Christmas cards,

[Orlaworld]

This might seem quite insignificant but I often find that it is some of the smallest things which can upset me the most.
Last year my mum really struggled to write Christmas cards to people and she spent many days going through her address books and writing them. I suspect some people may have received 2 cards and others received none. I said I would help but that didn’t go down well. I figured I would gather up all the cards at the end of the holiday and make sure I could update her address book. Unfortunately she forgot that I had told her to keep the cards to one side and she threw them all away before I could retrieve them. This made me feel sad since during a brief glance through them previously, I saw that old friends and acquaintances had shared news that a husband had died or grandchildren born or someone had moved house etc.
This year, I preempted the situation and went over to help write out cards. Mum is much worse compared to last year and was happy to accept help. We struggled to write cards because I don’t know who all the people are in the address book and mum can’t remember. We made some educated guesses. I wrote the cards and mum struggled to even write her name. In a way, it felt so stupid and sad to be trying to write out cards to people that neither of us seem to know!
I gathered up the received cards today and have just sat going through them. I’m comparing it to the list of people we sent cards to. There’s been some nice letters and a few sad ones and I have a small handful of cards I have no idea who the person is. One in particular is from a niece of my mum and I have no idea how to get in touch with her. I don’t even know her surname.
I find it difficult to explain how upset this makes me but I guess I feel responsible, like somehow I need to be informing these people of the situation and trying to maintain contacts and connections with these people even as my mum is completely forgetting who they are.
I’m wondering whether to just write a brief letter to everyone explaining mum’s dementia and thanking them for their cards. Right now, it all feels so pointless. Mum was busy getting up at 5am today, wondering why no one was out walking their dog when she was and then phoning me to ask what time the dinner party would be (which apparently she was organising!?). She doesn’t remember anything about Christmas or who she was with.

 

[DeMartin]

After my mum went into a care home (vascular dementia) 2017, I wrote to family and friends giving them my contact information and the situation. Those that responded got a card this year, but only from me. Mum showed no inclination to send cards, and she had been an avid 50 card sender.

 

[karaokePete]

Yes, we do have to adapt.

When my wife was diagnosed I put a brief note in with every card that year. Only one family member bothered to acknowledge the issue and not one has ever asked how either of us are. I have a thick skin so have not been bothered and, like your Mum, my wife can't make new memories so she isn't bothered either.

I hope you can get over the upset quickly. Please don't think it's your fault because it isn't.

 

[Duggies-girl]

This year dad had fewer cards than last year and he doesn't know the addresses of most so they didn't get written. I wrote out cards for his neighbours and delivered them as he couldn't.

He always gives all grandchildren and my brother and myself twenty pounds for Christmas. I had to write them out and put the money in each card for him. It was the first time I have had to write myself one. It was all a bit sad.

 

[TheBearsMummy]

We have had a very similar experience this year.
Are you on F Book? One of it's uses is that you can look at friends of friends so if you have a relative you can find it may then be possible to track down the niece through them or you could try asking for a message to be passed on that she is not able to contact people herself but would like to thank everyone for their cards and good wishes.

 

[Rosettastone57]

This might seem quite insignificant but I often find that it is some of the smallest things which can upset me the most.
Last year my mum really struggled to write Christmas cards to people and she spent many days going through her address books and writing them. I suspect some people may have received 2 cards and others received none. I said I would help but that didn’t go down well. I figured I would gather up all the cards at the end of the holiday and make sure I could update her address book. Unfortunately she forgot that I had told her to keep the cards to one side and she threw them all away before I could retrieve them. This made me feel sad since during a brief glance through them previously, I saw that old friends and acquaintances had shared news that a husband had died or grandchildren born or someone had moved house etc.
This year, I preempted the situation and went over to help write out cards. Mum is much worse compared to last year and was happy to accept help. We struggled to write cards because I don’t know who all the people are in the address book and mum can’t remember. We made some educated guesses. I wrote the cards and mum struggled to even write her name. In a way, it felt so stupid and sad to be trying to write out cards to people that neither of us seem to know!
I gathered up the received cards today and have just sat going through them. I’m comparing it to the list of people we sent cards to. There’s been some nice letters and a few sad ones and I have a small handful of cards I have no idea who the person is. One in particular is from a niece of my mum and I have no idea how to get in touch with her. I don’t even know her surname.
I find it difficult to explain how upset this makes me but I guess I feel responsible, like somehow I need to be informing these people of the situation and trying to maintain contacts and connections with these people even as my mum is completely forgetting who they are.
I’m wondering whether to just write a brief letter to everyone explaining mum’s dementia and thanking them for their cards. Right now, it all feels so pointless. Mum was busy getting up at 5am today, wondering why no one was out walking their dog when she was and then phoning me to ask what time the dinner party would be (which apparently she was organising!?). She doesn’t remember anything about Christmas or who she was with.

