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Coming to terms with the loss of my Mum (97).

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
Thank you very much, @Kikki21.

I hope you have a lovely 2020 in your new home.

We'll be moving 2 weeks today and have loads to do, so I'll be going offline soon - probably tomorrow - and wish everyone on this wonderful forum a very happy & healthy New Year, and that if anyone is having a particularly stressful time, that they'll get through it and things will improve. xx

Thank you so much as well @Marcelle123 & I wish you & your husband a very happy new start to 2020 in your new home as well!
I hope you will have a happy & joyous New Year! Xx
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
We've been in our house for eight days now, and today handed back the keys of our rental in York. We were happy there, and it was quiet and very central, so I had a lump in my throat, but we are both so pleased to be shot of the burden of being in someone else's house and worried if you spill something or grate your chair on the wooden floor.

We should get most of our deposit back, though it will take two or three weeks, so that's good too.

The relentless process of getting men round and unpacking and finding places to put things continues. Tomorrow, I dread a visit to the dentist to have a fractured wisdom tooth extracted. It's all a case of early to bed and getting up early - there'll be a nine o'clock visit tomorrow (also) to get our washing machine plumbed in.

But we are glad to be in. I love life in this North Yorkshire gem. And though I never visited Easingwold with my mother, I find the process continuing, ever since we moved back to Yorkshire, of having all sorts of childhood memories resurfacing again, and pangs of sadness assail me as I remember that I can't enjoy chatting to Mum about them any more.

I have five brothers and sisters, but two of them are virtually estranged, and another two 'polite but distant', so it's only my eldest sister that I can talk to now about these memories, and because she's eight years older than me, we don't always have the same ones.

I regret so much that my younger sister 'turned on me' when I was organising Mum's care. I have kept it polite with her, refused to give her the breach that she wanted at the time, and I'm glad of that. But now that I know how she feels about me, and how she has persistently misconstrued my motives & personality, things can never really be the same. We write to each other but it's very formal, so I count her as 'estranged' emotionally. The other one that I am rarely in contact with is my younger brother. His wife forced him to choose between his mother and family and her, so we only ever get 'business'-type emails from him.

So the past is lost to me, except for these fugitive memories, which I can, however, share with my husband - we have a very intense relationship.

It has taken us two years, since Mum's death, to relocate back up North. What a struggle! But it has definitely been worth it.
 
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Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,268
East Midlands
We've been in our house for eight days now, and today handed back the keys of our rental in York. We were happy there, and it was quiet and very central, so I had a lump in my throat, but we are both so pleased to be shot of the burden of being in someone else's house and worried if you spill something or grate your chair on the wooden floor.

We should get most of our deposit back, though it will take two or three weeks, so that's good too.

The relentless process of getting men round and unpacking and finding places to put things continues. Tomorrow, I dread a visit to the dentist to have a fractured wisdom tooth extracted. It's all a case of early to bed and getting up early - there'll be a nine o'clock visit tomorrow (also) to get our washing machine plumbed in.

But we are glad to be in. I love life in this North Yorkshire gem. And though I never visited Easingwold with my mother, I find the process continuing, ever since we moved back to Yorkshire, of having all sorts of childhood memories resurfacing again, and pangs of sadness assail me as I remember that I can't enjoy chatting to Mum about them any more.

I have five brothers and sisters, but two of them are virtually estranged, and another two 'polite but distant', so it's only my eldest sister that I can talk to now about these memories, and because she's eight years older than me, we don't always have the same ones.

I regret so much that my younger sister 'turned on me' when I was organising Mum's care. I have kept it polite with her, refused to give her the breach that she wanted at the time, and I'm glad of that. But now that I know how she feels about me, and how she has persistently misconstrued my motives & personality, things can never really be the same. We write to each other but it's very formal, so I count her as 'estranged' emotionally. The other one that I am rarely in contact with is my younger brother. His wife forced him to choose between his mother and family and her, so we only ever get 'business'-type emails from him.

So the past is lost to me, except for these fugitive memories, which I can, however, share with my husband - we have a very intense relationship.

It has taken us two years, since Mum's death, to relocate back up North. What a struggle! But it has definitely been worth it.
I hope everything goes well with the tooth! I absolutely hate the dentist. I have found a good one but I can’t afford to go & see her due to this stupid situation. I’m so glad that despite the upheaval in moving back up North that both of you feel that it is worth it.

