Completely overwhelmed and fed up with caring!

[Jess1982]

Hi
I just need to rant and get this all of my chest somewhere I know people can relate to some of my issues!

Both my elderly parents have dementia.
My dad has been temporarily put in a respite care home by social services as the 4 x a day carer visits were not enough and he keeps falling. His mobility is very bad and he never uses his zimmer frame.

My mum is at home still and social services are sorting out a live in carer who will hopefully start next week.
My mum often leaves the house without shoes, her bag, money, keys. I get constant phone calls from "no caller id" and know it is always the police or social services.
I can never relax because I never know who's going to call me. The police seem to think because I only live about 20 minutes drive away that I can drop everything at all times of day and night and go and collect her.
Or if they drop her home they expect me to go round before they leave to check she's OK.
I know they have her best interests at heart but I cannot go on like this.

I am only 32, I have 2 young children and 1 of them has Autism. I strongly suspect my youngest has ADHD. Put it this way, my life isn't easy anyway!

What makes it all worse is that I have never got on with my mum. She has been very emotionally abusive all my life. I have always felt extremely uncomfortable in her presence as am waiting for critiscism. I used to see her once a week and hated and dreaded this but now I am having to see her much more regularly.

Even if I am not with her physically I am dealing with a doctor's phone call, or speaking to social worker, or the police are ringing.

I am trying to do a college course at the moment too.

I have worked up the courage to tell the police twice now that I cannot deal with this all the time and they need to think of the situation as if I didn't live so nearby.

I have a half brother who lives in France and 2 half sisters that live a 4 hour drive away.
None of them help. They just say they wish they could but can't because of distance.

I feel constantly guilty that I could do more than I do. For example if I meet a friend I feel I should be doing something for them instead!

Today I tried to meet a good friend I haven't seen for months and as soon as I arrived the police rang and asked me to go and get her!

Because of my mums aggressive behaviour when visiting my dad at the care home she now isn't allowed to visit unsupervised. I am the only 1 to take her so even more burden on me.

I am sure I wouldn't feel this resentful if she had been a good mum to me but she's made my life hell the last few years even before the dementia.

I also have no idea how to help them financially. They wouldn't agree to power of attorney before and it's past that point now. I've applied for court of protection but very slow going.
Their care bills must be at least £10000 already and now they'll be getting a live in carer.
I don't know where any of their paperwork is! It would take me days on end to find it and try and make sense of it and with young kids that's almost impossible.

I know if I don't try and do something the council will take their house. But part of me thinks I don't have the time or energy to prevent this.

I also want some time out at the weekends with my own family.
I am so preoccupied with all this I feel I'm not emotionally there for my kids like I should be. My youngest is only 4!

Last weekend we spent both whole days there sorting out their entire house ready for a live in carer to move in! My boys were going insane with boredom whilst this happened! We end up shouting at them. It's not fair.

I am now refusing to answer phone calls to any number I don't recognise! But still find it stressful hearing phone ring and then wondering how to respond to the current crazy situation if they leave a message.


Maybe I sound selfish I don't know.

Rant over!!!

 

[jeany123]

Jess I am so sorry you seem to have far too much in your hands, I think the only thing you can do to get some sort of life back again is to tell the SW that you can't do it any more then step back and don't,
visit your father when you wish, visit your mother if you wish but apart from that if i were you I would get on with your life,

You have to be there for your children they are just small and deserve a mum who has time for them,
Other things will have to be arranged for your mother, but you are definitely not selfish I think you have done enough now and have to say, no more!! The police will have to be told to phone the SW and not you,
Best wishes Jess and I wish you luck xxx

 

[RedLou]

Jess, you are amazing. If I were you I'd tell the police when they call you have an autistic child and can't help.

 

[Jess1982]

Thank you so much for your replies.

Had an emotional day as police weren't that nice when I went to pick her up today.
They accusingly asked me why I hadn't been answering my phone.

It's so nice to hear I'm doing a good job. Means a lot.

I am getting a bit more assertive with them.

I think I will have to continue saying I cannot pick her up due to my own family, autism etc.

It's hard to say no to the police! You feel as though you're doing something wrong!

I also feel judged like everyone thinks a mum daughter relationship is often a close one. I feel me saying no I won't come and get her is equivalent to me saying I'm a horrible nasty person.

But at the end of the day it doesn't matter what they think. They know nothing about my circumstances.

Thank you.

 

[marionq]

Jess, if the police get enough calls the social work dept will have to act and will find her a care home. That sounds like the best solution for all.

 

[Varandas]

sorry that you are having a difficult time with your parents and your young family needs you too.
You certainly are doing a great job.
Like you I did not have a good relationship with my mother. I did everything I could have done for her only out of respect.
You are right in saying that people thinks that daughter/mother relationship is always a good one. No it is not - and don't feel guilty about it. No point trying to explain it to people either. Just get on with your life and visit your parents, if you wish, when you wish.
all the best

 

[Jess1982]

The police are certainly getting fed up now.

