Christmas day

g15gilly

Registered User
Nov 22, 2013
1
0
Hi I am new to this forum, my mum has vascula dementia and is in a nursing home and has been there since dad passed away in Aug 2012. For the 1st christmas we brought mum out and to our home for christmas dinner she didn't really enjoy the experience and got quite aggitated once back at the care home she settled and we stayed with her for a good 1 and a half then left. She appears so happy in her own little world at the ch and appears to feel secure I was thinking about not bringing her out this year but it seems so cruel, we would visit, but she is so bad on her legs now and would not even be able to get up the stairs to the toilet and I worry that she would be like last year very aggitated, but how do you live with the guilt of not having mum for christmas day when I think of all the lovely christmas's that she supplied me with ? It is such a cruel disease!!!:
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
0
hertfordshire
Hi, welcome to this forum, sorry you have had to join us! My Mum too is in a care home this will be her first Christmas there, we have decided to visit her on Christmas Day rather than bring her home as she would be very anxious. It is a difficult decision to have to make. It is slightly different for me as my Dad is still around and has decided that he wants to go and be with Mum for Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day and will be there from 9am until 7pm each of those days. As far as I am concerned I will visit on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning, I am not going to feel guilty because I know she is in the best place for her. xx

Ange
 

juniepoonie

Registered User
Jun 11, 2013
727
0
essex
hi I can understand that you feel sad that your mum wont be at your home with you but its best that she is where she is happiest an as you say you can all visit her an maybe have your lunch in the evening depending on how far mum is from you. my BIL is in NH an this is the first Christmas that he wont be spending with us he cant come out as it wouldn't be safe. my sister is going to have Christmas day lunch in the home with him. its very sad as my sister has been diagnosed with terminal cancer an this could be the last Christmas they are both in there sixties. this illness turns lives upside down so thing wont be the same again, just do whats best for your mum an enjoy what you can. best wishes juniepunie x
 

kenaidog

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
164
0
I know how you feel.i am having the very same dilema. I dont know what to do for the best. ,My mother is up and down like a yoyo and is not good on her feet due to having accidents in the last few months. Im thinking the noise of the house at xmas will be too much for her and she might get mad and start shouting and stuff which will stress me out hugely.But in my mind i think she will know it is xmas and will say where am i and then i feel bad if i dont bring her here and its a long way and if it snowed and she got stuck, well i wouldnt be able to sleep with her in the house, she might fall or anything in the middle of the night. I feel so juty bound to have her here but there is all sorts of problems that it could make and then she will not even know anyway.People have suggested to me she will be fine in there and to be honest, when i have brought her here, she wants to go back very quick and gets anxious so i just dont know what to do.:(
 

primarypat

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
48
0
Hi I am new to this forum, my mum has vascula dementia and is in a nursing home and has been there since dad passed away in Aug 2012. For the 1st christmas we brought mum out and to our home for christmas dinner she didn't really enjoy the experience and got quite aggitated once back at the care home she settled and we stayed with her for a good 1 and a half then left. She appears so happy in her own little world at the ch and appears to feel secure I was thinking about not bringing her out this year but it seems so cruel, we would visit, but she is so bad on her legs now and would not even be able to get up the stairs to the toilet and I worry that she would be like last year very aggitated, but how do you live with the guilt of not having mum for christmas day when I think of all the lovely christmas's that she supplied me with ? It is such a cruel disease!!!:

Hi
Feeling so much for you and there is no straight forward solution. The guilt is dreadful. I don't think anything I can say will help but be assured of my thoughts for you and your situation.
Have my own Christmas 'situation' but will post separately as to not high jack your post.

