Recommended thread Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by Grannie G, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. denah

    denah Registered User

    Jul 26, 2011
    Thank you for this Compassionate Communication. I have just found this site & so needed these wise words as I care for my husband.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Welcome Denah

    I hope you find talking Point supportive.

    Please post and share your experiences. It`s what helps us get through.
  3. worriedson1

    worriedson1 Registered User

    Jan 30, 2012
    I've just read all this thread, have to say sadly i am guilty of most of the Dont's:(:(

    Reading this rest of the thread actually makes me feel like a human being and i do my utmost to help my mother.

    "The Guilt Monster" is a vile creature as i know i try my best to care for my mother. i try to be perfect when none of us are.
  4. nannychuck

    nannychuck Registered User


    I am new to Talking Point and already feel as if I am not the monster I thought I was. My husband has vascular dementia, diagnosed about 3 years ago. My grown up children are great and help out as much as they can, but today my youngest daughter and her dad had an argument which was both upsetting for them and for those in the same room. The problem is their personalities are so alike. They are both pigheaded and both think they are always right and know best.

    I have been very distressed by the whole thing, and whilst reading up on dementia yet again I found your thread. I found it really interesting and have to say sometimes I am not as understanding and forgiving as I could be. Neither are my children. But I have sent them a copy of the thread which I know will give them further insight into their fathers worsening condition.

    Thank you so much for being there and supporting us.
  5. ethel

    ethel Registered User

    Jan 14, 2012
    Thank You Grannie G

    I too have just read this thread and I am guilty of all the DONTS I will print this out and show rest of the family and try much harder to understand. I love my Mum but can be very difficult sometimes But will try harder!!
  6. Cecilia

    Cecilia Registered User

    Jan 31, 2012
    Thank you so much. I have sent this link round the family and printed and put it on the carers notice lard. No excuse now for anyone not to use compassionate communication. I am going to laminate it and put it with the two cards I have by the door which explains who and what problems my mum & dad have so new visitors know before they meet them.

  7. wdfortyplus

    wdfortyplus Registered User

    Feb 23, 2010

    ....there is so much we are getting wrong. But some things we do right. Have emailed that to my partner and her sister. I know things are a learning curve.
  8. hollycat

    hollycat Registered User

    Nov 20, 2011
    You are not getting anything wrong or the rest of us you are


    you can't get anything right or wrong when you are learning !

    And to really cheer you up, we never stop learning, so we never get anything right or anything wrong, we just learn.

    I have just posted this in reply as it has helped me with my attitude towards everything and it seems to work. Hope it helps ?
  9. carpe diem

    carpe diem Registered User

    Nov 16, 2011
    Why don't the AS give a copy of this thread out with diagnosis?
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
  11. kayjay

    kayjay Registered User

    Mar 8, 2012
    Good advice

    I think I must have done all the "don't"s with my Mum last year......I found it very hard to know what to say....and am now starting to face the same problems with Dad - he's being assessed for dementia at present. I find it so hard to tell the little white lies....I was brought up to be honest, and feel awfully guilty if I deliberately lie. But I guess the thing is to keep him as happy as wasn't possible with Mum, she was always upset, and wanting me to do impossible things, which I found dreadfully stressful. When she died in July it was a relief.

    I'm looking to get some more counselling, in the hope it will make it easier to deal with Dad as his problems progress.
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
  13. kayjay

    kayjay Registered User

    Mar 8, 2012
  14. keywest67

    keywest67 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2012
    Really Helpful tips

    Thankyou, i will give a copy of this to the rest of the family and we will do our best to follow it, i think everyones instinct at first is to correct, remind and reason yet its the worse thing we can do, i think we need to concentrate of the distraction technique and reassure as much as possible.
    Thanks again
  15. mrs pepperpot

    mrs pepperpot Registered User

    Nov 12, 2010
    south wales
    i needed this for the rest of my family. thank you grannie g.
  16. MISSJM

    MISSJM Registered User

    Mar 19, 2012
    So glad I found this. I can see now where I've been going wrong and it only leads to confrontation.

    My biggest issue at the moment is that I've discovered only in the past week or two that Mum can't read. It happened when I was allowed take her out of hospital to visit the grave. She stood initially at the wrong grave and later called me over to where she claimed she was standing at a deceased neighbours headstone. It wasn't his, the name wasn't even remotely like his. I then sat back and tested it a bit and realised that she is either pretending she can read or is certainly not seeing what is in front of her but seeing something else. This morning a card arrived in the post and she told me it was from a cousin of hers. I checked it later and it wasn't, again the name not even remotely like that. I get frustrated because I'm concerned.
  17. SisterAct

    SisterAct Registered User

    Thank you tp

    We were also doing all the donts and this guide was so helpful. Still have our little blips but we are only human.

    We take this if Dad has to go in hospital as this has been the most upsetting place for him (and us).
    Last time he was in for a week we actually had a nurse thank us. He said he'd learnt so much from the way we handled and spoke to Dad and looking at our copy of Compassionate Communication, how badly he and the rest of the staff had been coping with dementia patients.

    Polly x
  18. Hbick

    Hbick Registered User

    Jun 2, 2012
    Thanks this will be so helpful. :)
  19. small

    small Registered User

    Jul 6, 2010
    Wow, this is a biggie!
    I will have to learn more of these strategies. My husband is just becoming harder and harder to live with. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall in so many directions at the moment that I don't know how to carve out an acceptable life together without me losing the plot or my temper!!
    The memory nurse gave me similar advice early on but I felt I was getting swamped by John. He is very authoritarian and very needy at the same time as being unable to make rational decisions or choices. When he insists on an irrational path for BOTH of us so many times a day life gets very wearing and very like a battle field every day.
    I will redouble my efforts at distraction and re-phrasing suggestions (he is convinced I'm trying to "rule" his life, while insisting on ordering me around)
    I htink the references to things he should remember or things he has ****** up or unravelled, could definately be handled differently.
    I also am going to try and print it out for me and the friend who helps look after him.

    Let me add my thanks for resurrecting this thread.

  20. Butter

    Butter Registered User

    Jan 19, 2012
    we should keep this high up on the list thread with regular positive comments!
    It is brilliant - but I do find it demands super powers ....

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