Coming to terms with loosing the most important person in my life.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Elise, Feb 18, 2006.

  1. Elise

    Elise Registered User

    May 12, 2005
    23
    Hello everyone. I have not logged on in a while. Dad passed away over christmas and i am finding it so very hard to deal with. He became very ill the day after i had got to lapland. He was rushed into hospital with severe stomach pains and a high temperature. He died of twisted intestines, i can't remember what the medical name is now. My husband Bless him, thought it best not to tell me he was ill and was just hoping he would recover, but dad passed the next day. I am still numb and have not come to terms with it and i don't know how to deal with it really. I remember letting out such a scream when i was told, whilst a heap on the floor i saw my little boys face scared out of his whits because he thought some one was hurting me. At that moment i had to pull myself up and together for my kids sake's and that's how i have been feeling ever since. All i wanted to do was go home and just sit and put my arms around dad for a while and tell him once again how much i love him, but i know he would not have wanted me to ruin the kids holiday, a once in a life time holiday spent with father christmas. He would have loved to have been there himself. He was ment to be with us as we had planned this holiday for three years but he never made it. Anyway since the funeral which i had no help from my brothers and sisters arranging, i still can't get my head around the fact that he is no longer here anymore. I still find myself panicking that i am going to be late to see him at the home. Then i panic becouse i can't see him any more. There is a constant battle with myself to be strong and i must not crumble or fall to peaces because there is too much to take care of. I have a new job that i started three days before the funeral working at Age Concern helping lonely elderly people, it is a great job and i want to do it well. I still have to sort out all dads affairs with his estate and finances, and also have got to contend with a greedy bunch of family with their hands out. Forgive me for sounding bitter and angry but that is exactly what i am at the moment. If i had my way i would give the lot to the Alzheimers society. Being that they and everyone on this site were the only ones to help me and dad. But i have to do what dad wanted. I could go on for ever telling you of the horrors of my family and how uncaring they have been. Its funny though when money comes into play how people suddenly want to know how you are and how things are going.

    I know that he is better now and i hope happier, but my pain just never seems to go away. I don't know if maybe i had been with him that i would be dealing with things better who knows?
    I just want to thank eveyone for all your words of comfort and help and if its ok that i still every so often log on for a chat.

    Thank you again to everyone and thanks for letting me rant on.

    All the best Elise x
     
  2. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    639
    West Sussex
    Hello Elise

    I am so very sorry you are having such a bad time of it at the moment.

    I lost my Dad just over a year ago, suddenly and unexpectedly, it really hurts, I know, but it will get easier over time, I promise you. I still have times when I need him, but I truly believe he is around somewhere nearby, just out of sight.

    My then 6 year old put it beautifully one day when she said " Grandad is safe in my heart." Your Dad is very much a part of you and always will be, talk about him with your husband and children and his memory will never die.

    You did everything possible for your Dad and loved him unreservedly, if you need to crumble and scream or cry, go ahead, it will make you feel better for a while, you need to vent all the anger you have inside. I tried to be strong after losing Dad and put all my energies into looking after Mum, but the grief caught up with me out of the blue, I cried for days, and felt a lot better for it.

    I have a brother exactly like your siblings, Mum has AD and is in a care home and he never has bothered to help out at all, let alone visit her, he just wants her money! Well, tough, I just hope she lives long enough to use every penny herself for her care, that way I will have her for a good few years yet.


    Take care and look after yourself, you matter.

    Kathleen
    x
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Elise,

    I am so sorry for you about your dad's death, and being away must have made it so much harder to bear. I think maybe it has been made more difficult by
    Someone very close to me died very suddenly in May; I know whilst I told my children and was around them, yes I did cry, but very controlled. I then went round to a friends and we sat on a swing seat in his garden and I let go. I had to do the same thing a week later as well. You cannot keep the pain and anger inside, it will eat you up. If you do let it out, you will be OK, you will be able to pull yourself back together and be strong again. I know my husband hates to see me upset, and always tries to make things better, my friend understood that I just needed to "let the pain out".

