Closing the circle

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Dear friends and new TPers

Philip, my husband, died last Wednesday. He had lived in a nursing home for 2 years and 8 months, going through stage after stage of dementia. I have been in a state of widowhood for about 2 years, since he stopped recognising me and other members of the family. I have felt all the basic emotions: deep sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, stress and anxiety, and now relief and gratitude. He has been allowed to escape to the other side, has been spared the final battle, is in peace.

Although I haven't been on TP for some considerable time, I still value enormously the friendships I made here. It was a place where I learned to express some feelings rather than bottling them up, a place where those feelings were understood, commented on honestly and empathetically, and I know that it was the foundation which allowed me to grow and get me to the point where I can now deal relatively calmly with the events and the closure of the circle. I had never experienced, or allowed myself to experience, this kind of friendship. I learned to take, as well as give, and to me this was enlightenment, strength and comfort. It helped me make the most difficult decisions in my life and I felt supported in them without a single judgement.

Thank you all so much.
Lots of love and warm hugs - Kathy
 

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turmoil

Registered User
Feb 3, 2013
239
0
West Yorkshire
Hello Kathy

I wanted to thank you for your post, I am starting this journey and your words brought such comfort.

I am so relieved for you that your husband is at peace, and I sincerely hope you and your family can now find peace and remember the man he was.

Thank you again and sending you a hug

Turmoil x
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
Dear Kathy,
I'm sorry to hear your news but am grateful that he is now at peace and you can start remembering him as he really was, and not the illness that consumed him.

My condolences to you and your family.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,001
0
72
Dundee
I'm so sorry to hear your news. Sending my condolences and wishing you strength for the days to come Kathy. x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Hello Kathy

I`m so glad you returned to complete the circle. It sounds as if Philip died peacefully and I hope this brings you some comfort.

With love and best wishes for a renewal of hope and good experiences. xx
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
0
72
Dear Kathy
Your post has brought tears to my eyes, and the pictures are so peaceful and tranquil.

I am sorry to hear about your husband, but am glad that he has found peace, and am sure you will too in the future as the happy memories come back to you.

Sending love
Jan x
 

creativesarah

Registered User
Apr 22, 2010
9,638
0
Upton Northamptonshire
Kathy you are always so erudite and eloquent even in your grief

May you know comfort and strength at this time I appreciate your friendship and thought of you when we had the TP meetup in Birmingham

Much support

Sarah
 

muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Thank you all. That's what I meant! No office small talk (BS), but genuine empathy.

It's interesting how many comments mention "start remembering him as he really was". I already have started. I had no idea or any such expectation, but it really seems easier now to cast the memory back beyond the illness and picture him as he was. For my son, too, I think.

Thank you - Kathy
 

SisterAct

Registered User
Jul 5, 2011
2,255
0
71
Liverpool, Merseyside
Hi Kathy
So sorry to hear about your husband but I am pleased he is at peace now. We have just lost our Dad through this horrible illness and like you we felt we really lost him years ago.
I can't expect some of my family and friends to understand that you lose dementia sufferers while they are living. We carers have a longer grieving process while still enduring all that is thrown at us by dementia. It feels surreal at times.

We were fortunate enough to get to Biminhham last week and met TPers in the flesh. Barb and I did get upset about Dad but the support and understanding was amazing and we had REAL hugs.:)
While looking after Dad we have ignored our own health for so long now and have now listed all our ailments and are on a mission to care for ourselves. I hope you will do the same.

I can only echo what you have said....thank goodness for TP :)

Teke care
Luv
Polly x
 

Uratopper

Registered User
Sep 17, 2012
48
0
Fife, Scotland
Dear Kathy
We have never spoken but I wanted to thank you for the images you have posted. The tangled thicket followed by an expanse of calm and peace perfectly expresses the journey and say more than a thousand words.
I wish you strength and peace in the times to come.
Bless you all
M
 

littlegem

Registered User
Nov 11, 2010
837
0
north Wales
God bless your dear husband, he is now at peace.
Take care of yourself, it is time to remember the good times together.

(((((((hugs)))))) xxxxx
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Thank you for letting us know about Philip. It is a sad time but at the same time relief that the dementia journey has ended. When I met you in London (LesMis) both our husbands were in Nursing Homes and we were both experiencing similar feelings. My husband died last June.

A while ago you wrote about decisions re lifestyle and I hope they have/will help you for the future.
Wth best wishes.
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Kathy,

Thank you so much for sharing with us that Philip has now been allowed to escape to the other side.

I often think about you and remember meeting you and sharing precious little time together at one of the retreats. I remember you sharing your growth and it was wonderful to watch you courageously taking steps to 'live' your life.

I particularly liked the photos that you have chosen to share with us. I saw in the first picture 'wildness' and this reminded me of what we can experience when dementia enters the equation of our lives. I saw in the second picture 'serenity' in places that could be wild (sea and sky) but weren't.

Wishing you continued peace and strength as you travel this next part of your journey and hope that you know that some people on the very periphery of your life will always be wishing you well:)

Love
 
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muse

Registered User
May 27, 2008
599
0
Cambridge
Thank you all again for your kind words. The photos are thanks to Elaine, who finally got through to me on how to attach them.

Love - Kathy
 

Big Effort

Account Closed
Jul 8, 2012
1,927
0
Dear Kathy,

Your post was nourishing and fulfilling to read. Honest too. Congratulations on walking the Dementia Road right to the end, and seeing your special Phillip to a place where dementia doesn't call any more shots.

The photographs are inspiring and also thought provoking. I hope you dip in and out of here to guide the rest of us who need to open to accept help.... for we are all such a bunch of givers..... and we also need to receive.

I hope you can find many rewarding strands of life now to pick up and explore, as spring shines a little warmer each day, and you find peace within, knowing you have faced life's toughest challenge: losing someone we care about to a killer disease that chips away relentlessly at all our reserves. Now, I wish you space, and light, and freedom, and peace, knowing that Phillip is now out of distress.

Thank you for posting. Love BE
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
9,842
0
leicester
Kathy

I was so sad to read your post, my condolences to you and your son.

I hope that the coming months will be kind to you both and your love for each other will help heal the pain

Love and Hugs Helen x
 

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