Completely lost my rag today

Bastan

Registered User
Feb 10, 2011
483
0
Manchester
I'm sorry to say that I lost control in the care home today.

Not my usual visiting day but there was a singing for health hr this afternoon and I thought I'd show my face and sit with Nats. Got there in time to feed him his lunch just before the session began. He has been having trouble with his catheter not draining (that's another story) so I checked to make sure it was working. It was so full it was bulging. I quietly asked if it could be emptied, waited 10mins for 2 male carers to come and they arrived with his wheel chair.

I said I didn't want him moved and could they just bring the bottle in and empty it where he was sitting, to save him being man handled and screaming. A discussion ensued about him needing to move, which I didn't understand as on several occasions it has been emptied right there in the lounge with me at his side. At this point the administrator interfered and said well it shouldn't have been and that the staff needed to wear gloves and aprons.(not sure why they couldn't wear them at his chair) I said I would do it myself if they brought the bottle, or if they told me where it was I'd get it.

One of them started to go when the administrator butted in again and said "He needs to go to the bathroom" then repeated it "He needs to go to the bathroom" So they yank him up, he screams, they put him in his wheelchair and off they go.

Not sure at this point what came over me but I said to her (admin woman) I've got to get out of here as I'm well p*ss*d off. I've not moved that fast in years, but I was up and banging on the door to be let out. I encountered the manager and I went mental. I was livid, shaking, shouting and crying all at once, "He's my husband, I'm his wife, don't tell me I can't care for him." Admin woman said "it's called dignity in care."

I went like somebody deranged, shouting "Dignity, dignity, what F ing does he have left." I stormed out and immediately turned back and started banging on the door to get back in. I had clearly not finished.

The manager took me in a quiet room and sat with me whilst I ranted and raved about Nats' dignity. I wanted to know where his dignity is when I arrive and find him covered in food, hrs after his meal. Where his dignity is when I arrive and find him sitting in **** (and stinking to high heaven). Asked who the hell the admin woman thought she was giving out orders. And told the manager she out to train her in speaking to people properly. (I can't help smiling at that comment now, given the way I was communicating!)

I told her I wanted to take him home, get him away from them. Then sobbed like a baby because I know I can't cope with him full time at home. I told her her how difficult it is to relinquish a loved one into the care of others, but then to be told I can't do something for him, which I believe to be in his best interest is unbearable.

Nothing was resolved but I calmed down enough to drive home.

I keep switching between indignation at her audacity and weeping for the loss of my husband.

My daughter will go in tomorrow to visit her dad. She will apologize for my bad language and put her view over without losing her rag! She will explain that when we are there we find it far less distressing for Nats' bag to be emptied in situ, (It is only a tap at the bottom of his leg,) rather than have him disturbed. It is less distressing for us only because it is less distressing for him.

If you've managed to stay with me this far, thanks for doing so.

love Bastan. xxx
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
O Bastan - I am so sorry, I do feel for you. It's a case of 'there but for the Grace of
God...' for many of us I'm sure. Was the manager in any way sympathetic? She should have been. As you said, it's not an easy thing to give your husband up to the care of others who don't have the same personal and deep understanding of our husbands, gleaned over many years of marriage. We know them both how they used to be and how they are now. They only know the latter - and then often not that well.

I hope you're having a glass of wine or something else to help you get over everything.
Sending much sympathy, love and understanding.XXX
 

rajahh

Registered User
Aug 29, 2008
2,790
0
Hertfordshire
I am so sad to read your post Bastan, I know that myhusband will probably have to go into care at some point, and that would horrify me beyond measure.

I agree with your feelings about knowing how to care for your husband. This is why I still do not have help in the home, Even though I find it hard, and sometimes I may cut corners, my husband's welfare is always uppermost in my mind.

I hope that after your daughter apologises, that the manager apologises too.

I hope your husband gets more thoughtful care.

Love Jeannette
 

danny

Registered User
Sep 9, 2009
3,342
0
cornwall/real name is Angela
Bastan, I`m so sorry you had to face this today. Sometimes you need to have a good old shout and swear and hopefully the care home staff will understand why.