Thoughts and hug PP
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
I know how you feel.i am having the very same dilema. I dont know what to do for the best. ,My mother is up and down like a yoyo and is not good on her feet due to having accidents in the last few months. Im thinking the noise of the house at xmas will be too much for her and she might get mad and start shouting and stuff which will stress me out hugely.But in my mind i think she will know it is xmas and will say where am i and then i feel bad if i dont bring her here and its a long way and if it snowed and she got stuck, well i wouldnt be able to sleep with her in the house, she might fall or anything in the middle of the night. I feel so juty bound to have her here but there is all sorts of problems that it could make and then she will not even know anyway.People have suggested to me she will be fine in there and to be honest, when i have brought her here, she wants to go back very quick and gets anxious so i just dont know what to do.:(

If you think it will be too much for her, then honestly I would leave her where she is - maybe visit the day before or in the morning if you can. It might sound a bit harsh but someone with dementia who is agitated and fretful can so easily spoil the day for everyone else, and if they are unable to enjoy it properly themselves, then what is the point?

For my FIL's first Christmas at his care home we brought him home for 48 hours, thinking and assuming that he'd enjoy it. This was against the CH's advice and they were right - it was a bad mistake. He was anxious and fretful most of the time and it was too far to take him back on the day.

When it came to my mother in the same circs, I never tried bringing her home - she had found Christmas agitating enough before, even when we had gone just the 4 of us to her house and done absolutely everything. She could not cope with the extra people, extra noise, etc. nowadays we just visit on Christmas morning though to be frank it's been ages since she's had a clue that it's Christmas.
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,703
0
Wiltshire
Sometimes we think of things as a means of making things better for us. Christmas is a good example of this in that we want all the family together, the way things used to be and we fear that our relatives will feel excluded or forgotten or left out. If, however, you speak to the staff they will probably tell you a different story. They pointed out to us that Christmas is very much celebrated in the home BUT in the context of the normal regime because for many the regime and normality of the day is what they are used to. There are plenty of reminders that it is Christmas but all too often the understanding is all too fleeting. They told us not to create expectations that rely on the person to 'perform' as we would expect/hope them to. In particular in the area of presents. They said they have seen many tears rather than smiles from families that have turned up with sack loads do gifts only to find the person is unsure what they are or what they are expected to do with them. Their (good) suggestion was one or two gifts. Make them things that the person is familiar with even if that is a nice box of chocolates or biscuits. Do not buy loads of new clothes that they will never recognise as being theirs. Overall, realise that the home is now their home and staff and other residents and their relatives are part of their extended family now. Visit them as often as you want and join in with everyone. Removing them even for a few hours carries a high degree of risk. Risk that they don't recognise the care home on return. That they think they are being left there for the first time. That the settled and content person becomes a distressed and fearful person because they can't keep up with all the change that has happened on the day.

So, taking on board their advice, we visited mum at her home. We had a lovely time and mum was in good form.

Oh, and do ask if they're having a carol service before Christmas and go along and join them. Mum's was both a revelation and a hoot. Memory problems? You wouldn't have known it. Everyone was singing all the words. Was amazing to be there. The hoot was that memory might have been ok but lack of inhibitions was evident. Talking and prayers were not appreciated and the Minister gave up as it became a rabble demanding more music and songs. The poor minister tried to start a sermon with a question.."Does anyone know who was born at Christmastime?" Quick as a shot a man shouted out "No. We want more songs. We like songs." Closely followed by the others agreeing. LOLOL A lovely experience that I will carry with me. Even when mum broke her chair with all her jigging about and her sitting on the floor asking what she was doing down there!

Fiona
 

primarypat

Registered User
Oct 15, 2012
48
0
Thanks

Sometimes we think of things as a means of making things better for us. Christmas is a good example of this in that we want all the family together, the way things used to be and we fear that our relatives will feel excluded or forgotten or left out. If, however, you speak to the staff they will probably tell you a different story. They pointed out to us that Christmas is very much celebrated in the home BUT in the context of the normal regime because for many the regime and normality of the day is what they are used to. There are plenty of reminders that it is Christmas but all too often the understanding is all too fleeting. They told us not to create expectations that rely on the person to 'perform' as we would expect/hope them to. In particular in the area of presents. They said they have seen many tears rather than smiles from families that have turned up with sack loads do gifts only to find the person is unsure what they are or what they are expected to do with them. Their (good) suggestion was one or two gifts. Make them things that the person is familiar with even if that is a nice box of chocolates or biscuits. Do not buy loads of new clothes that they will never recognise as being theirs. Overall, realise that the home is now their home and staff and other residents and their relatives are part of their extended family now. Visit them as often as you want and join in with everyone. Removing them even for a few hours carries a high degree of risk. Risk that they don't recognise the care home on return. That they think they are being left there for the first time. That the settled and content person becomes a distressed and fearful person because they can't keep up with all the change that has happened on the day.