If things don't improve when the live in carer comes there has been talk of sectioning her.

 

[Jess1982]

sorry that you are having a difficult time with your parents and your young family needs you too.
You certainly are doing a great job.
Like you I did not have a good relationship with my mother. I did everything I could have done for her only out of respect.
You are right in saying that people thinks that daughter/mother relationship is always a good one. No it is not - and don't feel guilty about it. No point trying to explain it to people either. Just get on with your life and visit your parents, if you wish, when you wish.
all the best

Thank you

It totally feels like duty and obligation.

Makes the guilt worse I feel as I think I should WANT to help her, spend time with her!

 

[Oxy]

Nobody is obliged to care for another whatever the relationship. Being abusive towards your child is inexcusable.
So tomorrow I suggest you ring adult safeguarding and tell them that you are not prepared to care for your mother who was only abusive towards you when we'll. Your duty is towards your kids and explain additional complications such as autism which is hard enough to deal with. Additionally you want to safeguard your marriage/partnership. Say you are not prepared to care in the light of aforementioned facts and that it is their duty to sort your mother and her finances out. If police call tell them to ring safeguarding as they are dealing with the matter. If necessary change your number or inform police in advance so they don't bother you again.
Good luck and wish you well. Keep ringing safeguarding till it has been absorbed and acted on. Don't let the pen pushers fob you off.

 

[Gingertwist]

Thank you

It totally feels like duty and obligation.

Makes the guilt worse I feel as I think I should WANT to help her, spend time with her!

Jess, just wanted to say that I think you are doing great. Let Social Services do their job, they will happily let someone else do it and now is a time for YOU and your family.
Please dont feel guilty for the relationship you didnt have with your Mother. Life is not always perfect and neither are we. Good luck x

 

[flossielime]

Hi Jess

This is a dreadful situation and you cant go on like this. I am in a similar position as my kids are young too (5 and 7) so need attention. My mum is in a nursing home (no dementia, physically ill) but very demanding and my dad has AD, plus I have my mother in law with mixed AD and vascular dementia and heart failure. So I do know how you feel. I totally empathise with what you say about many people thinking you are available around the clock. It is just so hard when you are needed in several places at once.

I got my dad a tracker so I always knew where he was - I had it on his key ring and he did always take his keys out (if there is anything you mum always takes with her - coat maybe - put it in the pocket). I could text the tracker and see where he was with a link to google maps. I used to text it a few times a day at times convenient to me and if he was local I left him, if he had wandered too far and might not find his way back I'd go for him. Still takes a load of work - I got sick of driving round with the kids in the car playing first to spy grandad gets a sticker! - no way to spend a childhood.

Anyway the tracker helped for a bit - but then dad stated going out in the middle of the night - so we were back to the police call outs.

I hope social services organise a live in carer for you soon. In my area social services refused point black to help in anyway with night care.

Good luck - Its a bloody nightmare!

 

[Jess1982]

Thank you

I will definitely just re direct the police to social services from now on.

I did e mail the social worker a while ago and told her how I will and that it was putting too much stress on my family.

I will have to say it again!

Today the social worker would have picked up my mum from the police station but we were talking about my mum being confused and not knowing what's going on, and she said obviously she could get her but she'd be happier to see me!

There's always emotional blackmail I feel.

Once I asked the police in South East London if they could book a cab for her to get back home. (40 min drive)
They sounded disgusted I'd suggested it rather than rush to pick her up!

I also always get asked "so who's going to be with your mum?" And me having to say no one feels awful.

That's why it means a lot to read your responses. You are all confirming what I feel I should do and want to do but feel guilty for.
I feel less guilty knowing others agree!

 

[Jess1982]

Hi Jess

This is a dreadful situation and you cant go on like this. I am in a similar position as my kids are young too (5 and 7) so need attention. My mum is in a nursing home (no dementia, physically ill) but very demanding and my dad has AD, plus I have my mother in law with mixed AD and vascular dementia and heart failure. So I do know how you feel. I totally empathise with what you say about many people thinking you are available around the clock. It is just so hard when you are needed in several places at once.

I got my dad a tracker so I always knew where he was - I had it on his key ring and he did always take his keys out (if there is anything you mum always takes with her - coat maybe - put it in the pocket). I could text the tracker and see where he was with a link to google maps. I used to text it a few times a day at times convenient to me and if he was local I left him, if he had wandered too far and might not find his way back I'd go for him. Still takes a load of work - I got sick of driving round with the kids in the car playing first to spy grandad gets a sticker! - no way to spend a childhood.

Anyway the tracker helped for a bit - but then dad stated going out in the middle of the night - so we were back to the police call outs.

I hope social services organise a live in carer for you soon. In my area social services refused point black to help in anyway with night care.

Good luck - Its a bloody nightmare!