I always say to my staff that they are there to support the carers as well.

I don`t know about emptying the leg bag in the lounge, were there any other people around. In this situation I would have a portable screen to hand.

I hope your week gets better.

Kind regards, Angela.
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
0
South Ribble
Oh Bastan, here, have a hug, (((()))) and feel the positive vibes from us coming your way!

I do feel for you.

I just read out your post to my hubby and at the end, unprompted, he said "What does she have to apologise for? If it happened as she said, I don't see what she is saying sorry for." I have to say I agree with him.

That Admin lady needs to concentrate on Admin and not get involved in decisions involving care when she is not a trained carer.

I have lost it on a couple of occasions, most notably I think with the OT who kept passing me from pillar to post. I did tearfully tell her how frustrated I was... or something like that. I was very sorry afterwards.

I have to say when it happened to me, it took me completely by surprise. I think we struggle on as carers, day after day, the tension mounting, and the exact moment at which the straw breaks the camel's back sometimes comes as a surprise!

Anyway, please take care of yourself tonight.

With love,
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,004
0
72
Dundee
Wow Bastan - good for you. I don't think you need to apologise either. Hope you're feeling a bit better now. x
 

tre

Registered User
Sep 23, 2008
1,352
0
Herts
Ok you might have been more calm and reasoned but they should try that when it is their loved one. Why put Nats through extra distress when there was an easier way to sort it . Any way, what was their explanation for not keeping an eye on the bag and emptying it earlier. This crisis would not have ensued for you if that had been done because it would have all been sorted in the bathroom or elsewhere before you arrived. I think you had every right to be aggrieved and I know exactly how you felt with regard to the spilled food etc. Once the floodgates open all the niggles come out.
They are supposed to be caring for him. Is it too much to expect he is treated as if he was their husband, father or brother. What you said on dignity was spot on, so although you might have said it in a less cross way,you were under stress and despite that your critcisms are still valid and need addressing.
With best wishes Tre
 

thatwoman

Registered User
Mar 25, 2009
1,050
0
Merseyside
Oh Bastan,

What a horrible experience for you. I understand completely where you're coming from, and if the manager doesn't, then they shouldn't be in that job. The admin woman, what a cheek! How did she come to have such influence over care?

I hope you're feeling better now. I lost it completely at work on Friday afternoon, even though it was the Nursing Home that should have got it. I had to go and apologise to half of the school this morning, and spent the weekend feeling awful, but if the right people got to see how awful they make you feel, then you go girl! Sometimes we're far too polite for our own good (and the good of our relatives.)

I hope you're being kind to yourself tonight. You're looking out for Nats, and who else could be such a powerful advocate?

Love and hugs,

Sue xxx
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,097
0
Costa Blanca Spain
I swore to myself that I would not respond to posts as having been on the site for almost six years I had nothing more to say but here I go again because your post has touched such a nerve which I can relate entirely to.