My mother-in-law lost the capacity to write and in any event if she started to write anything on a Christmas card she lost the thread of what she wanted to actually say. I wrote to all the friends in her address book to whom she had sent cards previously and informed them of the situation saying that it was unlikely that my mother-in-law was going to send a card again due to her lack of capacity in writing. Most friends at that point fell by the wayside and in fact out of 10 people I wrote to only two bothered to write back to me to acknowledge it

 

[jenniferjean]

Most friends at that point fell by the wayside and in fact out of 10 people I wrote to only two bothered to write back to me to acknowledge it

A lot of people just don't understand dementia, I think the word itself frightens them. The worst I've had was when someone my husband had had a lot of dealing with dropped by with a message for me. My husband was there but this guy couldn't even look at him let alone speak to him. I was tempted to say to him "it's not catching".

 

[Sirena]

I agree @jenniferjean I sometimes wonder if people think it's catching. This was my mother's first Christmas in a care home, but I have a mail redirect for her flat and was going to reply to any cards that arrived. There was not a single one. And none were sent direct to the care home from those who knew the address, not even her own cousin who professed to be so fond of her.

My mother didn't know it was Christmas and the cards would have meant nothing to her, so from her point of view it doesn't matter - but it was certainly interesting how quick people are to forget someone with dementia, it's as if they have already died.

 

[Toony Oony]

This is such a difficult one. Last year - Mum's first in CH - we did the cards between us and had fun doing so. Mum has always sent a huge number of cards. I had the cards pre-printed so she didn't have to write them, and between us we put them in the envelopes, stuck the address label that I had printed on, sealed and stamped them.
Fast forward to this year - far less cards from Mum's 'friends' ( and only 2 that visit and enquire as to her well-being!) Again I had cards printed, but figured that as Mum had deteriorated considerably, I would stuff and put address labels on. Mum could seal and stamp. I was wrong - Mum could not seal, and as for stamping, it nearly brought me to tears. Mum tried to place the stamp over the address label. I slowly and calmly explained that the postie would be unable to read the address if she did that, but it meant nothing. I put my hand over the address label, so she then stuck the stamp on my hand. We persevered and eventually we got all the cards stamped. After our endeavours, I went to make us a cuppa and on returning found Mum opening all the envelopes of the cards we had just processed
I decided not to stress Mum and attempt to get her to write cards for myself and her other 2 close family members. This is the first year I have not had a card from her.
I have sadly resigned myself that should Mum still be here next Christmas, there will be no more cards .

XX

 

[jenniferjean]

My mother didn't know it was Christmas and the cards would have meant nothing to her, so from her point of view it doesn't matter

But it meant something to you. I think it so sad that she didn't receive a single card.

 

[Portia100874]

Same with my mum she is in a care home and only received about 3 cards very sad considering she always bothered about other people. I don't think people know how to deal with it.

 

[Sirena]

But it meant something to you. I think it so sad that she didn't receive a single card.

Yes it would have been nice to see they still thought of her, I thought one or two of them would.

@Rob_E - yes absolutely. My mother has one friend who rings her at the care home from time to time - her husband had dementia so she understands. She didn't send a Christmas card because her husband had just died, but she rang me to ask about mum instead. She can't visit as it's a 3 hour journey and she has macular degeneration, but I know she genuinely still thinks of mum, she is the only one who does.

 

[Champers]

Interesting thread as we are awaiting the results of a brain scan for vascular dementia.

Every year my mother was meticulous about sending Christmas cards. I think she used to send around 50+.
I asked her several times throughout December whether she would like me to organise some cards for her and she said no to worry as she would do them on the 21st. I gently suggested that was probably a bit late but she seemed unfazed. When I asked her on Christmas Eve whether she had managed any, she said that because Christmas was on a different date this year (?!) she had been caught out and apparently, she had also read that there had been loads of letters of complaint in the newspapers about the date change too.