Recommended thread Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by Grannie G, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    @Mum1945 , I'm going to comment over on your other thread, so as not to hijack this one further.
  2. MaryH

    MaryH Registered User

    Jun 16, 2016
    Ottawa, Canada
    okay.. The link on page 1 does not work but have email the compassionate communication to myself. Being trained as an engineer, more on factual but they are in the don'ts..
  3. elkmaster

    elkmaster New member

    Dec 22, 2017
    This is very helpful indeed. Me, the son and my mother's partner have made a lot of these mistakes...we have not meant to!
    I am gonna print this off and hopefully change the way we communicate with my mum. She and her partner are always arguing and he always seems to start a sentence with a question and rambles on...they are both 80s.
    I have tried talking to him gently about it and he says 'yeah yeah', but might not be able to change behaviour/adapt.
    I get frustrated when I hear it but can't say much as it would cause a row and he would say I was bullying him.
    My Mum says hurtful things sometimes and hard not to take it personally but most of the time I don't.
    Will try the above cues/techniques to stear the conversation to another topic.
    I am glad of this forum as want my mum to be in as much peace as possible throughout this dreadful illness.
    Kind regards
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @elkmaster Welcome to the forum.

    I'm pleased you've found something to help . Even though it will be difficult to follow at all times it is still good advice.

    I think we sometimes realise how inappropriate attitudes are when we hear them from others rather than ourselves. It is a very steep learning curve and some of us only realise when it is too late.

    Please start your own thread if you wish , on the sub forum I care for a person with dementia.

    This way you will find it easy to access all your replies and support.
  5. JanP

    JanP Registered User

    Nov 22, 2017
    Thankyou for sharing
  6. PJ

    PJ Registered User

    Jan 26, 2017
    I imagine most of us do the ‘Dont’s’ please don’t feel bad xx
  7. DaisyCat

    DaisyCat Registered User

    Dec 2, 2017
    Thank you for posting this! I really need to work on the DON'TS!
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Its a very tall order especially for 24/7 primary carers who need to be angelic to comply with the full piece. However it is a very good rule of thumb and something we can all aim for.
  9. janey58

    janey58 New member

    Nov 7, 2017
    Yatton, North Somerset
    Thank you for this. What a lot to remember when you are just starting on this journey with a loved one as I am with my Mum.
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    No one can be expected to remember it all @janey58. It`s a good base line and worth refreshing ourselves with it occasionally.
  11. Raindancer11

    Raindancer11 New member

    Apr 6, 2018
    Thank you so much for this little gem! I have just printed it off.
  12. lena42

    lena42 Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    Thank you for your reply,as a carer i am always being told by my daughter that my health is important as without me my husband would be lost. However things happened that i had no control over and i nearly died at xmas. This i guess is constantly on his mind,
  13. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    I'm glad you used the link as this is one of the first threads I came upon on the site and found it so useful that I make a point of passing on the link.
    One of the things that I have noticed with my wife is that her short term memory no longer functions to any great extent unless some strong negative emotion is involved. Your illness probably caused fear and that may cause the event to be recalled often as the life of a PWD(person with dementia) can be ruled by confusion, fear and anxiety.
    Good communication, reassurance and empathy can help greatly, even if it can get tiring to be repeating the same reassurances time and time again - the strong emotion of fear seems to me to be remembered, but the reassurance isn't!
  14. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    Oh, just reading this post has made me cry and made me realise how rubbish I am with my mum! We are always clashing and I get so exasperated but now I know I need to take a step back, have patience and much, much more understanding. Thank you
  15. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    @Cazzita You are not rubbish. You are trying your hardest against a cruel, changeable disease. I wish you strength.
  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello @Cazzita

    As @Cat27 you are not rubbish , you are doing the best you can.

    Compassionate Communication is a guide only. It`s a very tall order and we would all be saints if we could stay with it all the time.

    It`s just an aid to show us where we may be mistaken in our approach and if we can learn something and if it helps someone, it is doing it`s job.
  17. Cazzita

    Cazzita Registered User

    May 12, 2018
    Thank you Cat27 and Granny G for your reassurances. Today I have cried a fair bit about all this dementia stuff (and she isn't even diagnosed yet!) but yes, it is a cruel disease that is changing all of us involved. I am sad for my mum that she is changing so much. Why does life have to be this cruel? Bad day but tomorrow is a new day and I will try and approach things differently, try not to get so frustrated with her and be much more accepting. You are all bloody saints on here - you really are - and I have so much admiration for everything you and going through. I know I will be on here a lot in the years to come. Thanks again xx
  18. Magnetic

    Magnetic Registered User

    Apr 18, 2016
    This advice has been so helpful..I think I have been repeating all the don'ts daily.I have sent it on to my adult children also.It has given me a goal to practice these new ways of responding to my husband.Thank you
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello @Magnetic and welcome to Talking Point.

    Im glad you have found this helpful. I think we all find it all too easy to do the "donts"! Please dont worry if you cant follow it all the time, its near impossible when you are tired and stressed!!

    Do have a look around the forum, join in any of the conversations and do feel free to start a new topic if you wish to talk/ask about something specific
  20. Lady M

    Lady M Registered User

    Sep 15, 2018

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