Completely out of my depth

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by daughter, Feb 7, 2007.

  1. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Mum and I both thought Dad was going today when he started coughing, but he's always been very strong and sometimes stubborn! He opened his eyes while we were there but they have gone a different colour, I don't think he could see us. Mum stroked his shoulder and cleaned his mouth and it is so desperately touching and heart-wrenching to watch.

    I haven't properly cried yet but seeing Dad like that.. just waiting.. and me wanting to hold his face in my hands, and never let it go, so that I'd never forget what he looks like... I couldn't help but well up, but then when Mum saw me, she started crying, so I stopped. It just gets harder each time we visit. This still feels like some nightmare unravelling before my eyes - (both Mum and I are having actual vivid nightmares too - I guess that's normal).

    Then on the drive home with Mum we were talking about going to see him afterwards. She says she will but I don't know if I can. Mum said she couldn't go to see her Dad, he died when she was just 27. She seems the strong one sometimes and I feel like a child. I know that it is nearly over but I both want it to be over, for Dad, for all of us, and yet I don't.
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hazel.
    You are doing just fine - you are not out of your depth.
    I went to see my FIL in the Chapel of Rest - he died very unexpectedly. I was really scared about it - having never seen a body. It didn't look like him, they hadn't given him a smile, which many of the undertakers seem to do. I was surprised by the coldness when I touched him - icy.
    I went with my MIL, former husband and our children - we all cried - we comforted one another - we moved in and out of the room as we wished.
    Do I regret it? No. It made me realise that it was merely an empty shell that was left behind,.... was nolonger there. It helped me at the funeral - because I did not feel that ......was trapped inside the coffin. My boys are all glad that they went - it helped them to accept that their grandfather was dead - none of us had had the chance to say goodbye. You will know what is right for you when the time comes.

    Hazel, if you need to cry, then do so. Let your mum be your mum, and comfort you. You in turn wll be able to support her. I am sure that when your dad dies, you will then be able to remember him as he was - before being ravaged by dementia.
    Hazel, just do what you need to do - hold him, stroke him, sing to him - whatever is right for you.
    Thinking of you.
    You know where we are.
    Much love, Helen
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    Dear Hazel, I`m not surprised you feel out of your depth. I can`t imagine anyone feeling in control, having to endure such heartache.
    It`s wonderful that you and your mother are there for each other. There is no need to be `brave.` Go with your feelings. Love Sylvia x
     
  4. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    dear hazel,

    i'm so sorry you're going through this. i'd never presume to say "i know just how you feel" but i can remember being there with my dad so vividly.

    thinking of you with love

    Áine
     
  5. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    My dear virtual friends, thank you so much. You have no idea how much your kind words are helping me.
    love from Hazel.
     
  6. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Hazel, thinking of you and mum. Stay strong for each other. Love,
     
  7. DaughterN

    DaughterN Registered User

    Feb 6, 2007
    14
    United States
    know the pain Hazel

    Mom is in Hospice now....exactly what you are going through with your Dad I am going thgrough with Mom....it is gut wrenching for me...she seems very calm but coughing some from the aspiration pneumonia....I pray for your Dad too...Here we are so far apart but feeling the same pain.
    Bless you Hazel......from Noreen Stephenson "DaughterN"
     
  8. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Thank you Connie, I am feeling a bit calmer today. Thank you Noreen, and yes we are in a similar place. I find this waiting so difficult, I can't concentrate on anything else. I will be thinking of you too.

    love from Hazel.
     
  9. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Hazel & Noreen

    Just to say that my thoughts are with you both. It's a terrible time, waiting for a loved one to die, wanting their suffering to be over, but not wanting to lose them.

    I know the pain you are feeling, and I know that you can both be strong enough to come through this. It will be over, and you will once more be able to remember the good times.

    Much love,
     
  10. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    Dad died this morning. I don't feel much different at the moment, except a bit numb, mixed in with some relief that it is all over. Mum and sis got to the hospital first (I was grandaughter sitting), so when I got there they'd already been to see Dad, and they were just having a cup of tea. Gave Mum a big hug and cried a little but it seemed a bit of an anti-climax. Mum seemed ok - we have had so much grief over the past years, she said she was all cried out. Mum asked if I wanted to see Dad but I didn't, she said he looked peaceful although my sister told me he'd looked just the same. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. I think it will be a slow realisation for me that it really is all over.

    Thank you all so much for all your support over the years. I'm not sure how I would have got through this without TP and all it's special people. Sis said the one good thing to have come out of all this is that we've met some lovely people who have been so kind. You are all included in that.

    Love from Hazel.
     
  11. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Thinking of you Hazel.

    Go gently on yourself.

    hugs

    Áine
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Hazel

    My thoughts are with you at this sad time. It does leave a void, and it's so difficult to know how to handle it. Just go with your own feelings. If you want to see your Dad, then do; if no, then don't. There's no right or wrong.

    Don't feel you have to leave us. We're still here for you, whenever you need us.

    Love,
     
  13. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I'm sorry about your father.

    Lila
     
  14. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,894
    Kent
    Dear Hazel, Thank you for your post. We all knew it had to come to this, but I`m sure it doesn`t make it any easier.

    I just hope it will be some consolation for you, your mother and your sister to know your dad`s suffering is over now.

    You have devoted so much to him, now devote a little to yourselves.

    Please know the friends you have made on TP will still be here for you all, should you need us.

    With love and sympathy, Sylvia xx
     
  15. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hazel, words will never be enough. Thinking of you and the family.

    Be kind to yourself. Take care, love,
     
  16. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hazel,
    Thinking of you.
    Much love, Helen
     
  17. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    3,452
    Liverpool
    I'm so sorry Hazel. Take care of yourself and remember we are always here.

    Brenda
    x
     
  18. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hazel, so sorry to hear your news.

    With love, Karen, x
     
  19. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hazel

    I was so saddened to hear your news - take care of yourself.

    Libs
     
  20. Tina

    Tina Registered User

    May 19, 2006
    420
    So sorry Hazel. Sending you and the family my condolences and sympathy.
    Tina
     

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