So, taking on board their advice, we visited mum at her home. We had a lovely time and mum was in good form.

Oh, and do ask if they're having a carol service before Christmas and go along and join them. Mum's was both a revelation and a hoot. Memory problems? You wouldn't have known it. Everyone was singing all the words. Was amazing to be there. The hoot was that memory might have been ok but lack of inhibitions was evident. Talking and prayers were not appreciated and the Minister gave up as it became a rabble demanding more music and songs. The poor minister tried to start a sermon with a question.."Does anyone know who was born at Christmastime?" Quick as a shot a man shouted out "No. We want more songs. We like songs." Closely followed by the others agreeing. LOLOL A lovely experience that I will carry with me. Even when mum broke her chair with all her jigging about and her sitting on the floor asking what she was doing down there!

Fiona

Hi Fiona

Thanks so much for what you said it makes sense and made me smile.
 

kayh

Registered User
Apr 17, 2012
2
0
christmas

this will be mum's second Christmas in her Nursing Home. Last year we all went to visit in the morning (the home arranged for us to see her in the dining room so private). we took loads of presents but she just got confused - the best present I got was a snuggle dog but she forgets its hers although she talks to it!

this year not going to get so many presents.

we have never tried to take her out as she just gets upset and to be honest she has no idea it is Christmas anyway even though decorations are lovely!

Don't feel guilty.
 

Silver Lining

Registered User
Nov 20, 2013
224
0
Hi There I'm a New Member too!

Hi I am new to this forum, my mum has vascula dementia and is in a nursing home and has been there since dad passed away in Aug 2012. For the 1st christmas we brought mum out and to our home for christmas dinner she didn't really enjoy the experience and got quite aggitated once back at the care home she settled and we stayed with her for a good 1 and a half then left. She appears so happy in her own little world at the ch and appears to feel secure I was thinking about not bringing her out this year but it seems so cruel, we would visit, but she is so bad on her legs now and would not even be able to get up the stairs to the toilet and I worry that she would be like last year very aggitated, but how do you live with the guilt of not having mum for christmas day when I think of all the lovely christmas's that she supplied me with ? It is such a cruel disease!!!:

My first thoughts are if your Mum feels safe and secure at the Care Home you are being "good people"enabling her to stay where she is content.
I have had my 1st experience of travelling to London with my Husband because I thought he would enjoy it, and whilst he did enjoy it he had times when he felt really vulnerable and agitated and I wish I hadn't subjected him to it.
 

Wizzy6

Registered User
Feb 11, 2013
2
0
London
This is my first post.

Hi. This will be my first christmas alone with Mum. It is not fair for her to watch everyone eating and talking when she can no longer partake.So we will not be going out to family. BUT. I will be at peace knowing she is happy as long as i am here. M&S meal for one will do nicely thanks. I will not be stuffing myself with all the extras we eat as a family. I will enjoy some special chocs, a special drink knowing i will not have piles of washing up to do. Yeah!!!!!!
So looking for the positive in this horrible journey we have to walk. I will be able to watch what i like while she sleeps, or even turn the tv off and read. Oh joy.
No regrets. There will be other times for me.
May your Christmas time have more than you expect. Xxxx
 

VT2giant

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
10
0
"with the guilt "
That's only how you feel, but not the reality of this Xmas, nor the next few anniversaries to come over the next year +++.