I had been asking for pain medication for months and had been told the staff hadn't seen signs of any pain. My husband is terminally ill with cancer and secondary cancer in his bones. After many many weeks of mentioning this to the staff on duty , including senior staff, I really did lose it on one occasion. Unfortunately this was in front of my son and daughter in law who live far away and were very rarely able to visit. I told the supervisor that I was sick and tired of being ignored, that I knew when my husband was in pain better than any of them and that she was personally responsible for blocking getting any proper pain medication. I had found out that after she had promised me that she would get the doctor to visit, what she actually did was phone up the surgery receptionist to inform her that I had asked for this but in her opinion my husband was not in pain. Then when I asked her she told me that the doctor had said he was getting on OK with paracetamol. My son and daughter in law really told me off about the way I spoke to her when we left that afternoon and upset me so much that I didn't tell them the circumstances as to why I'd been so strong with the supervisor - still haven't to this day as it all still upsets me.
I also know exactly what you mean about food on clothing and other issues which I (and I'm sure you also) consider to be basic care issues. I very often arrived as lunch time was finishing to find my husband covered in food, as was the table and the floor. It broke my heart completely and was the last straw for me! He had needed help with feeding for a long time but every time I mentioned this I was told that they continued to let him do it himself as it was a case of ' use it or lose it'.
I was so very, very upset that I knew I couldn't say much there and then as I would have completely lost it myself and caused such a scene. I know that I just cannot cope with the aftermath of such a dispute and it would take me weeks to get back on an even keel with the staff again. So I waited until the next day.
I went back and spoke to the manager in private. I let it all out, how his fingernails are caked in 'gunge', his clothing a mess, how on earth was he getting enough to eat when he had to chase food all over the place in the hopes of getting a morsel now and again into his mouth. He told me that Ken was given a special plate with sides to help him eat and that the staff should always be there to assist. I pointed out that Ken never had this special plate and that I had never seen anyone assisting him to eat. I also told the manager exactly what I'd found out about the pain relief and the paracetamol.
Fortunately the district nurse was on the premises so we went to speak to her about pain medication. She looked at the records and pointed out that he had had one paracetamol on Thursday and that was the only medication he had had for pain until Monday morning when he had been given one more paracetamol tablet! She said that my husband was prescribed paracetamol every four hours and why had this not been given? The manager was very, very embarassed! Within 24 hours Ken was getting the paracetamol, he was being fed or assisted with all meals and had the special bowl he needed. Within two weeks the doctor came whilst I was present and put Ken on morphine.
That was two months ago and quite honestly the difference is amazing! I have seen Ken without pain and being fed carefully with food which has been minced or cut fine. He is doing wonderfully well and the difference in his agitation and general wellbeing is enormous!
My husband is in what I conisider to be a good, basic care home where the carers do care and the level of care is on the whole as good as they can do but in some circumstances I'm afraid some staff consider that their experience is far greater than a relative (even though I visited every single day and stayed for hours so knew very well every sign in my husband). The upset and worry all this caused me from September last until almost Christmas cannot be described.
I do understand and fully sympathise with your outburst. Let's hope that some good can come of it. I would say though that it a waste of your time and emotions to argue with the staff present at the time. Arrange to see the person in overall charge. Bide your time and then explain how you cannot tolerate whatever it is that is wrong.

Best wishes to you from one very caring wife to another.

xxTinaT
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Hello Bastan,
I am so sorry you had to go through this and totally understandable that you lost it today.

My husband's Nursing Home is excellent but I have had big issues about toileting routines. They know how extremely annoyed I am if he is not changed regularly and to me Nat's catheter being too full is the same. It should be emptied regularly and if so you would not have had a problem today.

When I had a serious issue I always confirmed in writing exactly what I expect and I remain on good terms with all levels - they nearly always respond that they would wish the same for their own.

I see no reason for apologizing for your annoyance. You need an apology and some reassurance that this will never happen again.

Hope you can relax a little tonight. Best wishes
 

sammie

Registered User
Aug 2, 2007
21
0
west yorkshire
hi

firstly i think procedures sometimes outweigh common sense sometimes. where was the common sense in having your relative upset that like. however on the flip side of this coin they do have to follow protocol etc. but your only human and we all get frustrated and angry ( i know i have ) no need to apologize and they should be supporting you .

and what is it with admin people ?
 

piedwarbler

Registered User
Aug 3, 2010
7,189
0
South Ribble
Thanks for your post Tina and specially your comments about pain relief, they have given me more confidence to keep plugging away, for Mum.
It's not my thread but just wanted to tell you how useful your post felt to me x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
Bastan
I wanted to know where his dignity is when I arrive and find him covered in food, hrs after his meal. Where his dignity is when I arrive and find him sitting in **** (and stinking to high heaven).
There is no case to answer. It sounds like today`s incident Bastan , was the last straw.

TinaT Within 24 hours Ken was getting the paracetamol, he was being fed or assisted with all meals and had the special bowl he needed. Within two weeks the doctor came whilst I was present and put Ken on morphine.
That was two months ago and quite honestly the difference is amazing!
And again Tina, you should not have had to battle for this.
 