Thanks

I don't think I want to know where she is all the time! That sounds awful but for my sanity I'm trying to reduce the impact this has on my life!

I may feel differently if we were close.

 

[Oxy]

It is necessary to ring safeguarding-she is a vulnerable adult and it is their JOB and duty to ensure her safety. Care manager is from a different department. To be honest, I doubt 24hour care would work. CH is better. Carers always sick or leaving and you could find yourself in same situation. In a CH, the onus if someone is ill falls on the CH and you are not in danger of having your life disrupted.
If a SW says 'she'll be happier to see you', you can make it clear that that can't be the case because of abuse meted out to you when young. They need to get this fact into their heads that abuse by a parent will not be forgotten because they are now old. Many SW just live on another planet, it seems. Also, they need to be reminded that the law states no one can be made to care for another.

 

[Jessbow]

You have my admiration, truly you do. I can completely understand your want to get this resolved.

Mum and I had the same GP, and I remember sobbing to her, about Mum, how, for instance she wouldn't have the doors locked. It was such a huge responsibility all the time. The GP looked me in the eye and said that Mum was totally safe and secure, because I was constantly checking, checking that she'd not unlocked the door , or put the electric kettle on the gas or something equally dangerous.

Whilst I was wearing myself to a frazzle, Mum was deemed to not be at risk, because I was eliminating those risks....

To put it bluntly, sometimes the **** has to hit the fan, and splatter those that need to listen ( and act) before they will actually do anything.

Standing back is EXAVTLY the right thing to do. The police have as much of a duty of care to your Mum as you do. They WILL get fed up and take action eventually.

Be strong in your resolve, STAND BACK! ( and don't feel guilty - your children need you)

 

[flossielime]

I am just wondering is there any reason why you are not putting parents in care home? I know your dad is in respite - might he stay? would your mum be better in a care home - i know in my dad's case his wandering was always getting worse - never improved so really a home might be the the only solution.

I know my dad's social worker was desperate to get him into a care home - just wanted him off his case load I suspect. But I am surprised you are not being pushed in that direction.

 

[supporter1]

You need to stand back.. it is incredibly hard but there comes a time when your family and your health must come first. Helping in this situation is imho in fact making things worse. It is fairly obvious that both parents need a residential placement .. your mum may not agree to it but without you in the picture it will inevitably head in that direction and that perhaps needs to be the way forward.

We had a situation where the psych and the social worker insisted my dad would manage in extra care sheltered .. we all knew it would not work and could have supported for a few days but our other commitments meant more than that would have been impossible. As a family we took the decision not to step in and wait for it to fail. That was incredibly hard to do... longest 48 hours of my life but it was the only way to ensure my dad got the residential placement he needed.

So lay it on the line to the SW and police that your not able to support any longer. Be strong . Be prepared for the emotional blackmail from SW and police and psych because they will try it on... we still get the 'but family should be looking after him' comments and dad has been in residential care for 2years..

Find the inner strength to put yourself and your family first . If you do that then you will make progress and this hamster wheel your on will finally stop .

 

[MrsTerryN]

Agree with everyone else. Say no. When my mother was still at home one Sunday I received a call from the police to ask me to pick up my mother and drive her home. She had driven her car and was incapable of driving home.
Home was four blocks from where the police had her stopped
I would have had to driven (so another car) forty five mins plus to get her.
She had a manual car I don't drive one
I said no and explained why but I have to say I did kinda wonder why but I thought maybe a requirement for the police to notify next of kin?
I was already on the police system for mum due to her contacts with the police (non existent burglaries, etc)
The police were actually OK about it.
Mind you this was in Australia

 

[RedLou]

Be prepared for the emotional blackmail from SW and police and psych because they will try it on... we still get the 'but family should be looking after him' comments and dad has been in residential care for 2years..

That's disgraceful! From officialdom?

 

[Jess1982]

I am just wondering is there any reason why you are not putting parents in care home? I know your dad is in respite - might he stay? would your mum be better in a care home - i know in my dad's case his wandering was always getting worse - never improved so really a home might be the the only solution.

I know my dad's social worker was desperate to get him into a care home - just wanted him off his case load I suspect. But I am surprised you are not being pushed in that direction.

Yes up until now my mum has refused all care. She was given an ultimatum by social worker that if she didn't let careers into house for my dad safeguarding procedures would start.
As her dementia has progressed she's accepted a career twice a day for herself reluctantly!
She still does all her own self care and often won't let them make her food.
But at least they give her medication.
As time goes on I definitely think a CH is best place.
But social services want to keep them together as there does still seem to be love there although they argue terribly.
The social worker says she wouldn't want to clip my mums wings prematurely. For example she still likes to go to her local pub where she knows people and coffee shops.

I also feel at the mercy of where SS put them both as we have no idea of their financial situation and don't have POA.
If we had control of their finances we would be able to have more choice and would probably try and choose a care home for them both to live.