Christmas 2020 Guilt

[Deanne100]

I do think there is a lot of point in visiti if the relatuhas broken down to the extent that it obviously has. It would result in more bad feeling and argument. Some of her behaviour can perhaps be attributed to the illn but your bad relationship evidently goes back much further. The best you can do is try to provide as much support as you can from a distance, including as others have said, getting social services on the case.

It may be worth posting more details about the LPA as it is s long time since July. Did you apply to register it in July? Who are the attorneys? Are they joint as and several or must they act together on every decision? I would be worried after all this time that something had not gone to plan.

Hi Martin
I wouldn't consider our relationship 'broken' but 'hanging by a thread'. I love Mum when she is being nice but I've often chastised myself after the fact for being suckered in again, when she's turned. It's always been about control for her. She was an excellent nurse, she had control. She tries to control everyone around her and when whomever starts to contradict her, no matter how politely, she is not happy. Seriously Martin, google 'A person who does not have a conscience'. She ticks all the boxes. I know because I was her victim from a very young age. On the upside, I found the newly found knowledge therapeutic. I now KNOW that 'it' was never my fault I'm now steadily putting things behind me and attempting to move on. I can't completely turn my back on Mum but will for the most part, support from a distance. We can all but deal with the here and now and who she is. Frustrating as it is.

It will be a difficult visit....within 48 hours I will be emotionally exhausted, I know. She does deliberately try to wind me up and start arguments. I'm aware of keeping my emotions and reactions in check, hence 'always on egg shells'. I always joked that she could wind the Pope up lol. She seriously could.

Re LPA, my bro applied. I trust him implicitly. It was signed and witnessed in the presence of the solicitor in July. After a few weeks, bro emailed the solicitor to learn that he had not sent it for registration!!!!!

 

[Deanne100]

Every single thing that you have mentioned about your mum is typical of dementia and if she was a difficult woman to start with, well thats a double whammy. If you read around these boards you will see people posting about everything that you have mentioned. The general population has this idea that someone with dementia is just a bit confused and forgetful, whereas this is far from the truth.

My own mum, who was gentle, loving and compassionate, became an absolute harridan. She started off wanting me to give up my career, leave my husband and go and live with her and she could not understand why I thought this was unreasonable. She accused people of terrible crimes, wrote awful letters to them and posted them through their letter boxes! She accused me of stealing from her and abusing her, got into huge arguments with the neighbours and the woman across the road contacted the police because she said mum was harassing her. She would be constantly coming out with impossible and outrageous stories. She regularly threw people out of her home and half the time wouldnt even let me in. It was a nightmare. She was unable to understand that she had dementia and never admitted that she had anything wrong and she was convinced that she was doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, etc etc although one look at her and her home told you otherwise. She would not accept carers and threw them out straight away. She started walking out, very inadequately dressed (on one memorable occasion dressed only in an unfastened dressing gown) in the night and banging on neighbours doors in the wee small hours because she was lost. Eventually, she had a TIA and ended up in hospital and from there she moved to a care home.

My tale is not an usual one and I thought I would tell it so that you knew that you were not alone. We all understand. I agree with the comments saying that you should contact Social Services and her GP with your concerns.

I wouldnt visit at Christmas either. I never visited mum at Christmas, even when she was in her care home. I used to visit just before, to drop off her presents and then again soon afterwards. You need to spend time with your daughter.

@canary.....your story mirrors my own in so many ways!!!!! FREEDOM, of mind I mean
My bro is in Australia.
My DD doesn't really want to go. I think she's going to help me out. She has the support of her BF. He's a strong grounded chap that will protect her. Mum also treats men far more favourably than women. I asked them to go when the carer resigned to get a true picture of the situ. Due to their working hours, they can't go until close to Christmas day. I won't ask them again.

SS are involved. My bro employed the first and only, to date, micro carer via them. Bearing in mind my Mum says that she only needs taking shopping, SS now having been updated via the micro carer, who has resigned, because of a serious accusation made against her by Mum, say that she needs 6 hours a day!

 

[Deanne100]

Don’t go !

Just to echo the others advice to contact social services.

You may well have read it before ? But I attach a link to @Grannie G ’s compassionate communication. I was wondering if it might be worth printing off to give to your daughter?

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Thanks Weasell x

 

[MartinWL]

Re LPA, my bro applied. I trust him implicitly. It was signed and witnessed in the presence of the solicitor in July. After a few weeks, bro emailed the solicitor to learn that he had not sent it for registration!!!!!

W. S. Gilbert, in Iolanthe: "A curse, a hideous curse on his solicitor!"

 

[Deanne100]

W. S. Gilbert, in Iolanthe: "A curse, a hideous curse on his solicitor!"

@MartinWL ? x