Nan2seven

Registered User
Apr 11, 2009
2,525
0
Dorset
Dear Bastan,

Do not apologise. Do not let your daughter apologise on your behalf.
They should be apologising to you for their lack of care in not having seen to dear Nats' catheter and bottle.
Put what happened to-day in writing. All of it.
Send it to the CH manager and ask that a copy be kept on Nats' file.

And dear Tina, I am appalled to read of what was happening re lack of pain relief for your dear Ken. I am so glad to see you have now got it sorted out. The difference in Ken must be clear for all to see. As Sylvia says, you should not have had to fight for it.

Thinking of you both, Bastan and Tina, and sending love,
Nan XXX
 

PurpleJay

Registered User
Nov 2, 2011
169
0
Derbyshire
I have nothing particularly constructive to add to the other posts but just wanted to say that you are under a lot of stress and it is understandable that you blew your top. I hope the manager at the CH was supportive and will speak to the staff concerned and make sure they up their standard of care so that you are reassured. If your concerns are not properly addressed, I too think you should put them in writing.

Sending hugs.

Jane x
 

Haylett

Registered User
Feb 4, 2011
1,144
0
Hi Bastan, agree with all of the above. No-one can ever care about Nats like you do - but you have placed your faith in the home and entrusted Nats to their care. The others are right: you have nothing to apologise for. Putting process before people is not care. Had they ensured that Nats was comfortable earlier, the situation of where to empty the bag would not have arisen. Their issue and for them to explain to you, not vice versa.

Putting it in writing is a good idea - apart from anything else, it's easy to forget what happened when, when you are upset. If you have a record, it's easier to argue your case and harder to ignore - and I'm very sympathetic that you are probably desperately tired after visits, so to have yet another thing to do is hard - but see if you can try - even if only in point form - that would be fine, I would think.

Bastan, I'm so sorry you were upset - but it's good to see you in fighting spirit - far better than just accepting that nothing can be done. Head high, Bastan. Head high.
 

muriel.elliott

Registered User
Aug 21, 2010
504
0
Berkshire
I feel so sorry for you Bastan. You certainly have nothing to apologise for. I think i would have done and said exactly the same in your position. I know with Bryan it was so uncomfortable for him to be moved any more than absolutely necessary.
I must say the Nursing Home that Bryan was in was e]really brilliant to him and to us. He was only there 4 weeks before he passed away that they loved him to bits and even managed to bring a smile to his face when we could not. They were so good to us when he passed away too. If he had to be anywhere other than here with me when he passed away i was so pleased he was where he was. He was not alone - it was like !home from home!.
Love and hugs Muriel xxx
p.s crying again! :confused:
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,117
0
Scotland
Dear Bastan

I deeply feel for you and can only echo what everyone else has said. Including what the heck did any of it have to do with an administrator?

I can understand you feeling you owe an apology, I probably would also feel like that, but why should you apologise when what you said was both justified and in the best interests of Nats? I might feel I should apologise for my language, but nothing else that I said. I hope the manager did show you some compassion.

Completely losing my rag has not yet happened to me, but I know one day it could happen. Pied's words are so true...
I think we struggle on as carers, day after day, the tension mounting, and the exact moment at which the straw breaks the camel's back sometimes comes as a surprise!
Saffie's words particularly say how we a feel:
As you said, it's not an easy thing to give your husband up to the care of others who don't have the same personal and deep understanding of our husbands, gleaned over many years of marriage. We know them both how they used to be and how they are now. They only know the latter - and then often not that well.
Sue, you are right when you say:
Sometimes we're are too polite for our own good (and the good of our relatives.)
I feel the new girl with Henry only having been in care for almost eight months and sometimes think all the things I want to address may be 'trivial'. But a loved one's dignity and welfare are parmount to us.

The longer my husband is there the more I am gradually inwardly screaming about seeing what I feel is a slipping of personal care. Plus more. One day I may be taken by surprise and completely lose my rag and swear and shock them.

Don't feel bad about it, Bastan, it probably did you some good to totally blow, and may have given them food for thought. I hope so - as it did for Tina.

