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close to cracking up can't do it anymore but authorites doing nothng

Belinda3

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
20
can't cope with all the phone calls daily, the abusiveness, the accusations, the demands, I just can't do it anymore, I'm now on valium and feel like I will have a breakdown.
I did not have poa and I have to walk away for my own sanity. I have made it clear in writing and verbally that social services and the gp need to now take over and apply for poa, but they don't seem to be doing anything except pass the buck onto me and expect me to just carry on.
if I carry on I will crack.
I have told them to come and collect his items etc from me (which they will need to be poa and deal with his finances) but they aren't allowed, apparently.
I feel like taking it all to head office of social services and saying here you are, you do it now. but how do I know what will happen to it all?
I am not able to face going to his home to leave it there as the carers might nick things and the thought of him having another go at me I just can't deal with anymore.
I just need them to take over now - they know full well that for other reasons I am not well.
I am dreading tomorrow as I just dont' know who to phone for advice about what todo with his stuff that ss will need for eventual poa, I can't do the running to the bank bit any more, and any advice about my first port of call to resolve this so that they take over from me would be very welcome.
thanks
 
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CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
Belinda, I hardly know what to say, and what I am going to say may be a load of rubbish but I couldn't read your cry for help and not answer.

Just don't do anything. Unplug/switch off your phone/s, ignore the doorbell. Better still, go out, or away for a while. Be un-contactable, and let whatever happens, happen.

I don't know who he is, as I don't know your story, but what I do know is that you are just as important as him. Nothing is worth having a breakdown over, and you are teetering on the very brink.

It really is time, now, in my humble opinion, to put yourself first and walk away, completely.

xxx
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,986
West Hertfordshire
Neither SS not the GP can apply for POA for a person.

Is there POA already prepared ready to action?
Or is what you mean you need someone to apply for deputyship to manage a person with dementia' finances?
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,750
East Sussex
Hi Belinda

Every time the credit card statement arrives, mum is convinced she us broke, she only has £25 or £32 in the bank, so she refuses to go shopping, turns off lights, tries to turn down the heating etc. I just tell her it's ok, I give her a bank statement & get her to tell me the value, then ask if she still thinks she is broke. So far, that works. She is massively relieved & it's ok till next months statement arrives & we go through it all again

I believe "he" is a friend, if I've read your other post correctly. He is lucky to have you as a friend, but I do understand, that you no longer feel you can deal with this.

You have contacted his GP & SS, so it's over to them. Reading other posts, they will wait for a crisis before acting. It's cruel, not what should happen, but that seems to be the way :(

Does he have any family, perhaps they can step in, if not, you have to think of your health & walk away. You have done as much as you can, keep hold of the paperwork, write or email SS, Adult Social Care & his GP, saying you think he is a "vulnerable adult" and they have a "duty of care" and that you have some paperwork that they may need. Give them your contact details and hard as it is, go away.

If he has a care package, he will have been assessed, someone is arranging for payments, or its on a DD, so he is cared fòr. He will not be alone, just not have you caring hands on

Change your number, last time I did it, it was about £50, but if you say you are getting harassing phone calls (stretch the truth a bit) they may reduce it. At least it will stop the calls

Look after yourself & don't let the guilt monster in

Hugs

Sam
 

Belinda3

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
20
thanks so much for your replies and for reading.

I have almost walked away - in that he knows I remain his friend even though I am going to be less involved. A lot less.

Thank you Alz' Soc' national helpline, and you guys.

they know I no longer have any paperwork etc, so when they all go back to work on Tuesday its over to them - deputyship/poa/moving into a home etc. Whatever. But there is no going back for me. Except I am still the friend and for the time being it will be from afar for a little while, till they act and get much more involved which I have been informed they intend to this week... The crisis for them is they have to take over now. I have left them no choice.

theres no family and yep I quoted those words frequently and loud and clear.

it was very difficult making that step and at first I cried a lot and felt like a failure, but I know I have done the right thing.

This holiday season has been one of the hardest I've had to endure. This time next year I intend to be away by the seaside.

I wish you peace
 

Belinda3

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
20
update:

last week my friend agreed and was moved into a nursing home. A good one.

I am left feeling very tearful, redundant, like a loss has just happened. Its hard going past his road knowing he isn't there anymore. I go in his old flat to check post and it's now completely empty. I just feel so sad, it's like the end of an era. I'm reminded of all the places we went to, from exhibitions to cafe's to karaoke's, pubs, clubs, and all those people we mixed with who have now fallen by the wayside & turned their backs on him, but with whom we used to have laughs with, and now he isn't here.

He's there.
But I keep bursting into tears.

I think of the immense amount of stress, esp since early December 2016, when there was no support from social services or carers or doctors, nobody. I think about New Year's Eve, when I knew I just couldn't deal with it anymore, and asked the authorities to do something, to take over, and how they let us down over and over. I think of all the carers who let my friend down, their neglect, taunting him, mocking him, criticising him. I think of all the social workers who were just not there at all for us when we really needed them.

It's all so quiet.

