Christmas advice please

[esinedee]

Mum 93 with quite advanced dementia has been quite mobile until recently, now she is having problems especially with stairs Brought her from the care home to my house on Saturday, we don't have a downstairs toilet. She declined the loo but eventually got her to go, she was very wet, the tena pants were saturated, the throw and sofa were wet, she could hardly manage the stairs and fell forward onto her knees jarring herself, coming back down took a while and wasn't easy.

What do I do about Christmas, is it in her best interest to bring her here where I cook for several adults and children, or visit her in the home in the morning and leave her there for lunch and feel guilty.
There is no one else to take her to the toilet and change her but would have help with the cooking.

She is also waiting for a tooth extraction as has an abscess, the appointment is at the very end of December but that is another story.

What do you think please?
Thanks
Esined

 

[karaokePete]

I think your Mum may be able to cope better with Christmas in her Care Home.

The change of location and additional activity of a lot of people, albeit family, may be too much for her.

 

[marionq]

My daughters have offered all sorts of lovely outings for us and I have declined them all. Instead they will come to us and John will have his routine maintained. I found out the hard way that calm, quiet and routine are what works with his dementia. We will all talk noisily at the dinner table and he will sit comfortably and quietly in his armchair with his dinner in a tray.

Often we feel the PWD should be entertained but that is not necessarily what they need or want.

 

[Sirena]

My mother is in a care home and I have not even considered bringing her to my house for Christmas. At my house there are all sorts of practical issues like stairs to negotiate and cats to trip over, and she is frail and prone to falls (and refuses to use walking aids). I think she would be bewildered by it all and would be much happier in her own familiar territory. I think your 'trial run' with your mother has shown you that is the case for your mother too.

 

[Beate]

There is nothing to feel guilty about. They celebrate Christmas too in the care home, and it's her home now. She might not even appreciate being in your home with all the noise and people and the toilet situation. Leave her where she is and visit her there instead.

 

[Jessbow]

Dont feel guilty, Christmas in a care home is tailored exactly to your mums needs.

 

[AliceA]

I so agree with Marionq. The home visit sounded horrendous for her.
People so often imagine that they can impose their needs and desires for an image, especially at Christmas, as if wishing will make it so.
For any older person. let alone a person with dementia, needs and desires change and rightly so.
Mine have!
Whatever they enjoyed in the past, they very seldom do now.
So drop the guilt, it will be obvious to everyone around whether spoken or not. Family and friends need a happy Christmas, guilty people spoil that.
Use that energy to give a cheerful visit before and after perhaps. Spread any gifts out. Thank the staff.
Relax and smile. Build up your own happy memories. Be kind to yourself and others will catch it like the flu!
Delegate, let others share, might not be perfect but real fun seldom is.
Have a fun time.

 

[Rosettastone57]

When my mother-in-law was in her care home we never once considered bringing her out for Christmas with us. It would have been just too upsetting and disruptive for her

 

[Quizbunny]

Mum will be spending her 7th Christmas at her care home. We did bring her home the first year but she was not settled and kept asking to go to bed, which really meant ‘home’ of course. We visit Christmas Eve and give her her presents and she’s more than happy with that. Usually she’s glad to see the back of us to be honest.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Without doubt in my mind..leave your mum to have Christmas day in familiar surroundings with the staff to help in the care home and visit her taking in a treat to enjoy together with a cup of tea. That was what I did for dad on each of his 3 years in his NH. Yes of course I wish it could have been different and dementia hadn't impacted on Christmas or any other day of the year but they were my thoughts not my dad's...he wasn't even aware it was Christmas...and kinder for him to do it that way.

 

[Witzend]

From experience, bringing someone with dementia to share the sort of family Christmas they used to enjoy, can be a bad mistake, however well meant. We did this with my FiL - he was fretful and anxious for much of the time. We should have taken the care home's advice and left him in his quiet routine. And we didn't have continence issues to cope with.

When it came to my mother, several years later, we would just visit in the morning. It would have been far too confusing for her to bring her to us - for her it was the best decision. The care home did make a good effort with Christmas dinner and lovely decorations, but really she was past caring about any of it any more. Which I think is the case for a lot of people who are past the earlier stages.
Please don't feel guilty about it. The fact that a normal family Christmas is fraught with problems now is entirely down to dementia, not to anything remiss on your part.

 

[canary]

Why should you feel guilty for allowing your mum to do the things that are best for her and will probably make her happier?
I suspect that what you are feeling is actually grief rather than guilt - grief that the mum you remember is no longer capable of joining the family for Christmas.

Acknowledge the feelings, go visit your mum in her care home, trust that her home will make Christmas nice for (in the way she needs it) and enjoy your time with your family
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))

 

[Elle3]

Question, does your mum know or understand what Christmas is? If the answer is no then you are only wanting your mum to spend it with you out of tradition and what you feel is right, not necessarily what is best for your mum.

I’ve had to ask myself that question as this is the first Christmas dad has been in the care home and in all honesty he hasn’t a clue about Christmas, decorations, cards, presents etc, he find it all very confusing. I gave him a couple of Christmas cards to open at the weekend and he just looked at them blankly and fell asleep trying to read them. Bringing him back to my house to spend Christmas Day with us because it’s something we have always done, would cause him nothing but distress and stress for us, the Care home agreed.