Complicated relationship with father who just passed at a young age

[Sb904]

Hello

My name is Sarah and I lost my dad two weeks ago to early onset vascular dementia.

He and I had a pretty rocky relationship for most of my teen and young adult life. We fought, he would say mean hateful things and would be physically abusive, I told him I hated him, and we honestly didn’t get along. For a long time my dad was just a source for money or things I needed. He would pick me up when I ran out of gas, he co-signed for my car etc. Most of the time I didn’t reach out personally unless I needed something. My parents split but never divorced my senior year of HS and my dad blamed me for my mother leaving, he told me this to my face. However, we also functioned better as a separated family most of the time, and would even go to dinner together pretty much every night after a year of them being separated. That’s how we functioned. We would still fight and he would still occasionally say nasty things but it was a new “normal.”
In 2016 my dads work called my mom and said he was acting funny, but he wouldn’t go to the hospital (he was stubborn) so after a few hours we managed to force him but once we got there the damage had been done. He had had multiple strokes and was having issues talking, walking etc. Fast forward a bit, we tried to keep him at home, but as his memory started to go he wouldn’t understand why he couldn’t go back to his house (it was forclosed on because he wasn’t paying bills, my mom didn’t know because they had mostly separate finances) so he would try to escape. After about a year of trying home health care along with family care we decided the safest place for him was a dementia care unit. After three years of fighting he finally lost his battle to pneumonia (we had 5-10 scares where I was sure that was it, collapsed lungs, renal failure, dyferticulatis etc) so when it finally happened it was a relief and also slightly a shock because he had always come back to his baseline.

my issue now is, I always kind of felt torn towards him and the dementia, because he lost his memories of how bad our relationship was. He didn’t remember all the mean and horrible things, but I always did. He got a clean slate and I basically had to forgive him and go see him because he was sick and didn’t understand. He never lost the memory of who we were, and wasn’t awful health wise (he could talk eat fine, with the exception of his last day, he was awful and breathing heavy and not responding or moving)

The day he died I drove 5 hours from Atlanta to be there, I made it at 3pm and he passed away at like5:45. I chose to tell him I forgave him, and that I was sorry for saying he couldn’t walk me down the isle at my wedding. I just have such awful back and fourth emotions where I try to remember him and all I can see is either the bad stuff or the times where I kind of put on a show and made jokes to make him laugh because a lot of times he would get really sad and cry when we would leave. I’m so hurt, and I honestly have cried every day. We never had closeure because he lost his memory before we ever talked about it. It’s just bizarre to think I’m 29 and like, now he actually won’t walk me down the isle.


people tell me at work they understand hoW I feel. However they are in their 60s-70s and lived a whole life with their parent. I struggle telling people about how I’m feeling because we had such a messed up Relationship and I’m so young.Even with us disagreeing, he would always help me. I was in a bad wreck in October and if he was well he would have been there, he would have helped me get a new car, he would have helped me move. Like it’s just weird.

Anyway, If you’ve read this far I appreciate it.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Sb904

You certainly had a very rocky relationship with your dad but his love for you stands out. However mean you were to him he was always there to help you. When you needed him he was there even though it sounds as if your personalities clashed.

You were with him at the end of his life and forgave him. Now it is time to forgive yourself.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Sb904

I‘m sorry to read about your dad & the feelings it’s dragged up. I really think that you would benefit from some counselling. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.

 

[canary]

Oh @Sb904 , my heart really goes out to you.
I am in my 60s, butits my husband who has dementia symptoms. I have a daughter who is 30 now and she cannot remember her dad before he started with cognitive decline. She recently found a photo of her with her dad when she was a baby and OH is holding her and they are both laughing. She was amazed and said she had no idea that her dad had ever responded to her like that. Nastiness seems to be a feature of early onset dementia, as is erratic behaviour. I have lived with it for years, (although it seems to be burning out now), and he was (and still is) unable to understand that he has changed, so everything that went wrong was someone elses fault (usually mine). He is unable to see anything from anyone elses viewpoint and his world has narrowed right down so that all he can see is his own wants, needs and comforts. He also lost the ability to wait a long time ago and anything he wants he wants now. He can still pass the memory tests with no problems, though! Early onset dementia often does not involve the memory and by the time the memory starts going the dementia can be quite advanced

All of these changes started a long time ago and often with early onset dementia, by the time it is diagnosed the damage to relationships is already done. I watched my OH change from the loving, kind and compassionate man I married to the selfish, cold and accusing man he became. I considered leaving him too, but stayed because I knew something was wrong.

I dont know if my story has helped at all. It may well be that your relationship with your dad has been blighted by dementia symptoms long before his diagnosis. I do hope you can make peace with yourself
xxx

 

[marionq]

@canary is right. Dementia in many of its forms starts long before diagnosis. The medical world now believes it can affect behaviour as much as twenty years before it becomes obvious as dementia. His issues plus your teenage hormones would be a toxic mix. Life can only go forward and so dwelling on what happened or might have been is a lost cause.

We all do that and it’s not helpful so don’t waste any more of your young life thinking about it. Start afresh and make the best life you can. Good wishes.

 

[Lawson58]

I had a very complicated relationship with my father which was never resolved.

My mother died when I was four years old and I was the youngest of five children. I understand that for a man to try and raise all of us was extremely difficult but he made some really screwed up choices and we all had a pretty miserable time as kids growing up. I know he felt he was doing the right thing but we all ended up pretty messed up.

I was about your age when my father died and I hadn't had much to do with him for a number of years before that.

At the moment you are experiencing a roller coaster of emotions which reflect the dad you knew in your youth when at times he behaved badly and then when dementia changed things for both of you,
.
Even though your dad was abusive, he still stood by you and rescued you when that was what you needed and that shows much love, albeit misguided at times.

The dementia allowed you to see another side of your dad and you were able to show your love in being there for him when he needed you.

I don't think peace will come easily to you especially while you are still grieving. You had an opportunity to find a new relationship with your dad and the memories of that will be important to you way down the line. I was never able to resolve my difficulties with my father but you made a connection with yours that I am sure will provide great comfort for you.

Be patient and give yourself time to work through your issues. Talk honestly with your mum. She knew you both so well.