    It must be so difficult feeling that your family have not given your dad the love and support that he deserved; thankfully hopefully his dementia made him unaware of this. Your dad wouldn't want you to be hurt by this now though. Carry out your dad's wishes, whatever the family is getting it is only material wealth; they are the one's who have missed out on a relationship with a beautiful man; you have that stored in your heart forever. They are the poorer for it. You know that you did your best, in the circumstances that you are in, for your dad. You can walk with your head held high. You loved him when he was there as a parent for you, and you continued to love him when the tables were turned and he needed your care. You loved selflessly.
    Keep logging on Elise as you feel the need. If you can shout and cry and rant nowhere else, do it here. We want to be here for you.
    Take care. With love.
    Amy
     
  4. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Elise, so sorry to hear your sad news. We will always be here for you, no matter when, or whatever the circumstances. Take care of yourself, Connie
     
  5. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hello Elise,
    I'm sorry for your loss of your Dad, and the family **** which has followed. If you are executor of the will, then you have to do what is legally required of you to make sure his wishes are carried out. No more, no less. Don't dwell on whether his instructions are appropriate in the light of who did what, just act upon them. You still have your self-respect, and you KNOW that you did everything you could for your Dad.

    This is very true, as I found after my own father died years ago. Because there was just my Mum & I left, I felt I "had to be strong for her" and bottled up everything. However, about 10 years later it came back & bit me, big-time, when the stress from something completely unrelated had knocked me off balance. I had to have counselling (which I didn't think at the time was helpful, but now I think it was) and one of the suggestions was to sit down & write a letter to my Dad, telling him how I felt - everything, anger, grief, bitterness, regrets, guilt.
    I wept buckets over that letter and it took weeks, but getting all that festered negative emotion out into the open was what I needed. It was like having an infected abcess lanced; all that unhealthy stuff flushed out, and at last healing could begin.

    Perhaps a visit to your own doctor might be a good idea, and tell him/her how you feel. You could ask if there is any counselling available to you. Or write your Dad a letter. Or keep using TP as a release valve. Or all of the above.

    Best wishes
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Elise, so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear Dad. I too lost a very close relative just after Christmas. Try to remember the good times and don't waste your feelings or time thinking of the lack of support you have received from others in your family. It is on their karma to deal with now. Just try to be at peace within yourself. You did all you could for your Dad, he knew how much you loved him. Now it is time to be sad, but there will be tomorrows when you will be able to smile and be happy, especially with that little boy of yours. Thinking of you, love She. XX
     
  7. Elise

    Elise Registered User

    May 12, 2005
    23
    Thank you so much to everyone

    I just want to say thank you to all of you for your lovely words of comfort, and i have found some comfort in them. This is truely the only place at the moment that i can go and find some peace with people who understand and really care. My dad was and is a beautiful man, thank you Amy. One of the best, to me any way. You know Lynne, the letter is a wonderful idea. Just before the funeral i did write dad a letter, and my husband took the letter in to the funeral directors and placed it in with dad. I wanted to go and see him but i was scared he would be different, i guess i just wanted to hold onto how i have always seen him. The letter told him that if he ever felt lonely or scared that he was to read my letter telling him how much i loved him and know i am always hugging him and thanking him for all the wonderful things he had done in his and my life. The funny things was, i found it so hard to stop writting i wanted to go on and just keep writing. There is so much i want to say. I know deep down he knows how much i miss him and love him and the time will come come when i will release it all but not just yet, not ready to face the reality of it all. Maybe when i tell my little boy that grandad has gone to heaven is the day i am ready, i just can't bring myself to tell him. Even though he asks me when can we go and see, and take grandad some chocholates. I don't know why i am doing this i just can't tell him.

    I guess i will sort it out in my head soon and things will be better. Thank you again to everyone for all your support. It is very much so appriciated.

    Love Elise x
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Elise, when my brother in law died, my little niece was only 3. She was too young to understand. I took her out into the garden that night, we looked up at the sky and I explained that Grandad was up in heaven now, right up there with the twinkly stars. I asked her which one she thought was his, she picked out a bright one. She's 14 (going on 18!) now, but she still refers to Grandads star. Maybe something like that could help you and your little boy? Sending you a big hug. Love She. XX
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Grandads garden

    Dear Elise, my late husbands ashes are buried in the memorial garden, next to the church. My grandaughters go to the nearby church school.

    The grandaughters, who were not even born when he died, always visit and tell all their friends that it is "Grandad's garden". To them is is 'his special place'
    Hope this helps. Connie
     

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