Coming to terms with the loss of my Mum (97).

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Marcelle123, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    Thank you, @Kikki21 - I know the feeling.

    We keep popping up and down - we're renting 13 miles away - and it is lovely when we are there, so peaceful. But we keep wishing we could do it all at once! :)

    Glad to read that you're in your new house and getting things the way you want them.
    I hope you both will be very happy there. xx
     
  2. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,199
    Female
    East Midlands
    It all takes time doesn’t it! I currently have a bug again so I’m not doing much & resting up. I say another bug but I don’t think the last bug I had in October ever 100% shifted away so now I am sniffling again! I want to go out shopping in a bit for the new house anyway as I have some good news - finally - which I will reveal in my thread! Xx
     
  3. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    On December 15th, it was the second anniversary of my mother's death. Though I still haven't managed to cry, I've found myself thinking a lot, remembering new things from my childhood, and feeling a sort of ache - missing her, and regretting the last years of dementia and the way they spoiled everything. And at night I've begun dreaming of Mum being still alive, with all the worry of her living on her own with the disease - the crises, the unpredictability.

    I'm recording this because I myself find it helpful to read of how other people cope with loss. I hope these jagged memories of dementia will soften over time.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,169
    Kent
    I think you are crying inside.

    It will soon be six years since my husband died and that ache still visits, particularly on special occasions and when I`m not busy.

    The memories of dementia have softened and only the better times remain. I hope this happens for you soon @Marcelle123
     
  5. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    Thank you, Sylvia. xx
     
  6. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,707
    North West
    I can't be the only person who is sitting alone and wishing like Hell that I wasn't at Christmas time. I have, briefly, seen one of my sons and my granddaughter but I suspect that's it until the New Year.
    I'm really mourning the loss of Sue.
     
  7. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,164
    Female
    Dundee
    Oh Stanley I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad. This time of year is a nightmare for many of us on here and I’m sure you’re not alone in your feelings. I’m lucky enough to be going through to my brother’s in Glasgow for a couple of days but the feelings of loss and memories of how things used to be are still there. Added to this my 41st wedding anniversary is on 29th Dec.

    I know it’s not a great deal of comfort but I’m sure many members will be on the forum over the next few days and will be able to keep each other company in a virtual way. Not the same, I know, but still.......

    Thinking of you.
     
  8. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,707
    North West
    Many thanks Izzy.
     
  9. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,707
    North West
    The silly thing is that Sue wasn't here last Christmas yet I don't remember feeling like this.
     
  10. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,164
    Female
    Dundee
    I don’t think there’s any rhyme nor reason for it. I’ve heard others say that the second year was worse. I kind of agree with that.
     
  11. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,584
    Merseyside
    I think you were probably too numb last year @stanleypj. I certainly found the 2nd Christmas without Dad harder than the 1st one.
     
  12. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,164
    Female
    Dundee
    I’m sorry things are hard Marcelle. Too easy for me to say that it all takes time, but it really does. I think your idea of recording your feelings here is a good one. We all cope differently with loss but I do think things do soften with time.
     
  13. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,707
    North West
    Result! I was talking to my son about the importance of keeping in touch, especially over Christmas, and he suggested I make a daily call (at 9.30 a.m.) to him and my granddaughter. I look forward to it.
     
  14. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,164
    Female
    Dundee
    That’s nice Stanley.
     
  15. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    Thank you, Izzy. xx
     
  16. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    Sorry to hear this. Glad to hear about the 9.30 phone call. Wishing you all the best over this nex testing week. xx
     
  17. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,199
    Female
    East Midlands
    Ah @Marcelle123 I hope memories do soften with time & become less sad & more smiley. I know I have a lot of feelings to process & until the horrible executor business is all over & this house is renovated, then I don’t think I will feel up to it all. It is hard & I know my mum loved Christmas esp Christmas Eve. I hope your husband got on well with his laser eye surgery again & that you have got some lovely Christmas plans ahead! Xx
     
  18. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    Thank you, @Kikki21 - I hope you can get sorted soon, and then you can start living again, and be better able to come to terms with the loss of your Mum.

    It is kind of you to remember about my husband's eye procedure. In the event, we had a surprise - the specialist looked at his eye and said he didn't think it had been a melanoma but instead a freckle that was leaking fluid and that the previous laser therapy had cleared it up. Lots of photos were taken and seemed to confirm this diagnosis, so we're down for my husband to hace a check up in four months.

    It is not easy to be sure in these early stages, but we hope he's right and feel rather relieved.

    Wishing you a very happy Christmas, and a Happy & Healthy New Year. xx
     
  19. Kikki21

    Kikki21 Registered User

    Feb 27, 2016
    2,199
    Female
    East Midlands
    ah @Marcelle123 that is wonderful news about your husband’s eye & I hope the check up in a few months time confirms that! I bet you both feel relieved. Let’s hope that your 2020 is happy & healthy for you both & I also wish you a very happy Christmas too xx
     
  20. Marcelle123

    Marcelle123 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2015
    4,515
    Yorkshire
    Thank you very much, @Kikki21.

    I hope you have a lovely 2020 in your new home.

    We'll be moving 2 weeks today and have loads to do, so I'll be going offline soon - probably tomorrow - and wish everyone on this wonderful forum a very happy & healthy New Year, and that if anyone is having a particularly stressful time, that they'll get through it and things will improve. xx

    [​IMG]
     

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