I don’t know if you can recall but I do have 3 half sisters, they are all 20 years older than me & all live in Australia. The oldest one has nothing to do with me at all. Never shown any interest in me. The middle & youngest sister have from time to time messaged me but it seems very difficult to establish communication with them. They are my closest family on my dad’s side. I was a bit shocked by my middle sister telling me that they didn’t know that my dad was so ill - so it seems that my mum either didn’t know or didn’t tell anyone, even me when he went into hospital. I did explain that had I known then of course I would have told them. I never expected my middle sister to help me out financially but seeing as she is very wealthy, I did think nothing ventured, nothing gained & I haven’t had to ask her for anything for 50 years! Family situations are never easy. I don’t have much family on my mum’s side but my mum’s passing has brought us closer together.
The rest of my dad’s family have not really given me any time at all. Most of all the cousin who renounced as executor whose behaviour at the funeral was shocking as well! Xx
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
The sharp sadness, regret or guilt has kept assailing me, particularly when I wake up in the night. But a week or two ago I woke and began this cycle of unpleasant thoughts, and part of my brain pointed out to me that I had had many happy times with my mother before dementia kicked in - she came to live near me, and died twenty-two years after that move.

But for fifteen years or so we took her out for day trips, had her to Sunday lunch, had her for Christmas, played cribbage with her and neighbours, helped her with the garden, took her shopping.

Dementia spoiled it all for the last seven years that she was living in my town. But despite all the misery of her later years, I was there for her. Despite the odd spat, I did my duty and she was often affectionate and always knew who I was. I went to see her every day that she was in hospital, found her a marvellous care home, and visited her then between four and seven times a week.


This thought gives me a lot of peace, and now when I get a stabbing memory of Mum's loss, I think instead of the happy times before she developed dementia, and the many moments of contentment that she had even in the troubled times.

I hope I am starting to turn the corner, two and a half years on.

She and I have been so fortunate to miss the miseries of this dreadful virus too.

My hear goes out to all people in care homes, all carers there and in the home, all people worried about their elderly spouses, parents, friends and relations.


Praying that this ordeal will pass soonn.
 
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Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
It`s so good to hear from you @Marcelle123

It is especially good to hear however deep the grief, the feelings of sadness, regret and guilt, they do fade in time to allow better memories to surface.

Thank you for posting.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
It`s so good to hear from you @Marcelle123

It is especially good to hear however deep the grief, the feelings of sadness, regret and guilt, they do fade in time to allow better memories to surface.

Thank you for posting.
Thank you very much, Sylvia, and thank you for all the work you do for this wonderful supportive forum.

All the black print is because of worsening cataracts! I am afraid it all looks a bit teacherly. :)
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,247
69
Dundee
I’m glad to hear that you feel you’re turning a corner @Marcelle123.

I don’t think grief ever goes away but it eventually changes into something we can manage, for want of a better word.

Wishing you continued strength..
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
When my cataracts were bad @Marcelle123 I was able to invert the colours and it made using the computer so much easier.

Do you have that facility?
I am not sure. My computer is very old. But I will ask my husband, who used to work in IT, and maybe he will be able to organise something on his computer, or when I get a new one - just waiting to order one till lockdown conditions are a lot easier.

Thank you very much for the suggestion, @Grannie G . Part of me is glad that my operation has been delayed, and part of me is worried that my eyesight will be damaged by the wait. It is always good to hear from those who've been successfully treated, and I think I'm just a scaredy-cat.
:)
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
I’m glad to hear that you feel you’re turning a corner @Marcelle123.

I don’t think grief ever goes away but it eventually changes into something we can manage, for want of a better word.

Wishing you continued strength..
Thank you, @Izzy.
I agree. I will miss my Mum to the end of my life, but I am grateful that my thoughts of her are not quite so painful now.

Thank you too for the work you do on this forum. It was such a help to me when we were so worried about Mum's progress.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,116
Kent
Part of me is glad that my operation has been delayed, and part of me is worried that my eyesight will be damaged by the wait. It is always good to hear from those who've been successfully treated, and I think I'm just a scaredy-cat. :)
I`d be surprised if your eyesight will be damaged by the wait @Marcelle123.