Why don't you do something something different?
Why take on the same-old, same-old at Xmas, and what with Mum missing you are rather playing into the self pity court aren't you? Beat yourself up, why don't you? No one wants to put you through this, but you seem to think you do.

Here's a novel thought. This year do what I do, go away for this ridiculous festive period, have someone else carry the can, go and be active elsewhere, take your mind off everything, book a log cabin in the Lakes, a hotel for the few days on the south coast, go walking in Sicily, wind surfing in Tenerife. Be creative. Go away.
 

boatlady

Registered User
Mar 25, 2010
14
0
Bristol
No guilt!

Hello Gilly, sorry to hear about your mum - it sounds similar to my Dad who had vascular dementia, and for the four years he was in a care home we struggled to find the best solution at Christmas.
First of all, get rid of the guilt! You are doing all you can for your mum, and yes it is a cruel disease, but it helps if you make your mum's well-being the guide for your actions. As you say, she is happy and secure in her care home and if she's like my dad she won't even know it's Christmas Day, or whether she's seen you.
If the care home makes it easy, you could perhaps have lunch with her that day and just stay for a short while afterwards before going home to enjoy your own day knowing she is ok.
You can't any longer give her the sort of Christmas Day you are thinking of but everything else you are doing (just being there for her!) is your way of thanking her for all the Christmas Days she gave you and all the other things mums do for their families.
Hang in there, do what you can and ensure she is as un-troubled as possible and that she is getting all the care she needs. She is lucky to have you - so many old folk have nobody looking out for them.
Happy Christmas!
 

honeybee

Registered User
Oct 14, 2011
7
0
Suffolk
Fiona - thank you for making me laugh out very loud in what has been a very difficult year! :)
Sometimes we think of things as a means of making things better for us. Christmas is a good example of this in that we want all the family together, the way things used to be and we fear that our relatives will feel excluded or forgotten or left out. If, however, you speak to the staff they will probably tell you a different story. They pointed out to us that Christmas is very much celebrated in the home BUT in the context of the normal regime because for many the regime and normality of the day is what they are used to. There are plenty of reminders that it is Christmas but all too often the understanding is all too fleeting. They told us not to create expectations that rely on the person to 'perform' as we would expect/hope them to. In particular in the area of presents. They said they have seen many tears rather than smiles from families that have turned up with sack loads do gifts only to find the person is unsure what they are or what they are expected to do with them. Their (good) suggestion was one or two gifts. Make them things that the person is familiar with even if that is a nice box of chocolates or biscuits. Do not buy loads of new clothes that they will never recognise as being theirs. Overall, realise that the home is now their home and staff and other residents and their relatives are part of their extended family now. Visit them as often as you want and join in with everyone. Removing them even for a few hours carries a high degree of risk. Risk that they don't recognise the care home on return. That they think they are being left there for the first time. That the settled and content person becomes a distressed and fearful person because they can't keep up with all the change that has happened on the day.

So, taking on board their advice, we visited mum at her home. We had a lovely time and mum was in good form.

Oh, and do ask if they're having a carol service before Christmas and go along and join them. Mum's was both a revelation and a hoot. Memory problems? You wouldn't have known it. Everyone was singing all the words. Was amazing to be there. The hoot was that memory might have been ok but lack of inhibitions was evident. Talking and prayers were not appreciated and the Minister gave up as it became a rabble demanding more music and songs. The poor minister tried to start a sermon with a question.."Does anyone know who was born at Christmastime?" Quick as a shot a man shouted out "No. We want more songs. We like songs." Closely followed by the others agreeing. LOLOL A lovely experience that I will carry with me. Even when mum broke her chair with all her jigging about and her sitting on the floor asking what she was doing down there!

