Coming to terms with progression

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by AlwaysWinter, Dec 4, 2019.

  1. AlwaysWinter

    AlwaysWinter New member

    Jul 9, 2019
    4
    My mum is in a nursing home and I live locally to her while my sister lives some way away. I have mental health issues that mean I’m too ill to work and I can’t see mum as much as I would like. Mum has lost all mobility and has to be hoisted which obviously I’m not keen on having this done to her when I’m visiting. But the lounge where she’s seated can be a problem too depending on what kind of day the other PWD have. I try and joke a bit with treating it like the Twilight Zone as sometimes other residents accuse me of wearing their jumper or having stolen from them and grab my bag and go through it. Mum now has a tendency to tell any male Carers that they can have me if they want ‍♀️

    My sister seems to think I’ve got lots of time on my hands when the reality is that I’m too ill to work or have a “normal” life. Her partner has told me that as my sister’s very stressed we should all do everything she wants us to do. She has support from her partner and her two daughters whereas I’m single and the only close family member near me is my mum ... who has dementia. I’m now starting to look after myself and may in fact soon be allocated my own mental health support worker as there’s a new system that’s started up and taking referrals.

    Sorry for the war and peace post, but is there anyone else going through something similar?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,162
    Kent
    I don`t have your problems @AlwaysWinter but I do sympathise when other family members feel they have a right to presume they can tell us how to live our lives.

    All you can do is put your own health as priority. Your mother is being cared for and I hope you are satisfied with the quality of her care. If so, you can manage your visits to suit your needs.

    If your sister is able to fill in the gaps, then good. If she is unable to she has no right to tell you what to do.
     
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,134
    Female
    South coast
    Take no notice of your sister. Your mum is is being cared for and should be well looked after. Visit when you can. The care home will tell you if there is an emergency that you need to sort out, your sister has no idea about your situation.

    On the visiting side - it can indeed be alarming when you visit a dementia home and it takes a bit of time to get used to it. There was a lady in mums care home who used to insist that things belonged to her and tried to take a cardigan off my back!!! I used to leave my coat and bag in the managers office instead of taking it in with me. Might that help your situation? You might find this thread helpful in knowing how to respond to people with dementia
    https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710
     
  4. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,990
    Female
    I agree, visit when you can and resist pressure to do anything you don't feel able to do.

    I tend to keep an eye on which residents are roaming around and move out of their way if it looks as if there may be a problem - it isn't difficult to out-manoeuvre them as long as you keep your wits about you. I am occasionally approached for a hug or kiss from one or two (female) residents, which is a mixed blessing - faintly alarming, but nice. I leave my coat in the car and wear a cross-body bag, no one has tried to rummage in that yet.
     

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