Christmas Stress

[Tray2283]

Well I must start by wishing everybody a very Merry Christmas.
My Christmas has been anything but merry. It all started with a soaking wet bed, wet trousers, pyjamas, you know the usual. I did three lots of washing, took the usual abuse from my mum& then ending up rowing with my dad.
He is well in his mind & physically fit even he is 81, I still virtually look after him as well.
But to my shock I found out that my dad had been telling tales behind my back , telling other relatives that we had a row(which I'm sure he exaggerated)& when I confronted him, he denied it of course& when he thought I was out of earshot I heard him tell another relative"look what I have to put up with". I was so shocked I couldn't eat my xmas dinner, I was so upset, still today I'm so disappointed in him.
I have looked after them both for years now, gave up my job, my relationship has been full of stress, I just thought that all the kindness I show is for nothing.
No one else helps(apart from my partner who is 38 weeks pregnant .
It's like the old saying, the more you do, the less you get thought of.
Mum saw me crying& bless her she was upset for me& I wanted my old mum back who would have stuck up for me. This Christmas has been the worst ever. I thought my dad would have praised me, not put me down.
I now question shall I carry on, mum has gone downhill so much now.
I'm sorry for the rant especially when it's supposed to be a happy time, but even writing it down has helped.
I know us Carers have a hard time& we do the best for our loved ones, but I feel used& very unappreciated by the person who should love me unconditionally , my dad.




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[Slugsta]

(((Tray))), sorry, I have no words of wisdom for you but didn't want to 'read and run'!

 

[hodge]

empathy

Well I must start by wishing everybody a very Merry Christmas.
My Christmas has been anything but merry. It all started with a soaking wet bed, wet trousers, pyjamas, you know the usual. I did three lots of washing, took the usual abuse from my mum& then ending up rowing with my dad.
He is well in his mind & physically fit even he is 81, I still virtually look after him as well.
But to my shock I found out that my dad had been telling tales behind my back , telling other relatives that we had a row(which I'm sure he exaggerated)& when I confronted him, he denied it of course& when he thought I was out of earshot I heard him tell another relative"look what I have to put up with". I was so shocked I couldn't eat my xmas dinner, I was so upset, still today I'm so disappointed in him.
I have looked after them both for years now, gave up my job, my relationship has been full of stress, I just thought that all the kindness I show is for nothing.
No one else helps(apart from my partner who is 38 weeks pregnant .
It's like the old saying, the more you do, the less you get thought of.
Mum saw me crying& bless her she was upset for me& I wanted my old mum back who would have stuck up for me. This Christmas has been the worst ever. I thought my dad would have praised me, not put me down.
I now question shall I carry on, mum has gone downhill so much now.
I'm sorry for the rant especially when it's supposed to be a happy time, but even writing it down has helped.
I know us Carers have a hard time& we do the best for our loved ones, but I feel used& very unappreciated by the person who should love me unconditionally , my dad.




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Oh Tray, I understand how you feel, what should be a happy time for most people turned in to a nightmare. Taking care of loved ones is so difficult, especially when you do your absolute best and you end up feeling like it has been thrown back in your face. This Christmas has been a nightmare for me too, for different reasons, and I will be glad when it is over, not much comfort to you I know, but you are not alone in feeling unhappy, all we can do is try to stay strong, no matter how difficult it is.

Hugs xx
Jane

 

[Tray2283]

Thank you for your reply Jane, I'm sorry you are having a tough time too. It's good to talk on here& I know lots of Carers are going through the same thing. I wish you a peaceful new year xx


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[marionq]

The reality of ingratitude in the face of a very difficult task is what finishes a lot of carers. You must weigh up what you are doing for your parents against what outside carers could do and assess if that is enough to make you carry on. How important is your partner and child in all this?

Sometimes we are so close up to the problems we can't see clearly what it is doing to ourselves.

 

[fizzie]

Hello Tray
We looked after my mum for four years at home and all the way through she used to tell terrible tales about me. Like you I was really hurt at first but then I realised that it was the dementia talking and that made it a little easier and then I had an amazing carer come and she just made the difference - she taught me to laugh about it all! My Ma used to 'whisper' - stage whisper - to the carer "has she gone?" and then proceed to tell wonderful and fantastic tales about me - different every time. We had to educate people - outsiders had a tendency to believe her and she was really plausible = no words of real wisdom just sympathy and understand what you are going through but please try not to be hurt by it, the person who was there before the dementia didn't mean any of those things xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Tin]

Hi Tray, This is one area of Dementia or maybe just old age that I don't think I will ever get used to. My mum has lived with me for 2 years and on and off throughout this time she has been critical of almost everything I do for her and so when I back off and try to let her do a few things for herself that I know she can do, she calls my name to help her and endlessly tells me how grateful she is that I am here looking after her, but when we have visitors and I leave the room- WOW - the stuff she says about me. Fair to say that my mum has always been a bit of a gossip and has in the past tried her hand at manipulation, but honestly I never thought she would turn on me. Still, I am her only carer and I tell myself that all of this is coming from a place of fear and confusion.

 

[Tray2283]

Hi guys, thanks for all your replies. My mum has been saying awful stuff about me, my dad& now she has started on my partner who is the the kindest most patient person you could ever meet. I have got used to these outbursts but it still hurts sometimes. Mum has started hitting as well& she is so strong& quick.
The issue was my dad who is well in his mind, he tittle tattles to other family members about our plight with mum, about arguments we have & I feel very let down as I virtually look after him too. I am a very emotional person, I say what I think , I don't hold back& I have found the stress has just Exacerbated this. My heart is good & sometimes I feel I'm at the end of the road.
We have Carers in place when baby arrives& an emergency meeting with the social worker in January.
My family come first now& as much as I loved looking after mum, the stress is too much. Thanks for replies xx


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[Mrsbusy]

I'm sure that whoever your Dad tittle tattles too are wise enough to realise he too is hard work, and there are two sides to every story. If they don't who cares? That sort of person, probably of his own generation will have forgotten as soon as they leave his company and you know the truth anyway. Personally if I had heard his comment about what he has to put up with, I would have said yes but look what we put up too! He would then know you heard him and also made the other person think too. People become more self centred as they age and it sounds like he has instead of being grateful.

Please think carefully about your situation once the baby arrives as that in itself is a stressful first year without a violent person involved and an unhelpful Dad too. I am concerned for your partners well being as well as yours, and suggest you consider alternative care arrangements for your parents.

Hope the birth goes well and things improve. Keep us posted.