changes depending on who I am speaking to. I refuse to consider anything at all until they can be bothered to actually write to me and explain how they work out their arbitary figures!!

I find their attitude nothing short of bullying tactics. I wonder how many people just give in when faced with this pressure at a time when their defences are at a very low ebb. Appalling.

Sorry - ranted a bit here. As you can tell, I'm furious with the whole system.

Mary-Ann

 

[Skye]

Mary-Ann, I'm not surprised you're furious. Nobody should be reduced to penury to fund care.

You're absolutely right to refuse to agree to anything until you have it in writing, and absolutely right that your children should not have to suffer.

This seems to be another problem that applies particularly to young-onset families, as most people will have paid off their mortgage by the time they retire. If you were to sell the house, they'd then have a claim on half of the proceeds, so that wouldn't help.

It's yet another issue that is never highlighted, and it should be.

 

[jenniferpa]

Dear Mary Anne

Such a horrible situation to find yourself in. You're quite right not to respond to any that isn't in writing. I just wish I could go in there and shake them on your behalf - it makes me so cross. You've lost your husband to this damn disease and your children are losing their father and now they say YOU have to pay - it's awful. I really do not see why this is not considered the NHS's responsibility. I can see that much of my mother's care was due to "old age" and old age isn't a specific disease and I could deal with that (not like it but deal with it), but how can what has happened to your husband be anything but a health issue?