I know he's much better off now where he is, people tell me its down to me that he was moved there so fast, they seem to thank me, and tell me I'm a good friend, even the care agency said that to me.

It all makes me cry.

The phone doesn't ring now.

no more extreme stress. no more incompetent social workers. no more putting in complaint after complaint. just deleted about 500 emails of complaints from over the last 2 years.

though, I am his next of kin, and I just hope nothing bad happens. If it did I'd be there again as required, but right now it's just so quiet and sad for me.
 

JaquelineM

Registered User
Jan 8, 2017
162
north london
update:

last week my friend agreed and was moved into a nursing home. A good one.

I am left feeling very tearful, redundant, like a loss has just happened. Its hard going past his road knowing he isn't there anymore. I go in his old flat to check post and it's now completely empty. I just feel so sad, it's like the end of an era. I'm reminded of all the places we went to, from exhibitions to cafe's to karaoke's, pubs, clubs, and all those people we mixed with who have now fallen by the wayside & turned their backs on him, but with whom we used to have laughs with, and now he isn't here.

He's there.
But I keep bursting into tears.

I think of the immense amount of stress, esp since early December 2016, when there was no support from social services or carers or doctors, nobody. I think about New Year's Eve, when I knew I just couldn't deal with it anymore, and asked the authorities to do something, to take over, and how they let us down over and over. I think of all the carers who let my friend down, their neglect, taunting him, mocking him, criticising him. I think of all the social workers who were just not there at all for us when we really needed them.

It's all so quiet.

I know he's much better off now where he is, people tell me its down to me that he was moved there so fast, they seem to thank me, and tell me I'm a good friend, even the care agency said that to me.

It all makes me cry.

The phone doesn't ring now.

no more extreme stress. no more incompetent social workers. no more putting in complaint after complaint. just deleted about 500 emails of complaints from over the last 2 years.

though, I am his next of kin, and I just hope nothing bad happens. If it did I'd be there again as required, but right now it's just so quiet and sad for me.
Hello Belinda , so sorry to hear about your awful situation , I can't imagine how hard and painful all this has been for you , but glad that there has been some kind of resolution , sending you love and hugs
 

philamillan

Registered User
Feb 26, 2015
98
Dear Belinda.

Thank you for your help over the past 2 years. Without you he would have probably not been able to be at home safely.

Thank you for your advocacy to ensure the best thing was done for him.

Thank you for your financial support as he would have cost Social Services hundreds of thousands of pounds if he was in care 2 years ago.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Sadly we only seem to support when people are at the end of the line. We should be much better to help our carers.

The only thing I would ask of you is to take that knowledge of your experience and help others to advocate earlier. There are many more people struggling like you who need your support.

It is clear that without community input this journey will be too difficult for most carers.

xxx
 

istherelight?

Registered User
Feb 15, 2017
117
Dear Belinda

What an awful time you've had but you have been amazing.

Just wanted to let you know.....*hugs*....




Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,691
Yorkshire
hello Belinda3
really good news that your friend is now living in a good nursing home
well done
I can appreciate that you're now left, after such upheaval, in a peace and quiet that just doesn't feel natural - I hope you gradually find a routine for yourself and settle into a life where you can visit your friend if/when you wish and can also find some pleasure and joy- I guess it will take time, so go gently
thank you for the update - do keep posting with how you are
best wishes to both of you
 

Tara62

Registered User
hello Belinda3
really good news that your friend is now living in a good nursing home
well done
I can appreciate that you're now left, after such upheaval, in a peace and quiet that just doesn't feel natural - I hope you gradually find a routine for yourself and settle into a life where you can visit your friend if/when you wish and can also find some pleasure and joy- I guess it will take time, so go gently
thank you for the update - do keep posting with how you are
best wishes to both of you
- Seconded. Well done, Belinda. You're a good friend.
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
You've been such a good friend, and it's understandable after everything you've been through that you now feel lost and very sad and teary. I hope that in time you can find some peace of mind and begin to recover and build your own life back up again. You can still continue to be a good friend, if you wish, but without that sole responsibility that you were carrying before. Sending you best wishes, and a reminder to be gentle with yourself.
 

Belinda3

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
20
thank you all you lovely people.

When I read your posts since my last one, I cried a lot.
And it comes and goes in waves, naturally, to an un-natural situation.

I visited him a few days ago for the first time, and saw, even though he started off complaining about the place/staff etc, that he was in a very kind and communal atmosphere. Knowing that he is now safe, I am beginning to feel relief.

But its still sad, I was there thinking my mother should have been in that nursing home and not neglected in the care home she was in. Sad - I recently visited my friend's former home for the last time, and handed all the keys in. It's sad because this is the final chapter of his life. But at least he's in good hands. Hopefully for a long time to come yet, or if not that then hopefully a safe chapter.

The pressure is off, but I am now known once more as his next of kin and friend, and getting acknowledgement from the nursing home of that means a lot, when previously others in social care took advantage.

I formally complained about one local authority social worker in particular, in December. And it took her manager a whopping 2 months to finally respond in an acceptable manner and apologise to me on the phone last week. Boy did I make her grovel.

look after yourselves too,

I'll be back...
 
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