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Clash of the carers

Lucy44

Registered User
Jul 12, 2014
18
Hi everyone
Could Realy do with an offload and hearing from anyone who has experienced the same thing I am going through. My Mum has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment and this is in decline. My Mum and Dad have been married for 55 years and he looks after her the majority of time, helping her with medication, cooking and taking her out.
I visit from every Thursday until Sundays and try and to do my bit.
I have read as much as I can so I can be to be more patient and how to deal with Mum when she becomes confused and asks lots of questions.
My Dad has severe anxiety and just shouts and questions her the majority of time, and it's just not nice.
This morning he quizzed her over why she had opened her box of tablets and when she said she hadn't he became realy unpleasant which made Mum upset.
We just have such different approaches which is causing arguments with My Dad and I,and I can see upsets Mum
I suggested we go back to the memory clinic if things are getting worse but he just shouted and said I am in charge and you don't do anything without my say so

I have already discussed his behaviour with GP and Alzheimers support, but Wondered if anyone else has conflict while trying to support their dearest Mum
Sorry for rambling
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,732
This is a really tough one for all of you. I'm just running off but saw your post and just wanted to say 'hi' and also
This is a very useful starter http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showt...emory-Impaired
The link will take you to a thread with a lot of information especially about compassionate communication which may help to make life easier for all of you although I appreciate your dad may not want to listen, maybe if it comes from here he will

there is lots of support on here xxx
 

Kitten71

Registered User
Jul 22, 2013
157
East Yorkshire
I am at constant loggerheads with my stepmother over my dad. He gets agitated and likes to ball up his sheets. She can't bear that and starts flattening them out. That then destroys whatever construction he has built in his head with his sheet and then he gets violent. I'm always telling her to let him just do what he wants if it's not harming anyone but she just can't. I guess it's a tough call to accept that you're losing the person most precious to you and I think a lot of her behaviour comes from denial of the situation. It's hard when you feel like you're always gritting your teeth but I've learnt to let go of my frustrations now as it was beginning to make me ill and ultimately, I was no good to my dad if I wasn't well enough to help look after him. I totally get where you're coming from though but please make sure your situation isn't detrimental to yourself. I suppose eventually, dad's deterioration has stopped the clashes for now. Hopefully your dad will realise that it's much easier to work together than against each other and your situation will improve xxx
 

Linbrusco

Registered User
Mar 4, 2013
1,603
Auckland...... New Zealand
My Mum 74 has moderate Alzheimers, Dad 78 has cognitive impairment.
8 yrs ago my parents sold their house and we built a granny flat on our property for them.
Mums Alz diagnsoed July 2013, Dad in the last year but I think it goes further back.

I find coping with Mum a lot easier to deal with, than my father to be honest.
Despite me talking to him, our Alzheimers Key worker and even the Memory Team Worker he has no understanding, acceptance or otherwise of Mums condition.

Yes he helps her look for things, cooks meals, runs the bath, ties her shoes but mentall and emotionally is an entirely different story.
He shouts at her forgetting things, or losing things, or when she is repetitive, you get the " You've told us/asked us that 50 times already" .
Dad has always been a practical joker, and once as a joke he hid Mums medication and told her she had already taken it :eek:
Thankfully I was there and saw the trick he was trying to play, and I told him off and he totally denied what he had just done :eek:
If Mum asks " Is this Saturday?" He will say "No its Sunday"

Memory team says this is part his frontal lobe atrophy and his usual personality.

Anyway you get my drift, it causes lots of arguments between them, and I am in the middle. I posted an earlier thread about my Mum wanting to run away :)
I think its nearing the time, when it will be better for Mum all round to go into care.

Am I doing Mum any favours by keeping at her home? How confusing and upsetting must it be to lose your memory and capacity to function day to day, with me trying to use the Compassionate Communication techniques, and Dad doing and saying the total opposite.
It sounds as though Dad is a terrible man... He isn't. He is just ill equipped to care on most levels for his wife with Alzheimers due to his own MCI and nothing will change it.

I totally sympathise.....
 

Lucy44

Registered User
Jul 12, 2014
18
Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it is so helpful to know I am not alone and others are feeling the same. You're right our Dads are not horrible people but just so ill equipped to deal with this awful disease.

It is such a difficult position to be in, and I understand the struggle between trying to keeping Mum at home and feeling a different setting would be better.

you have been such a support, Thank you


QUOTE=Linbrusco;1204041]My Mum 74 has moderate Alzheimers, Dad 78 has cognitive impairment.
8 yrs ago my parents sold their house and we built a granny flat on our property for them.
Mums Alz diagnsoed July 2013, Dad in the last year but I think it goes further back.

I find coping with Mum a lot easier to deal with, than my father to be honest.
Despite me talking to him, our Alzheimers Key worker and even the Memory Team Worker he has no understanding, acceptance or otherwise of Mums condition.

Yes he helps her look for things, cooks meals, runs the bath, ties her shoes but mentall and emotionally is an entirely different story.
He shouts at her forgetting things, or losing things, or when she is repetitive, you get the " You've told us/asked us that 50 times already" .
Dad has always been a practical joker, and once as a joke he hid Mums medication and told her she had already taken it :eek:
Thankfully I was there and saw the trick he was trying to play, and I told him off and he totally denied what he had just done :eek:
If Mum asks " Is this Saturday?" He will say "No its Sunday"

Memory team says this is part his frontal lobe atrophy and his usual personality.

Anyway you get my drift, it causes lots of arguments between them, and I am in the middle. I posted an earlier thread about my Mum wanting to run away :)
I think its nearing the time, when it will be better for Mum all round to go into care.

Am I doing Mum any favours by keeping at her home? How confusing and upsetting must it be to lose your memory and capacity to function day to day, with me trying to use the Compassionate Communication techniques, and Dad doing and saying the total opposite.
It sounds as though Dad is a terrible man... He isn't. He is just ill equipped to care on most levels for his wife with Alzheimers due to his own MCI and nothing will change it.

I totally sympathise.....[/QUOTE]