Fiona
 

safetyboots

Registered User
Dec 31, 2011
25
0
Do what you feel is right

It is a long while since I have posted a message, as I lost my mum nearly 2 years ago, but I know every feeling that you have.
The last Christmas with mum was not good,as she did not know it was Christmas, & asked if she could have it in our garden. We like you did not have downstaires toilet facilities, ot the ability to get her in & out of our house. So we just went along to the CH & spent a little while with her. I know that she wasn't really aware of what was going on, & that is how I try to console myself.You have to do what feels right for all of you. The most important thing is that you love them. Christmas is just another day, not one that should make us feel guilty.
 

Woodylouise

Registered User
Oct 24, 2013
1
0
The Christmas decision

The emotional pull of wanting parents with alzheimer's with us at Christmas, plus the self-induced guilt and desperation to do the right thing I think can overshadow what is right for our parents. It is much easier when someone else sets us straight as it is as impossible decision to make otherwise. I was lucky, with great kindness my mums care home made the decision for me. For only the second time in my life I will be spending Christmas apart from my mum. What's worse is my family and I live 6000 miles away from her. I fly in to see her every three months and I'm here now celebrating Christmas with her early so I can give my other family the Christmas they deserve on another continent. I can only hope and pray it's enough. But the wise words of a good friend always encourage me and I hope they do for you "if an act is carried out with good intentions then it's always the right thing to do"
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
0
i feel I did everything i could with mum before her AD became so severe that she now can't join in and really seems not to respond to anything.

So when dad said that this year mum is due to go to respite on christmas eve and he is going to let her I thought that was a great idea. Dad is going to spend most of the days at the care home which completely understands the plight of elderly carers and has supported him so very well over the last few years.

Naturally i offered for him to come to me but as I am having my now very awkward MIL whom he has never liked he has refused.

I don't feel remotely guilty that I don't see my parents any more at Christmas, I know that throughout this dementia journey i have done my very best as I am sure all the people on here have done so ditch the guilt, it's time to do the sensible thing.
 

Petra1

Registered User
Apr 29, 2013
2
0
Hi I am new to this forum, my mum has vascula dementia and is in a nursing home and has been there since dad passed away in Aug 2012. For the 1st christmas we brought mum out and to our home for christmas dinner she didn't really enjoy the experience and got quite aggitated once back at the care home she settled and we stayed with her for a good 1 and a half then left. She appears so happy in her own little world at the ch and appears to feel secure I was thinking about not bringing her out this year but it seems so cruel, we would visit, but she is so bad on her legs now and would not even be able to get up the stairs to the toilet and I worry that she would be like last year very aggitated, but how do you live with the guilt of not having mum for christmas day when I think of all the lovely christmas's that she supplied me with ? It is such a cruel disease!!!:
I felt exactly the same way last Christmas. Mum has been in her NH for the last seven years and seems very happy there. The Christmas before had been so stressful for all the family as she was so agitated and upset as she thought she hadn't bought presents or cards for anyone and she didn't settle all day .When I took her , "home" she didn't know where she was going and dint recognise anyone there, so it was doubly stressful for me and I just broke down and cried. last year I felt so guilty that I was only going to visit her Christmas morning but she didn't seem to understand what day it was anyway and I think she enjoyed her day . The guilt is still with me this year ( I don't think it ever really leaves) but I know in my heart that she will enjoy her day better if she stays where she feels safe?I will go to see her on Christmas morning and we are going to try and have her with us a couple of hours on Christmas Eve. we are having dry run this weekend to pack Christmas presents and write cards. What I am trying to say really is do what you can ,but if your mum is safe and happy that's the most important. Are we just really mourning for the lose of the mother we had?
"
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
541
0
This will be my Mum's first christmas in the nursing home and I for one am actually looking forward to the day without her. Sorry if this offends anyone who will miss having their Mum.

I do not feel one bit guilty as I have had her and arranged her whole Christmas for nearly 20 years-and often to my own detriment. Christmas was always a palava with her even before dementia. While I did dinner for 10+ people I fetched and carried for her and my dad too.

I will visit on christmas eve and let her enjoy the day in the home. Although she will know it is christmas she will not be aware that it is actually christmas day and my family will be delighted that I'm not as stressed out.
 

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