Christmas - Should I go or Stay with Mum

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Laylabud, Nov 8, 2007.

  1. Laylabud

    Laylabud Registered User

    Sep 7, 2007
    When my Mum was well and still living with me and my Husband we booked to go away in the UK this year for christmas. My mum is currently in an assessment unit waiting to be moved onto an EMI nursing home. She is in the moderate/severe stages of AD and i am torn whether to go or stay and spend all of christmas with her. She does not know my name but still knows i am her daughter just about. i visit her daily and have done so, she has been in the unit since June. When i visit she is restless and gets up and walks away from me, there is hardly any conversation with her at all. I really do need a break as this year has been very stressful, one of my dogs has had mouth cancer earlier in the year and has had to have part of her jaw removed, i have just had a minor op as well and there is all the emotional upset with Mum on top of all of that. My husband has said that i need to get away and rest and is willing to drive back to Kent from wales on christmas eve so i can spend christmas and boxing day with her and drive back to wales to finish off the rest of our break. I feel gulity that i am even thinking about going, It is my birthday on christmas day as well. I have never spent a christmas without her, what would you do?
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Laylabud

    You are the only one who can make that decision.

    From what you say, it doesn`t sound as if your mother will realize whether you do or do not visit on Christmas Day.

    Will she know it`s Christmas Day?
    Will she know it`s your birthday?
    Will she feel she`s been abandoned?
    Will it make any difference to her whether you`re there or not?
    Will you be riddled with guilt and spoil the break?

    I suppose this is what you need to weigh up.

    I do hope you manage to get away. It`s a great opportunity for you to have a good time and relax. If you do go, enjoy it. Don`t feel guilty and don`t drive all that way back, just to see her and have her forget five minutes later that you`ve been.

    Love xx
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Whatever you can live with is the right thing to do.

    I am sure you will make the decision nearer the time, having taken all the factors on board.

    The only point I would make however is, do you think you will still have your mum next christmas? Maybe another factor to take on board.

    Sorry if I have added to your dilemma. As I always say, no right or wrong answers, as long as you take everything, and everyone into the equation.

    Stay strong, take care.
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    #4 Skye, Nov 8, 2007
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2007
    Dear Laylabud

    As the Sylvia and Connie have said, only you can make up your mind.

    Given the circumstances, for me the first question would be, 'Would I relax on holiday, or would I be constantly worried and feeling guilty?' If you feel you would enjoy the break, then go for it. There's no wrong answer on this one.

    I know what my answer would be, but you have to decide that for yourself.

    Edited to add:

    As a compromise, could you change your holiday to one nearer home, so that you could visit your mum on Christmas day? Or even stay at home, but give yourself a break from visiting, apart from Christmas day? That way, you wouldn't need to worry, because you'd be on hand if anything went wrong. And you're certainly entitled to a break.

  5. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    Hello Laylabud

    As the others say, you have to do what YOU feel you can live with.
    There are no rules to follow in this game and this is about you, your Mum and both your needs.
    Wouldn't it be great if someone gave us the OK to be selfish for once.

    I really feel for you, loving your Mum and wanting to do the right thing, isn't an easy choice, go with your gut feeling on this one.

    Whatever you do, your Mum knows you love her and your love for her, will never be a question to be answered, even to yourself.

    Take care
    Janetruth x
  6. CHESS

    CHESS Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Dear Laylabud,

    It really sounds as though you need this break at Christmas; not only you, but your husband. It seems as though he is willing to jump through hoops for you, maybe a sign that he, too, is getting desperate for a break. Just a thought.

    Best wishes.
    Chess x
  7. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Laylabud,
    With my husband being in E.m.I. Unit since May, I have not had a break for 4 years and I am disabled. When my son wanted to take me on a two weeks holiday on a boat on the Norfork Broads, I was coming up with all excuses that I could possible think of. Writing it to all our friends on T.P. everyone saying go. My son is very ill and wanted some quality time with me. I went and I had a fantastic time and found the ME again. Knowing that three of my 4 children live apporximately 5 minutes from N.H. I knew they would visit their step-father,
    I am so glad I went because along the way we tend to be so much into the A.D. word and the rest of the family miss out on so much.
    Yes you will still miss your Mum but you must think of yourself.
    Wishing you all the best. Christine
  8. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    I would go with whatever is right for you. It does really sound as if you need a break, you just have to decide if Christmas is the right time for you.

    One thing I would suggest, if you are going to to away, when ever that may be, at Christmas, or some other time, I see you visit mum every day, I would make those visits less of a pattern, try not going for a couple of days, and see how that goes for both of you.

  9. Laylabud

    Laylabud Registered User

    Sep 7, 2007
    Thank you for all your comments.

    I have taken on board of of your comments and will make a final descion near the time, alot can happen in the next few weeks.
    My darling Husband is more than willing to come back home for christmas/boxing day as he knows how important it is to me. I think he needs a break as i know he is feeling the pressure too, we see little of each other at the moment as we both work and as soon as i get in from work it quickly put the dinner on then it is up to the hospital, i don't get home until about 9pm, by then we are both so tired and it is off to bed, we are both having about 16 hour days.

