I was unable to keep my cool with my mum today and that's made me feel terrible and mum upset. She knows she has to see the specialist next weekend and tell them the truth about everything, about deciding she is no longer safe to drive as well as all the other problems she's been having. Here our issue starts because she's "much better now" she's accepted she has dementia and can't drive but otherwise "there aren't any problems". She has a trip to her specialist next weekend, I was supposed to go last time but mum made such a fuss that dad made me stay at home, the time before that she had refused to let me go with her again, the first time when I told them what had been happening at home she called me a liar. I'm supposed to be going this time but again she doesn't want me there. I had over an hour of her telling me how much better she was and how she knows she has a problem "in here" whilst patting her head but again she's "much better now". It's her precursor for telling me that she and dad are going to the specialist without me. She keeps trying to cut me out of any decisions or medical treatment and I finally told her that I hadn't sold my flat in England to move to Gozo and live with them as her carer just to be ignored or shut out when people need to know what's really going on. See I know that she and dad gloss over the problems, gloss over the fact that things are definitely worse now than they were a year ago, and I don't want them to do that. How can the specialist do their job, prescribe the right medication, up the dose if necessary, if they aren't told the truth? I know it's the right thing for me to be there but it doesn't stop mum from crying when, in frustration, I ask her why she asked me to help her if she won't accept that help. She claims she isn't in denial but one day she tells people she has dementia and the next she's crying and begging me not to tell anyone about it ever. She won't let us put together a power of attorney whilst she's still mentally aware enough to be able to and dad won't push for it, but without it we will have no say in her care or her finances without going through a court battle here in Malta. It's so hard to see her so wrapped up in fear, to see her unable to understand logic because now everything is so encased in that fear she can't get past the emotional jumble and roller coaster that is in her mind. Today has been a bad day for both of us and for dad, she can't follow instructions because she can't remember them or can't remember what one of the words means but she won't admit to that instead she'll do it wrong and then argue with us about it. Afterwards she will say she's sorry and she'll try harder. No matter how much I tell her I love her and that she doesn't have to try harder it doesn't help because she doesn't remember and next time something happens and she cries I feel like I'm the one making her feel worse when I only want to help. She wails "I didn't do anything wrong" and I feel like such a ***** because I didn't mean to make her cry, I didn't want to shout at her, I was just scared for her. Several times I've had to stop her doing something that could hurt her, like putting metal in the microwave, and it's worrying. I know she's already scared and worried about her dementia and I don't want to make it worse but the frustration doesn't go away, it eats at my reservoir of patience every day and then, one day, I snap and say something I shouldn't or in a way that just isn't nice or compassionate and I hate myself for it. I'm not sure I even have a question today, I think I just needed to rant a little and this is a safe outlet.