I waited until I had nothing to lose because I only have sight in the one eye and was frightened if anything should go wrong.

Immediately after the surgery I looked out of the window and was able to see individual branches of the trees. It was amazing. When I got out of hospital a day later it looked as if the world had been spring cleaned.


I wish the same for you.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
3,992
south-east London
I am also glad that you are able to think more and more of the happier times @Marcelle123.

Like you, I also feel so fortunate that we didn't have to go through the extra stresses of lockdown and isolation as part of our experience. My heart goes out to all those who have endured or are going through that at this time.

I wish you well for when your operation does come through and I am glad that you are feeling more positive about that, having heard @Grannie G 's experience.


Keep posting :)
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
I am also glad that you are able to think more and more of the happier times @Marcelle123.

Like you, I also feel so fortunate that we didn't have to go through the extra stresses of lockdown and isolation as part of our experience. My heart goes out to all those who have endured or are going through that at this time.

I wish you well for when your operation does come through and I am glad that you are feeling more positive about that, having heard @Grannie G 's experience.


Keep posting :)
Thank you, Lynne.
Wishing you all the best with your life too, and thanks for your work on this fabulous forum.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
Lockdown has had the effect on me of being more aware of how my life is passing. I get memories of Mum so often, but the other day I at least dreamed of her as a young woman meeting my Dad. Usually in my dreams and in the memories that pop into my mind I remember the horrible aspects of her dementia, of silly ideas she had and nasty things she said to me.

I have had my cataract operation. It went pear-shaped - the first lens wouldn't unfold properly and in the end the young surgeon decided to take it out. But they're designed to stay in, not come out, and he had to dig away at the lens with a pair of scissors, which damaged my cornea. When I got off the table, all the colours seemed bright and I thought it had been a success despite being on the table for twice as long as usual. But by the time John had driven me home, I realised that I was blind - it was like peering through a bowl of milk. My cornea had swollen right up.

I phoned the hospital and saw the surgeon that afternoon and the next day. By that time he'd spoken to his colleagues and prescribed me a specialised saline drug which drew the water out of my swollen cornea. It improved very slowly and for three days I felt such angst - my eyesight would be slightly better during the day, then revert to milk in the morning.

Now, I'm still on the drug and see very well out of my left eye, much better than before, except that I can't read number plates properly so won't be able to drive till I get the other one done - which I'm dreading, even though my right eye is now the bad eye and is getting worse by the week. I have seen my surgeon twice and will see him again in just over three weeks time. He's been very good - it wasn't his fault that the lens was defective. I did not and do not blame him, and I am grateful that I don't, because the despair I felt at first would have been unbearable if I'd also felt bitterness and anger.

It is nice to be back here again. I left because I found it upsetting to read about dementia and all the anguish it causes. But I'm now beginning to come to terms with it all, and seeing my Mum's life in more perspective, seeing her as she used to be. In a couple of weeks' time it will be the centenary of her birth, and Dad's centenary too, because they were born on the very same day - 27th November 1920. But my Dad died of a heart attack aged 48 - he only got half Mum's innings.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,923
South coast
Hello @Marcelle123 , it is good to see you again, although Im sorry to hear about your cataract op.

My mum died about 3 and a half years ago. It can be hard to come to terms with the loss, although I am now (mostly) remembering the good times.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,809
Yorkshire
Hello @Marcelle123 , it is good to see you again, although Im sorry to hear about your cataract op.

My mum died about 3 and a half years ago. It can be hard to come to terms with the loss, although I am now (mostly) remembering the good times.
Thank you, @canary . At least my experience has made me so grateful for the gift of sight and all these lovely autumn colours. I don't suppose we will ever entirely get over the loss of our mothers, but it does help to have somewhere to talk about it. Wishing you all the best. xx
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,949
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Marcelle123 . I’m sorry your operation didn’t go to plan. I hope the next one goes without a hitch.

My mum died 11 years ago on November 29th and my dad a couple of years ago just before Christmas so this is always a melancholic time of year for me. I don’t think we ever get over the loss of people so we’ve loved, I miss my aunt (mum’s twin) too. I’m sure they wouldn’t want me to be upset though so I try to focus on the positive memories. They all had good lives even if the end wasn’t what we’d wish for!

It gets easier as time goes by..
 
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