    I admire you all for your strength to carry on with your loved ones, it is not easy but you help not through duty to that person but through the love you have for them.

  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    You're absolutely right there. You love your mum, or you wouldn't have any doubts about going. But you also love your husband, and have to think about his health too.

    And then there's your own health. Hospital visiting is very draining, as so many of us know, and on top of a full-time job, you must be exhausted.

    I think you're right not to make the decision until nearer the time. Things change so quickly with this disease, and if your mum is in a NH by then, you may feel happier about leaving her, as she'll have more one-to-one attention.

    Just do what feels right.

  11. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire

    I admire your dedication, and it sounds as if you really do need a break. Is it really in everyone's interests for you to visit your mum so often? It doesn't seem to be in your best interests. Would your mum know if you didn't visit every day? We are all different, but I don't visit mine every day, I aim for every 3 days, but sometimes it is 4, and sometimes 5, and she thinks either that I was there the previous day, or I haven't been for a fortnight. So I can't win. Or lose.

    We are in the same dilemma as regards Christmas. She has always come to us, but now she is in the CH she is more settled there. I have posted a separate thread on here about Christmas day, and people are telling me either to leave her in the home (and visit of course) or bring her home just for the meal but not any chit-chat before or after. That will require some organisation, cos we are notoriously bad at estimating the time of christmas lunch, could be 2 p.m., 3 p.m. or 4 p.m., by which time she'll have already eaten in the care home.

    Even if we get organised for 2 p.m. the care home has lunch at 12, so I can't quite work out the logistics of it. Perhaps we should eat at 6 p.m. instead, when they have tea at 5 p.m. Go pick her up at 5, home for 5.30, glass of sherry, and eat at 6 p.m. I really don't know.

    Would your mum know it was Christmas Day? Mine perhaps won't appreciate that, but I don't know.

    Eh, it is hard, isn't it?

    I've no answers. But I wouldn't break your holiday unless you have to. Can you not explain to your mum that your are going away for a few days over the holiday (don't mention Christmas), and that you will want her to come over for a meal at the new year? Would that work?


  12. Laylabud

    Laylabud Registered User

    Sep 7, 2007
    Margaret i really feel for you, christmas should be such a good time and something to look forward to, but this year i am dreading it. We booked and paid for all 3 of us to go away for christmas and new year this year so if i do go it will be for nearly 3 weeks. You want to do what you think is right and what is best for Mum and i have a few more weeks to decide.
    I have been thinking recently about going to see Mum maybe every other day to start with and then go from there to see if she does notice if i go less often.

    i hope things work out for you and your Mum over the christmas period, it is stressfull at the best of times let alone with the added pressure.

    Whatever you decide i hope you will enjoy it as best you can.

    love and best wishes

  13. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    Just a thought.maybe you could 'move' Christmas Day?
    As long as you have a lovely time with mum sometime why worry about the actual day?
    You and your dear husband also ned a break and you will return refreshed. you've always been there and you always will be there for mum. Just not exactly on THE day.!
    I've had one of the best Christmasses when we had an extra one on the only day my son and his girl friend could get home. We even started with stockings in the early hours as we'd done when he was little!
  14. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    dear laylabud,all the posts you have recived areof the same meaning but in different speak.Whatever you decide to do i am sure you will be comfortable with there anyone else on side that can oversee christmas whilst you are away?it may take the pressure off if there was.You need a break and I'm sure your mum wouldn't deny you one,its a hard life with this disease as i am sure you know,and i fully respect all you carers and the decisions you have to time will come this i know but until then i take to heart how you are elainex
  15. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi everyone - and Moderators

    Maybe we should have a sticky regarding Christmas. We are all going to be thinking of it before too long. Some of you have been through it before, a lot of us haven't. It is a very emotional time of year (you could say it should be abolished, but I am not starting an argument on that, especially as I am a Catholic - well, sort of). Even "healthy" families find Christmas a stress - so many expectations, so much work, so much money spent - eh why? For most of us on this site, we probably just want to get through it with a few hours with our families, a pleasant meal, and mum, dad, grandparent, partner or whoever is our sick relative, being able to join in if possible, without too much difficulty. My mum is probably easier to accommodate for Christmas than most other sufferers on this site and I'm already stressed. I hate to think how some of you are coping.

    Yes, I think we need a Stickie re Christmas.

    For those of you who don't know what a Stickie is, it is a thread which appears at the top of the list, and doesn't go away.

    We can get rid of it in Mid January, when everyone has told us how good or bad it was, and we have all perhaps learnt from it.

    Love to everyone

  16. Laylabud

    Laylabud Registered User

    Sep 7, 2007
    Hi Elaine

    I have an older sister that lives near to me and Mum so hopefully she will be able to visit over the festive season.

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