With my love
Loo xx
 

Bastan

Registered User
Feb 10, 2011
483
0
Manchester
You are such a supportive lot. Thank you so much for replying and offering your understanding and support. Even though I know how great you all are, I still feel overwhelmed that you take time to respond in this way.

My Daughter will not be apologizing for my outburst, as she will tell the manager that she agrees with what I said 100%. However she will apologize for my very bad language, which I do wish I had better control of. It just pours out of my mouth when I get really upset and angry. My mother obviously didn't use strong enough soap when I was little. Ha, ha.

Tina, I had trouble with Nats paracetomal prescription just last week.......A few months ago I was told he was on two, four times a day as it had been found that a regular dose of this simple pain relief could lift mood in dementia patients. And it really did work. I had a chat with his consultant and remarked to her that I found this amazing. She agreed it is amazing and that the power of the little paracetamol should never be under estimated........Then last whilst giving him his medication with his evening meal I noticed it was missing. I inquired where it was and was told "Oh he is off it now." Of course I wanted to know why, however, nobody knew. The nurse said if I insisted then he could have them and she would get the doctor to write it up for him......."Excuse me, if I insist???, surely it's either good for him or it isn't. Are you telling me he's had his quota of mood lifting experience" The nurse was a little shocked by my response and said she'd sort it. I didn't shout or swear then, honest!!!

I am so glad you got it sorted, as Ken's need was for pain you knew about. And your post to me not only helped me but also Pied. So really glad you sent it, and with six years experience you will have a wealth of knowledge to share.

Sylvia, Yes the last straw, but I think what made me flip was an admin worker taking charge over my husband, taking my wishes out of my control and leaving me somehow very vulnerable.

Thanks Nan for your advice on putting this in writing. Not something I am good at, but I will try.

Sammie, Protocol.........say no more!!!!!

thatwoman (love your name) I learnt to be a great advocate during my fostering years. I allowed S/S to totally mess up the lives of two children I'd had in my care for 18months. When I say allowed I mean I didn't fight hard enough against the decision that was made about their lives when they left me. I never want to let anyone down like that again.


Tre, Izzy,Pied, Danny, Beckyjan Saffie Rajahh, Kassy PurpleJay, thankyou for replies I am so grateful to evrybody. I just can't write anymore, my eyes are closing, my head hurts and my poor throat is raw from all that shouting.

Much love Bastan
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
Your inner crocodile took over!

Hi Bastan, we all lose is sometimes. :eek: Please don't beat yourself up thinking somehow you could have kept control that time. You can learn to prepare better to deal with that particular situation, but you'll have other occasions in life where you 'lose it', we all do.

What happened was that your panic button was pressed. You felt so threatened (by not being able to protect Nats from people messing him about) that a full flight-or-flight response kicked in. This is called an Amygdala Hijack. It comes from a very primitive part of the brain, so basically your inner crocodile was temporarily in charge! :eek:

You had a right to express your feelings when provoked. Trouble is, when provoked too far, Vesuvius erupted. Then you felt really horrible afterwards. This is not only because you were upset and embarrassed, but because as your body's level of stress hormones returned to normal you felt physically cr**. :( It can take up to 4 hours after an Amygdala Hijack for these hormones to be cleared out of your bloodstream. No wonder you felt tired and drained. The headache was probably from toxins released during the physical storm. Make sure you drink plenty of water today, and it will help the sore throat as well.


Here are some links to YouTube videos that explain why you can't help experiencing Amygdala Hijack:

Good quick intro to fight or flight response: Emotional Arousal - The Fight or Flight Reaction http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trPuXkbTpok&feature=related

Following on: Amygdala Hijack - emotional arousal out of control! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0VOgGPUtRI

Slightly bonkers American with some interesting thoughts: Amygdala hijacking - Don't let it happen to you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM3cXZ7CFls&feature=related


Hope this gives you food for thought. If nothing else, when faced with obstructive people, perhaps you could retain control by thinking "Don't mess with me or you'll meet my inner crocodile"!
 
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